Politics - Page 7

Chief Fred Fletcher announces plans to sell dietary supplements after retirement

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Some weeks after Chattanooga Police Chief Fred Fletcher announced retirement after his contract ends this summer, Fletcher revealed plans to supplement his income by offering a broad range of dietary and energy supplements.
Fletcher, who has been Chattanooga Police chief since 2014, has always dreamed of being his own boss and exploring his maximum potential.
“While the fight to keep the streets of Chattanooga safe from gang violence must continue, preparing your future for health and financial success must be a priority as well,” explained Chattanooga Police Chief Fred Fletcher, while sitting on a flowery upholstered love seat, surrounded by a dozen middle-aged men and women.

UTC buys Chattanooga Bystander for the fourth anniversary and immediately fires staff

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For the fourth anniversary of Chattanooga Bystander, the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga announced it has bought the publication to add to its collection of hard-hitting journalism it can tamper with. Little did they know, Bystander writers Dirk Savage and Francis Porkloin would soon be jobless.

Chattanooga Bystander, which was started on April 1st, 2013, has been the leading source of providing Chattanooga too much information that it didn’t know it craved.

“WUTC receives a majority of its funding from the likes of Rick Davis, Lake Winnepesaukah, local government officials, Harrison Keely, Paul Barys, sad Riverbend acts, and many others these two sleaze bags have shit talked over the last four years,” explained George Heddleston, senior associate vice chancellor of marketing and communication for UTC. “I was informed they didn’t even show their press badges when reporting at Las Margaritas a few months ago.”

Andy Berke caught kissing reflection in mirror after re-election

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Shocking allegations have emerged that Mayor Andy Berke was caught kissing his own reflection in a mirror after being re-elected last night, according to sources.

“It was totally weird,” said one anonymous witness. “First, he was talking to his reflection in this kind of high, baby voice, saying, ‘Who’s a big, strong two-term mayor?'”

“Then, he changed his voice into a deep, manly voice and said, ‘Andy wants some candy,'” said the witness. “Then he closed his eyes and just started kissing his reflection, like, really going to town.”

“There are some things that you just can’t un-see,” said the witness.

Last year, Berke was accused of having an inappropriate relationship with his senior adviser, and her husband allegedly caught the two kissing.

“Let me be clear: the allegations are absolutely false. I do not and never had an inappropriate relationship with that mirror,” said Berke at a press conference today.

The mirror has not returned multiple requests for comment.

Poll: Handful of warm cottage cheese more popular than four mayoral candidates

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A recent poll of eligible Chattanooga voters has revealed that most would prefer to have a handful of warm cottage cheese as the next mayor of Chattanooga instead of any of the four mayoral candidates: incumbent Andy Berke, David Crockett, Larry Grohn and Chris Long.

“A handful of warm cottage cheese is a viable write-in candidate,” said local political analyst Kris Collendair.

“Voters are looking at the current slate of candidates and are not happy,” said Collendair. “You’re looking at the status quo and ineffective policies for reducing violence, or certain outdated civil-rights stances regarding LGBT issues or making Chattanooga essentially a suburb of Atlanta by advocating a high-speed rail system between the two cities.”

“This handful of warm cottage cheese is just the no-nonsense candidate that people can relate to,” said Collendair.

Polls are open today for the Chattanooga mayoral election from 8 a.m. to 7 p.m.

Larry Grohn to play Wolverine in next X-Men movie

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After actor Hugh Jackman announced his intention last year to step down from portraying the comic-book character Wolverine, Marvel Entertainment announced that it has hired Chattanooga mayoral candidate and District 4 Councilman Larry Grohn to be the new Wolverine.

“I am super pumped to portray this hairy mutant,” said Grohn. “Ever since I heard that Hugh Jackman would be retiring from the role, I’ve been working out four hours a day and drinking protein shakes with the hope of taking his place. I am freakin’ ripped.”

“We couldn’t believe it when we first saw Grohn’s headshot,” said casting director Tracy Ralnaught. “He’s got that perfect, piercing gaze that epitomizes the dark and complicated character of Wolverine. I mean, just check out that widow’s peak! This is one mean mofo.”

The soon-to-be-released film Logan, the third and final Wolverine solo movie and the tenth X-Men movie, marks the 17th year of Jackman playing Wolverine, a mutant with retractable claws made of the fictional metal alloy Adamantium.

It is uncertain how this acting job might affect Grohn’s civic duties, if he were to win the upcoming Chattanooga mayoral election.

Although Grohn accepted this Wolverine role, he turned down the opportunity to portray “Wolverina,” a re-imagined transgender Wolverine in the X-Men reboot slated for 2019 entitled Ex-Men, saying “Gender is not a choice.”

Trump arrives in Chattanooga for Southside Social’s new dress code unveiling

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After months of these darn kids causing a ruckus, Chattanooga’s Southside Social announced a new dress code that will be unveiled by none other than President Donald J Trump. The arrival comes after a representative from the establishment vowed to “Make Southside Social Great Again!”.

Experts believe some new requirements of the dress code, like no baggy clothing, will help relieve some injuries from patrons trying to scale a newly constructed wall around the building, that East Lake will pay for.

“It’s a great new dress code, really terrific. No more having to look at people play skeeball dressed like the Village People, I can tell you this,” explained President Trump while looking to a table with 30 copies of the new Southside Social dress code. ”

 

 

 

 

Andy Berke releases Larry Grohn’s grandson’s Algebra homework

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After a week of grueling debates between candidates for the 2017 Chattanooga Mayorship, Andy Berke has announced he has uncovered opponent Councilman Larry Grohn’s grandson’s Algebra homework. The revelation comes just days after Grohn released some bullshit he thought was worthwhile against Berke.

Experts believe Councilman Larry Grohn secretly helped his grandson with the homework in question, but are left troubled by a grade of C-.

“As you can clearly see, Councilman Grohn clearly has his mind set on other things since his handwriting is all over this homework,” explained Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke, while holding up Algebra homework that was graded as C-. “How can we trust a man who can’t even help his grandson achieve at least an A- to lead our dear city?”

 

Trump takes credit for local jobs created to protest Trump

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President Donald Trump took credit, in his inaugural speech, for creating tens of thousands of local jobs that are directly related to protesting Trump.

“Believe me, this is all part of my economic plan for America,” said Trump. “I want all of these protest signs, t-shirts and hoodies to be American made, not in some Chinese sweatshop.”

“When you burn effigies of me in the streets, I want those to be top-quality effigies, made by American hands from American cotton,” said Trump.

“Take for example the Women’s March on Chattanooga,” said Trump about the march happening today at 3 p.m. at Coolidge Park. “Protesting is tiring work, and protesters will stimulate the Chattanooga economy by buying food, coffee and post-march massages from nearby businesses.”

“I’ve known all along that the more outrageous things I say and the more unethical things I do, the more people will protest, and protesting is part of the new economy,” said Trump.

Eddie Pontiac turns down inauguration musical invite

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Local musician and Mexican restaurant staple Eddie Pontiac announced he had declined an invitation to play at Friday’s inauguration for President Elect Donald Trump.

Pontiac, who many call the man with the golden voice, has entertained Mexican restaurant patrons for over 20 years.

Experts believe Pontiac opted to decline the invitation to perform due to prior commitments of playing for 8 hours Friday evening at El Mason.

“While many people will be kind and brake for me, I will not brake for Trump this Friday,” explained Pontiac, while strumming thru a rendition of the Joker.

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