Politics - Page 11

State legislators propose 9-month waiting period for abortions

/

Pregnant woman (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/nL2KaW)
Pregnant woman (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/nL2KaW)
After the Tennessee Senate approved a bill that would require a 48-hour waiting period for women seeking abortions, some legislators proposed extending the length of the waiting period to nine months.

“We just want to make sure women have really, really thought this through before having an abortion,” said State Senator Geoff Fedherr. “Once, on a whim, I bought a pair of red leather pants, which turned out to be a mistake. If I had taken a day or two to really think about it, I could’ve avoided it.”

The 48-hour waiting period measure passed on Wednesday, although proposed amendments did not, including providing exceptions for victims of rape or incest or additionally requiring the woman to carry around an audio player that would play a child’s voice saying “I love you Mommy” on a continuous loop for the 48-hour period.

Pro-choice legislators suggested instead that the audio player should use the sound of an infant crying and screaming.

“Nine months is a totally arbitrary length of time,” said Fedherr. “We just felt like that was a long enough period of time to make a big decision.”

TN House votes Billy Ray Cyrus bio “Hillbilly Heart” as official state book

/
Billy Ray Cyrus
Billy Ray Cyrus

The biography of country music superstar Billy Ray Cyrus, “Hillbilly Heart,” was voted by the Tennessee House of Representatives to be the official book of Tennessee.

The GOP-led effort, spearheaded by Representative Jerry Sexton, originally sought to make the Bible the official book of Tennessee but ran into resistance from those who claimed it violated the concept of separation of church and state.

After the bill was amended to change the Bible to “Hillbilly Heart,” it found support among Republicans and Democrats, and if it passes in the state Senate, it would join other state symbols including the official state songs “Tennessee Waltz” and “Rocky Top” and the official state amphibian, the Tennessee cave salamander.

“‘Hillbilly Heart’ tells the story of a hard-working musician that everyone can relate to,” said Sexton. “He has had so many different well-known, beloved hits, from ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ to ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ and superb acting roles in films like ‘Mulholland Drive’ and ‘Sharknado 2: The Second One.'”

State representatives celebrated after the unanimous vote by line-dancing the “Achy Breaky” in the State Capitol building in Nashville.

State Sen. Gardenhire unveils new “Insure the Assholes” plan

/
TN State Senator Todd Gardenhire
TN State Senator Todd Gardenhire

After Governor Bill Haslam’s “Insure Tennessee” plan to provide coverage for approximately 280,000 uninsured Tennesseeans was voted down for a second time on Tuesday, State Senator Todd Gardenhire announced that he had drafted a bill called “Insure the Assholes” and is seeking bipartisan support.

Gardenhire received criticism from progressives for voting against “Insure Tennessee” twice, and after voting on Tuesday, when asked by an uninsured constituent if he would give up his publicly financed health insurance, Gardenhire called the man an “asshole.”

“I’m no fan of Obamacare, and I had more than a couple of concerns with ‘Insure Tennessee,'” said Gardenhire. “So, I got to work on a brand new plan to close the coverage gap for all those dickwads, cockfarmers and shitheads who don’t have insurance.”

“I call it ‘Insure the Assholes,'” said Gardenhire. “This shows that I really do care about all of those hundreds of thousands of uninsured goat-fuckers in Tennessee.”

TN dyes lethal injections green for St. Patrick’s Day

Injection syringe (Modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/nQS5KZ)
Injection syringe (Modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/nQS5KZ)
In Tennessee, Death Row just became a little more festive today, as the Tennessee Department of Correction dyed its lethal injections green to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day.

“Some of us with Irish blood say that we bleed green,” said Department of Correction representative Eoghan Maeleachlainn, who was dressed like a leprechaun. “Well, these convicted criminals about to receive the death penalty will literally have green running through their veins, after they receive these lethal injections.”

Lethal injections have been increasingly difficult to procure, due to export restrictions upon European pharmaceutical companies for such drugs, making such occasions even more special, and in 2014, Governor Bill Haslam signed a bill to allow the use of the electric chair for executions, should lethal injections be unavailable.

In addition to the Death Row inmates receiving their requested last meals, they will also receive a green mint-flavored McDonald’s Shamrock Shake.

“Today, these hardened criminals will be slain. Or should I say: Sláinte!” said Maeleachlainn, while raising a pint of Guinness.

