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Local Democrats asked to extinguish wildfires with tears

After the shocking victory of Donald Trump over Hillary Clinton in the U.S. Presidential election, Democratic Party leaders have asked local Democrats to help extinguish the raging wildfires with their plentiful teardrops.

“I literally can’t stop crying,” said the weeping Chattanooga resident Kris Ferugina while waiting to board a helicopter which will fly over areas affected by wildfires. “I don’t know how I can tell my children the news that the next president is a xenophobic bigot who mocks people with disabilities, bashes war heroes and brags about sexual assault.”

Democratic challengers Melody Shekari and Khristy Wilkinson were also defeated in races against Republican incumbents Rep. Chuck Fleischmann and state Senator Todd Gardenhire, respectively, assuring that Democratic tears would flow like the rushing waters of Fall Creek Falls.

“Cry your pretty little eyes out,” said Hamilton County Democratic Party Chairman Ashley Fiannan. “Let’s put out those fires quickly. You have until this weekend to get it all out of your system. Snap to it, we’ve got a lot of work to do, to fight some toxic bullshit.”

Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

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