Politics - Page 8

Berke claims Putin leaking investigation details

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After weeks of shocking revelations in the case of Mayor Andy Berke and members of his cabinet, a source close to the Mayor said he believes the leaks have come from none other than Russian leader Vladimir Putin. Berke claims Putin has been in cahoots with accuser Bobby Stone, who he claims may have had shirtless horse rides with the Russian President.

Members of the Berke administration originally believed Wikileaks could have been behind the leaks, but not even Wikileaks’ Julian Assange could crack the administration’s much frowned upon WhatsApp account.

“Let me be clear, these accusations are completely false and are obviously leaked by Vladimir Putin and because of his hatred for gigabit internet and Mexican restaurants”, exclaimed Berke.

Hamilton County starts locking prison doors after business hours

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After shocking revelations emerged that ankle monitors on offenders in Hamilton County aren’t being tracked after business hours and that one criminal escaped house arrest after removing his ankle monitor, the corrections department announced that it would start locking its prison doors during evenings and weekends.

“Be assured that our new policy will come at no cost to taxpayers,” said Pat Forharrel, a representative for the Hamilton County Corrections Department. “The locks on the prison doors already exist. We’re just going to start locking them, outside business hours.”

“So far, we’ve just been on the honor system,” said Forharrel. “It’s like in professional wrestling, when a referee gets distracted or perhaps gets in a prolonged conversation with a wrestler’s manager during a match. While the referee isn’t looking, it’s just assumed that everyone will play fair. No shenanigans.”

“The prisoners probably think that when the doors are closed, that they automatically lock,” said Forharrel. “Thank goodness nobody has previously leaned on their cell doors outside business hours, ’cause they would have swung wide open and somebody could have fallen down and gotten hurt.”

Prison (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/89DR6H)
Prison (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/89DR6H)

Trump enlists Corker for foreign policy for countries where Americans will move

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Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump enlisted Senator Bob Corker, a former mayor of Chattanooga, as a member of his national security advisory council to develop foreign policy for relations with countries where many Americans will move if Trump is elected.

“When Trump gets elected, we’re going to have a lot of angry and scared people moving from our nation to other countries,” said Corker, the current chairman of the U.S. Senate Foreign Relations Committee. “And I’ll do my best to shape the foreign policy to deal with those countries, which will likely be volatile because they’re now engorged with disgruntled ex-pats.”

With Corker joining Trump’s advisory council, which has been unanimously considered a prudent and well-thought-out move, Corker – who had a successful career in real estate – will also advise Trump on ways to not lose $915 million in a single year.

Sen. Bob Corker (Modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/5jkmz1)
Sen. Bob Corker (Modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/5jkmz1)

Berke wears mesh shirt at Pride Parade to show transparency

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Mayor Andy Berke strutted down Riverside Drive wearing a white mesh shirt at yesterday’s Chattanooga Pride Parade in order to demonstrate a commitment to transparency, after criticism about previously using an encrypted smartphone messaging app to communicate with his staff.

“I’ve got nothing to hide,” said Berke, as he lifted up his mesh shirt to slowly rub baby oil all over his chiseled, hairless chest. “Why would I, when you’ve got these rock-hard, six-pack abs like mine?”

Berke surprised parade watchers with multiple outfit changes during the event, featuring a variety of see-through apparel, including a clear plastic vest with the words “BOY TOY” printed on it.

“I’ll comply with any open records request,” said a shirtless Berke, wearing suspenders and a bow tie.

“I’ll open my records, all right. Wide. Wide open, baby,” said Berke, before tearing his eyeglasses from his face and winking an eye.

Berke admits to giving secret decoder rings to staff

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Mayor Andy Berke admitted at a press conference this afternoon that he had previously given secret decoder rings to members of his staff for communication purposes, raising concerns about transparency and the ability to fulfill open records requests.

“Although we stopped using the rings and threw them away, as far as I know, the city of Chattanooga has no policy that disallows the use of such decoder rings,” said Berke.

Each member of Berke’s staff was assigned a different colored ring, and to begin each daily staff meeting, members would bring their hands together so that their rings would form a rainbow, according to an inside source.

Berke would then declare, “Berke Team Rainbow Seven, commence!” and the staff would clap their hands once in unison, before making an “X” with their forearms and tilting their heads down briefly.

Berke also admitted to using lemon juice as ink for certain written communications and encouraging the use of “leetspeak.”

At the end of the press conference, Berke said some words that were undecipherable by the audience.

“Etslay etgay theway ellhay outway ofway erehay, acystay,” said Berke.

