Politics - Page 7

Poll: Handful of warm cottage cheese more popular than four mayoral candidates

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A recent poll of eligible Chattanooga voters has revealed that most would prefer to have a handful of warm cottage cheese as the next mayor of Chattanooga instead of any of the four mayoral candidates: incumbent Andy Berke, David Crockett, Larry Grohn and Chris Long.

“A handful of warm cottage cheese is a viable write-in candidate,” said local political analyst Kris Collendair.

“Voters are looking at the current slate of candidates and are not happy,” said Collendair. “You’re looking at the status quo and ineffective policies for reducing violence, or certain outdated civil-rights stances regarding LGBT issues or making Chattanooga essentially a suburb of Atlanta by advocating a high-speed rail system between the two cities.”

“This handful of warm cottage cheese is just the no-nonsense candidate that people can relate to,” said Collendair.

Polls are open today for the Chattanooga mayoral election from 8 a.m. to 7 p.m.

Larry Grohn to play Wolverine in next X-Men movie

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After actor Hugh Jackman announced his intention last year to step down from portraying the comic-book character Wolverine, Marvel Entertainment announced that it has hired Chattanooga mayoral candidate and District 4 Councilman Larry Grohn to be the new Wolverine.

“I am super pumped to portray this hairy mutant,” said Grohn. “Ever since I heard that Hugh Jackman would be retiring from the role, I’ve been working out four hours a day and drinking protein shakes with the hope of taking his place. I am freakin’ ripped.”

“We couldn’t believe it when we first saw Grohn’s headshot,” said casting director Tracy Ralnaught. “He’s got that perfect, piercing gaze that epitomizes the dark and complicated character of Wolverine. I mean, just check out that widow’s peak! This is one mean mofo.”

The soon-to-be-released film Logan, the third and final Wolverine solo movie and the tenth X-Men movie, marks the 17th year of Jackman playing Wolverine, a mutant with retractable claws made of the fictional metal alloy Adamantium.

It is uncertain how this acting job might affect Grohn’s civic duties, if he were to win the upcoming Chattanooga mayoral election.

Although Grohn accepted this Wolverine role, he turned down the opportunity to portray “Wolverina,” a re-imagined transgender Wolverine in the X-Men reboot slated for 2019 entitled Ex-Men, saying “Gender is not a choice.”

Trump arrives in Chattanooga for Southside Social’s new dress code unveiling

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After months of these darn kids causing a ruckus, Chattanooga’s Southside Social announced a new dress code that will be unveiled by none other than President Donald J Trump. The arrival comes after a representative from the establishment vowed to “Make Southside Social Great Again!”.

Experts believe some new requirements of the dress code, like no baggy clothing, will help relieve some injuries from patrons trying to scale a newly constructed wall around the building, that East Lake will pay for.

“It’s a great new dress code, really terrific. No more having to look at people play skeeball dressed like the Village People, I can tell you this,” explained President Trump while looking to a table with 30 copies of the new Southside Social dress code. ”

 

 

 

 

Andy Berke releases Larry Grohn’s grandson’s Algebra homework

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After a week of grueling debates between candidates for the 2017 Chattanooga Mayorship, Andy Berke has announced he has uncovered opponent Councilman Larry Grohn’s grandson’s Algebra homework. The revelation comes just days after Grohn released some bullshit he thought was worthwhile against Berke.

Experts believe Councilman Larry Grohn secretly helped his grandson with the homework in question, but are left troubled by a grade of C-.

“As you can clearly see, Councilman Grohn clearly has his mind set on other things since his handwriting is all over this homework,” explained Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke, while holding up Algebra homework that was graded as C-. “How can we trust a man who can’t even help his grandson achieve at least an A- to lead our dear city?”

 

Trump takes credit for local jobs created to protest Trump

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President Donald Trump took credit, in his inaugural speech, for creating tens of thousands of local jobs that are directly related to protesting Trump.

“Believe me, this is all part of my economic plan for America,” said Trump. “I want all of these protest signs, t-shirts and hoodies to be American made, not in some Chinese sweatshop.”

“When you burn effigies of me in the streets, I want those to be top-quality effigies, made by American hands from American cotton,” said Trump.

