Politics - Page 6

Councilwoman Coonrod demands to speak with Mayor McCheese for burger complaint

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Councilwoman Demetrus Coonrod reportedly demanded to speak with Mayor McCheese to lodge a complaint at a fast food restaurant about a burger that was not made to her satisfaction.

This news comes after it was revealed in Chattanooga Police body-cam footage that Coonrod asked to speak with then-police Chief Fred Fletcher during a late-night traffic stop last month, to bypass several levels of supervision.

The fast-food cashier who took Coonrod’s order did not fulfill her request to speak with McCheese, explaining that the chain of command goes from the cashier, to the cashier’s supervisor, to the restaurant manager, to Grimace, to Ronald, to Officer Big Mac and then to Mayor McCheese.

“Before I Die in Five Minutes…” wall installed in crime-ridden East Chatt.

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After the success of a “Before I Die” chalkboard wall installed in Coolidge Park, upon which people are encouraged to write their “bucket list” items, a wall was installed in East Chattanooga that is a slight variation on the concept.

Instead of lines that read “Before I Die I Want To,” the East Chattanooga wall reads “Before I Die in Five Minutes I Want To,” to reflect the increased risk of experiencing violent activity in that area.

Despite the city’s Violence Reduction Initiative program, which critics say has not had significant results, the city has struggled with curbing violence, especially from gang activity.

“Naturally, people are going to be more realistic with their bucket list items on this new wall,” said public art coordinator Ashley Bikenhalker. “Things like, ‘Enjoy a candy bar’ or ‘Squeeze one out behind this dumpster’ or ‘Post a selfie to Facebook so that authorities know where they can find my corpse.'”

“Hail Satan” license plates now available in Tenn.

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After Tennessee legislators passed a bill to allow residents to get license plates that bear the phrase “In God We Trust,” in the interest of religious diversity, other plates were made available that bear other religious phrases, including “Shalom,” “Namaste,” “Praise Jah” and “Hail Satan.”

“It’s only fair,” said State Senator Brody Printrip. “We should celebrate our diversity.”

“Yes, we are deep in the Bible Belt, but the freedom of religion is a constitutionally protected right,” said Printrip, holding up a license plate with the phrase “There’s No Prob With Bob.”

Riverbend headliner Toby Keith investigated for sharing secret guitar riffs with Saudis

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Three weeks after country music star and Riverbend headliner Toby Keith performed in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia to an all-male audience, taking place during President Trump’s first overseas trip, it was reported that Keith was being investigated for sharing secret guitar riffs with the Saudi government.

“We need to get to the bottom of this,” said political analyst Abe Tolhirst. “We are talking about some sick riffs, like, some absolutely killer riffage that should only be in American hands.”

“These riffs are military-grade riffs that can make people lose their minds and incessantly hoot and holler and make poor fashion decisions, involving denim abuse and flag motifs,” said Tolhirst.

It is unknown whether or not Keith will use these riffs at his June 16 performance at Riverbend.

Sen. Corker Googles “How to remove bumper sticker without damaging paint”

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Senator Bob Corker has Googled the phrase “How to remove bumper sticker without damaging paint,” reports say.

This news comes one day after Corker, chairman of the Foreign Relations Committee, made comments to reporters about the White House, saying, “Obviously they’re in a downward spiral right now.”

“Man, I just bought this new Volkswagen last year,” said Corker. “She’s a sweet ride.”

“I’m a little reluctant to spray WD-40 on the bumper or use a blow dryer, in case of discoloration,” said Corker.

“I wish I remembered what I did the last time I removed a bumper sticker, which was in the ’90s when they replaced Sammy Hagar in Van Halen with the lead singer of Extreme,” said Corker.

City eliminates all crime by closing one convenience store

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In one astounding move, the City of Chattanooga eliminated all crime, including gang activity and drug deals, by closing down a single convenience store: the Westside Shop.

“Why didn’t we think of this earlier?” said a representative from the Hamilton County District Attorney’s office. “Who would’ve thought it would be this easy?”

“Curses! After the closing of the Westside Shop, we have no choice but to give up our lives of crime and become honest, law-abiding citizens,” said one gang member who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “It’s not like we can just walk one block down the street and carry on our illegal activities there.”

The petition from the Hamilton County District Attorney mentioned that over a 27-month period, Chattanooga Police officers were called to the store’s area over 200 times for suspicious activity, fights, robberies, drug-related activity and other offenses.

Critics of the closure claimed that it was unfair to the business owners and that the closure would punish low-income families by reducing access to groceries, but they were silenced after hearing about the immediate and total elimination of crime in the entire city.

“We want to take our revolutionary crime-fighting idea of closing down businesses beyond Chattanooga,” said a city representative. “Did you know that 100% of bank robberies take place at banks? If you just close down all the banks, then you will completely eliminate bank robberies.”

Chief Fred Fletcher announces plans to sell dietary supplements after retirement

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Some weeks after Chattanooga Police Chief Fred Fletcher announced retirement after his contract ends this summer, Fletcher revealed plans to supplement his income by offering a broad range of dietary and energy supplements.
Fletcher, who has been Chattanooga Police chief since 2014, has always dreamed of being his own boss and exploring his maximum potential.
“While the fight to keep the streets of Chattanooga safe from gang violence must continue, preparing your future for health and financial success must be a priority as well,” explained Chattanooga Police Chief Fred Fletcher, while sitting on a flowery upholstered love seat, surrounded by a dozen middle-aged men and women.

UTC buys Chattanooga Bystander for the fourth anniversary and immediately fires staff

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For the fourth anniversary of Chattanooga Bystander, the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga announced it has bought the publication to add to its collection of hard-hitting journalism it can tamper with. Little did they know, Bystander writers Dirk Savage and Francis Porkloin would soon be jobless.

Chattanooga Bystander, which was started on April 1st, 2013, has been the leading source of providing Chattanooga too much information that it didn’t know it craved.

“WUTC receives a majority of its funding from the likes of Rick Davis, Lake Winnepesaukah, local government officials, Harrison Keely, Paul Barys, sad Riverbend acts, and many others these two sleaze bags have shit talked over the last four years,” explained George Heddleston, senior associate vice chancellor of marketing and communication for UTC. “I was informed they didn’t even show their press badges when reporting at Las Margaritas a few months ago.”

Andy Berke caught kissing reflection in mirror after re-election

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Shocking allegations have emerged that Mayor Andy Berke was caught kissing his own reflection in a mirror after being re-elected last night, according to sources.

“It was totally weird,” said one anonymous witness. “First, he was talking to his reflection in this kind of high, baby voice, saying, ‘Who’s a big, strong two-term mayor?'”

“Then, he changed his voice into a deep, manly voice and said, ‘Andy wants some candy,'” said the witness. “Then he closed his eyes and just started kissing his reflection, like, really going to town.”

“There are some things that you just can’t un-see,” said the witness.

Last year, Berke was accused of having an inappropriate relationship with his senior adviser, and her husband allegedly caught the two kissing.

“Let me be clear: the allegations are absolutely false. I do not and never had an inappropriate relationship with that mirror,” said Berke at a press conference today.

The mirror has not returned multiple requests for comment.

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