Secret decoder ring (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/bXtoMA)
Secret decoder ring (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/bXtoMA)

Insurers to create GoFundMe campaigns for policy holders before price hikes

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Health insurers in Tennessee have announced that they will automatically create individual GoFundMe campaigns for each ObamaCare exchange plan policy holder for convenience, after it was announced that Tennessee regulators had approved large increases in individual rates for 2017.

Tennessee’s largest health insurer, BlueCross BlueShield of Tennessee, was approved for a 62 percent increase in individual rates for next year, while Cigna and Humana were approved for 46.3 percent and 44.3 percent, respectively.

Proponents of the Affordable Care Act, also known as “ObamaCare,” have praised the program for encouraging people to obtain insurance, which can be subsidized, while opponents have cited increases such as these as evidence that ObamaCare is faulty.

The Temptations song “Ain’t too Proud too Beg” was played at a press conference earlier today, before insurance company representatives made the announcement.

“Crowdsourcing platforms such as GoFundMe have made it easy and socially acceptable to essentially beg,” said Lester Gileadd, an insurance industry representative. “We’ve all decided to automatically create these GoFundMe fundraising campaigns for our individual policy holders, ’cause after these upcoming price hikes, you’re going to need every penny.”

“The best thing to do is to just try not to get sick, y’all,” said Gileadd.

Cleveland Police ask criminals to postpone crimes until prison overcrowding resolved

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After the Bradley County Jail became so overcrowded that Cleveland Police officers were instructed to possibly retain inmates in their patrol cars, the police department made a public plea, asking people to postpone any criminal activities until the prison overcrowding issue had been resolved.

“Please, do us a solid this one time and just hold off on your criminal shenanigans for a little while,” said Cleveland Police Chief Rodger Butterfelden. “We are up to our tits in inmates.”

As of Thursday, the Bradley County Jail held 558 prisoners, while it was only certified to hold 408 inmates, and offenders could be found draped over desks, nodding off while leaning against walls, and sleeping head-to-toe, two or three per bunk.

“These prisoners are getting really cozy with each other here, like that swinger party we busted up back in ’97,” said Butterfelden, whispering, while tip-toeing over inmates sleeping on the floor. “Aw, would you look at that? They are all plumb tuckered out, like kids at a slumber party.”
Prison (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source)
Prison (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source)

Local Dems seek more Wilkinsons for State Senate race

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Area Democrats are seeking to raise more Wilkinsons for the State Senate District 10 race, to face Republican incumbent Todd Gardenhire.

“It’s all about the Wilkinsons!” said Rowan Thirth, Director of the Hamilton County Democratic Party. “Gotta have more Wilkinsons if we want to defeat Gardenhire.”

The District 10 Democratic Party primary race currently has three candidates: Highland Park organizer Khristy Wilkinson, Chattanooga deputy administrator Nick Wilkinson, and entrepreneur Ty Wilkinson, who recently announced that he had changed his name from Ty O’Grady in order to meet the demand for more Wilkinsons.

“Fellow Democrats, I urge you to ask all your friends with the last name ‘Wilkinson’ to enter this race,” said Thirth.

Early voting begins this Friday for the primary, which will be decided on August 4.

“Wilkinson!” said Thirth. “Wilkinson, Wilkinson, Wilkinson, WILKINSON!”

Khristy Wilkinson (l), Nick Wilkinson (r)
Khristy Wilkinson (l), Nick Wilkinson (r)

WUTC DJ quits using British accent after Brexit

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Disc jockey and voice-over artist Richard Winham, heard on the local radio station WUTC, shocked listeners when he stopped using his distinctively urbane British accent after hearing the results of Brexit referendum, concerning the withdrawal of the United Kingdom from the European Union.

“This news got me shakin’ like a hound dog trying to crap out a peach pit, I tell you whut,” said Winham, with a heavy Southern drawl.

Although the London-born DJ moved to the United States in the early ’70s and has worked for WUTC since 1987, until now he had kept his British accent intact.

“Got an ideal I reckon I might could hunker down in the holler for a spell and hit the shine like Cooter Brown,” said Winham. “Sheeeeeeeit.”

“Make America White Again” candidate seeks to ban tanning salons

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makeamericawhite
Independent candidate Rick Tyler, who is in the race for Tennessee’s 3rd Congressional District, generated controversy due to a campaign billboard that read, “Make America White Again,” and he unveiled his plan to keep Tennesseans as pale as possible by first banning tanning salons.

“I long to see the day when I look around and just see a bunch of people who look like Edgar Winter, smiling back at me,” said Tyler.

“Tanning salons are an abomination,” said Tyler. “How can you improve upon a beautiful, pasty white ass, like mine? When I moon people, they say it’s like staring into the goddamn sun.”

Tyler has vowed to ban both traditional and bronze-spray tanning salons, along with any other skin-darkening method, with an exception made for blackface makeup.

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