Politics - Page 9

After a brutal 24 hours of horrendous events in Chattanooga, which saw misleading social media posts and wounds that required the 45 minute-later care of a small band-aid, one local politician is pleading with the community to stop this new onset of terrible violence.

“While the Chattanooga area has never seen this sort of horrific violence, leaders in our community must come together and pass legislation to make these types of weapons difficult for such heinous criminals to obtain, or at least cut off their supply of CO2.” said the young politician.

Bystanders believe the latest wave of violence was a scuffle between two area gangs: those who have confederate flag vehicle decals and those who don’t.

“When will the violence end? Hashtag Noogastrong,” exclaimed one onlooker.

At a press conference this afternoon, the City of Chattanooga announced that it had hired agent Jack Bauer for a 24-hour period starting Sunday evening, during which he will perform a set of country music at the Revelry Room and also solve Chattanooga’s gang violence problem by any means necessary.

“Although people want solutions quickly, it takes time and a huge amount of effort to fight a complex issue such as gang violence,” said a representative for the city, Kim Lennox, in the wake of several shootings and homicides in the last two weeks. “Unless, of course, you can get Jack Bauer on the job.”

“With Jack, all you need is a boatload of ammo and twenty-four hours,” said Lennox. “Sure, Jack might get frustrated a few times and shout out ‘Damn it, Chloe!’ and torture a few people in the process, but he always comes through.”

In preparation for Jack Bauer’s arrival, the City of Chattanooga purchased $1 million worth of cameras in order to film Bauer in action, with the footage intended to be broadcast on TV.

“At the Revelry Room, he’ll rock you hard,” said Lennox. “Then, on the streets of Chattanooga, he’ll rock those gang members even harder.”

After Tennessee officials announced plans for a .50 caliber rifle as the state’s official rifle, Chattanooga officials have named the Super Soaker 50 as the city’s official water gun.

Experts believe the Super Soaker is a neutral weapon, which does not expose the penis size of those calling for a state gun.

“Behold, the River City weapon of choice,” exclaimed councilman Chris Anderson, while leaning over and filling a Super Soaker tank full of Tennessee River water from Ross’s Landing.

Several months after Governor Bill Haslam asked the federal government to stop sending Syrian refugees to Tennessee, he took measures today to block the rock band Foreigner from entering the state, before the group was scheduled to play Chattanooga’s Tivoli Theater.

“It’s a matter of security to be careful regarding who we take into our state,” said Haslam, who appeared to be confused about the situation. “This Foreigner is coming here from a long, long way from home.”

“I don’t want to be as cold as ice, but we must proceed with caution,” said Haslam. “We have to take action now, to prevent potential radical Islamists from entering the state.”

“It’s urgent,” said Haslam. “Urgent. Emergency.”