“Take for example the Women’s March on Chattanooga,” said Trump about the march happening today at 3 p.m. at Coolidge Park. “Protesting is tiring work, and protesters will stimulate the Chattanooga economy by buying food, coffee and post-march massages from nearby businesses.”

“I’ve known all along that the more outrageous things I say and the more unethical things I do, the more people will protest, and protesting is part of the new economy,” said Trump.

Eddie Pontiac turns down inauguration musical invite

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Local musician and Mexican restaurant staple Eddie Pontiac announced he had declined an invitation to play at Friday’s inauguration for President Elect Donald Trump.

Pontiac, who many call the man with the golden voice, has entertained Mexican restaurant patrons for over 20 years.

Experts believe Pontiac opted to decline the invitation to perform due to prior commitments of playing for 8 hours Friday evening at El Mason.

“While many people will be kind and brake for me, I will not brake for Trump this Friday,” explained Pontiac, while strumming thru a rendition of the Joker.

Trump cites Harrison Keely morning videos as only credible news source

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After weeks of railing against so-called “fake news” sources, President-elect Donald Trump announced he only trusts from morning anchor Harrison Keely. The announcement comes as a surprise as Keely has apparently not reported morning news in many months.

Trump shocked the nation when he called CNN a fake news organization during a press conference this morning. Experts believe Trump has a fondness for Keely, mostly because of his early morning news reports since Trump is usually already awake from trolling Twitter all night.

“Believe me, no one can be trusted more than Harrison Keely, I can tell you this”, explained Trump. “Go to the internets and Google “Harrison Keely” and you’ll find high energy, especially in a video called Yellow Journalism.”

City council approves ending 2016 one month early

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The Chattanooga City Council unanimously approved legislation yesterday to end the year 2016 one month early.

“Fuck this shit,” said the City Council in a written statement. “We are done with 2016. Let’s just start anew with 2017 already and just forget about December, even though it has a bunch of awesome holidays.”

2016 has been a turbulent year for Chattanooga, and recently, it has had to deal with raging wildfires, a tragic school bus accident, and a devastating fire at a building off Main Street, in addition to tornado watches and flash flooding within the last 24 hours.

“If 2017 starts badly in January, then we might just skip that year entirely,” said the City Council. “Heck, we might just vote to skip the next four years.”

Local Democrats asked to extinguish wildfires with tears

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After the shocking victory of Donald Trump over Hillary Clinton in the U.S. Presidential election, Democratic Party leaders have asked local Democrats to help extinguish the raging wildfires with their plentiful teardrops.

“I literally can’t stop crying,” said the weeping Chattanooga resident Kris Ferugina while waiting to board a helicopter which will fly over areas affected by wildfires. “I don’t know how I can tell my children the news that the next president is a xenophobic bigot who mocks people with disabilities, bashes war heroes and brags about sexual assault.”

Democratic challengers Melody Shekari and Khristy Wilkinson were also defeated in races against Republican incumbents Rep. Chuck Fleischmann and state Senator Todd Gardenhire, respectively, assuring that Democratic tears would flow like the rushing waters of Fall Creek Falls.

“Cry your pretty little eyes out,” said Hamilton County Democratic Party Chairman Ashley Fiannan. “Let’s put out those fires quickly. You have until this weekend to get it all out of your system. Snap to it, we’ve got a lot of work to do, to fight some toxic bullshit.”

Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/9Y6CTG
Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/9Y6CTG

Smoke from Chuck Fleischmann burning Melody Shekari signs fills Chattanooga area skies

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After months of rigorous campaigning for the U.S. Representative of Tennessee’s 3rd congressional district seat, incumbent Chuck Fleischmann took out his frustrations of opponent Melody Shekari by gathering up her signs and lighting them ablaze.

Little did he know that his act of rage would turn into an out of control wildfire, which has threatened hundreds of acres of land and turned Chattanooga skies into a smoke-filled haze that smells a little better than it did before.

Experts believe the fires will burn well after a candidate has been elected.

“Debate this!” exclaimed Fleischmann, blindly lighting a Shekari sign on fire, after the wind had blown hair into his eyes. “I’ve burned about 4,000 signs so far, only about 15,000 more to go.”

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