Politics - Page 10

During today’s campaign stop in Chattanooga, Republican Presidential hopeful Marco Rubio took time from his tour of the city to make a stop by the up-and-coming MLK mural being painted by a group of local artists. While at the site, Mr. Rubio took it upon himself to draw a sizable penis and the words “Rubio 4 Prez”, ruining the work of dozens of talented artists over the last few weeks. 

“I was up on a crane finishing a few touch ups on my part of the mural, and all of a sudden I see Mario Rubio waving from the ground below me,” explained local artist Jonathan Levi. “The next thing I know, I’m hit over the head with a blackjack and wake up to see a sizable green penis above me.”

After Knoxville defeated Chattanooga in the online “Top Towns” contest from Blue Ridge Outdoors magazine to determine the best outdoor city in the American South, it further asserted its dominance by imprisoning Mayor Andy Berke in the iconic Sunsphere.

“How d’ya like them apples?” said Knoxville mayor Madeline Rogero, while pointing toward the Sunsphere, which is serving as Mayor Berke’s golden cage. “Gig city, my ass.”

Mayor Rogero called a press conference in order to deliver a video message to Chattanooga, in the wake of the humiliating defeat.

“Quake with fear, citizens of Chattanooga, and bow down to your new leader,” said Rogero. “In the upcoming days, each of you will be fitted for your matching all-orange UTK sweatsuit uniform, then await my orders.”

The Chattanooga Police Department is planning a daring rescue mission for Mayor Berke, who is reportedly given two meals a day of Petro’s chili and chips and forced to listen to “Rocky Top” twenty-four hours a day.

After Hamilton County Sheriff Jim Hammond discussed plans to monitor state-wide Muslim activity earlier today at a Hamilton County Pachyderm Club meeting, he vowed to wear a burqa and go undercover himself at local mosques to search for any potential Islamic extremists.

Hammond called Islam “communism with a god” and “the strongest infringement that we’ve had in our country…since communism,” and he said, “Even if only 5 percent…want to perform jihad, that’s a lot of people.”

“If I must infiltrate every mosque and possible sleeper cell in the area myself, I will do it,” said Hammond. “I will learn Arabic and study the Qur’an and develop a taste for falafel, so I will become one of them.”

“I will speak with a high-pitched voice like a woman and wear a burqa all day,” said Hammond. “As a mole, I am prepared to enter an arranged marriage as an ISIS bride in order to get to the heart of the operation, if I must.

Skirts across the city of Chattanooga celebrated the annual holiday Women’s Equality Day today, which commemorates the 95th anniversary of the certification of the 19th Amendment, guaranteeing broads the right to vote.

“Major victories have been won in the war against sexism in the last century,” said local dollface Abigail Lissing. “But there is still much to do in this nation, where women earn around 78 cents for every dollar a man earns.”

“The majority of the US population is composed of women,” said Cynthia Gillett, one ripe tomato who lives in North Chattanooga. “However, it’s just crazy that today, less than one-fifth of all congressional seats are held by women.”

“In the struggle for equality, all the low-hanging fruit has already been picked,” said Madeline Goss, a dame who teaches physics at a local high school. “It’s time to go after all kinds of sexism, even the most subtle kind. It’s everywhere in advertising and the media, working subconsciously from something as simple as a choice of one word over another.”