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Poll: Handful of warm cottage cheese more popular than four mayoral candidates

A recent poll of eligible Chattanooga voters has revealed that most would prefer to have a handful of warm cottage cheese as the next mayor of Chattanooga instead of any of the four mayoral candidates: incumbent Andy Berke, David Crockett, Larry Grohn and Chris Long.

“A handful of warm cottage cheese is a viable write-in candidate,” said local political analyst Kris Collendair.

“Voters are looking at the current slate of candidates and are not happy,” said Collendair. “You’re looking at the status quo and ineffective policies for reducing violence, or certain outdated civil-rights stances regarding LGBT issues or making Chattanooga essentially a suburb of Atlanta by advocating a high-speed rail system between the two cities.”

“This handful of warm cottage cheese is just the no-nonsense candidate that people can relate to,” said Collendair.

Polls are open today for the Chattanooga mayoral election from 8 a.m. to 7 p.m.

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

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