Meanies hurt State Sen. Todd Gardenhire’s feelings with sidewalk chalk drawings

Sidewalk chalk (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/75oVa7) / TN State Sen. Todd Gardenhire
Sidewalk chalk (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/75oVa7) / TN State Sen. Todd Gardenhire
Tuesday morning, it was discovered that a bunch of meanies drew colorful sidewalk chalk drawings outside the office of TN State Senator Todd Gardenhire, expressing disapproval.

The chalk drawings criticized Gardenhire’s opposition toward Gov. Bill Haslam’s “Insure TN” proposal to insure 280,000 low-income Tennesseans and hurt his feelings in the process.

“Why do people have to be so mean?” said Gardenhire, holding back tears, at a press conference this afternoon. “If I find out who did this, I am going to tell on them.”

According to the Times Free Press, Gardenhire said about the meanies, “They might as well be in Nazi Germany, using tactics like this.”

The Nazi regime in Germany, under Adolf Hitler, was responsible for methodically murdering approximately six million Jews between 1941 and 1945.

“They may start with chalk drawings, but what will come next from these monsters?” said Gardenhire. “Now, I live in fear that they might soap my windows, or wrap my car’s antenna with yarn, or send me a letter full of glitter, or put a loaf of bread in my mailbox.”

Cleveland TN adopts “Eunuchs only” policy for future Police Chiefs

Police department of Cleveland, TN
Police department of Cleveland, TN
After Cleveland, Tenn. Police Chief Dennis Maddux served only one day in the position before being reassigned to his previous position, city officials announced that it would enact a “Eunuchs only” policy for the hiring of future Police Chiefs.

Police officer Jeff Griggs claimed that Maddux was kissing his wife Cindy Griggs in a parked car just over the Bradley County line, which resulted in Cindy Griggs being allegedly bitten by Jeff Griggs when she took his camera’s memory card.

In late 2013, Cleveland Police Chief Wes Snyder suddenly retired after video footage emerged showing Snyder and a woman who was not his wife entering a storage unit that was apparently a love nest, with pillows, blankets and a bottle of brandy.

“This nonsense has got to stop,” said City of Cleveland representative Alex Moreschi. “We need a Police Chief who will think with his head, not his tallywhacker.”

City officials clarified that future Police Chiefs do not necessarily have to be a castrated male; in the case of a female Police Chief, she would need to have undergone an oophorectomy–removal of the ovaries–or demonstrate decreased libido as that which may occur with menopause.

“It takes a lot to be a Police Chief. You need to be a strong leader who is wise and patient, not testy,” said Moreschi. “It takes confidence and courage, and it also takes a pair of brass balls. But just not the fleshy kind, anymore.”

Gov. Haslam declares State of Emergency over divisive white or blue dress controversy

The Dress
The Dress
Gov. Bill Haslam declared Tennessee to be in a State of Emergency earlier today, as a result of the mass chaos that has erupted over the question of whether a dress in a photo being shared on social media is colored white and gold or blue and black.

“I urge the public to remain calm in this severe crisis,” said Haslam. “Stay inside, lock your doors, and don’t get on Facebook, Tumblr or Reddit for at least the next 48 hours, I implore you.”

The divisive issue has caused friends and family members to turn on each other with violent disagreement, over a simple matter of color perception with regards to a particular snapshot of a dress.

“Team White and Gold has occupied the Southside, while Team Blue and Black has taken over the North Shore,” said Police Chief Fred Fletcher. “I’ve heard murmurs of martial law, but let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.”

“There are riots, looting, naked napalm-scalded children running through the streets, screaming,” said resident Katharin Pourlay. “I haven’t seen so many people so angry about an issue since Coke changed its formula in 1985.”

Commuter waterslide to link downtown, Enterprise South

/

Commuter waterslide (Images modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Sources: flic.kr/p/5ME1cW and flic.kr/p/pbCHiv)
Commuter waterslide (Images modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Sources: flic.kr/p/5ME1cW and flic.kr/p/pbCHiv)
Chattanooga city officials announced at a press conference this afternoon that the city would pursue plans to create a giant commuter waterslide, connecting downtown and the Enterprise South industrial park.

“Once again, Chattanooga is leading the way,” said Chattanooga Transportation Director Martha Hearrin. “It’s a safe, economical and green method of transportation that just makes sense, in this day and age.”

“Downtown residents can get to and from work without using a car, and what’s more fun than a waterslide?” said Hearrin.

Hearrin mentioned that the inspiration for the idea of a commuter waterslide came after hearing about the “Slide the City” event scheduled for July 25, which will convert over 1,000 feet of Chattanooga’s downtown streets into a giant waterslide.

“Screw light rail,” said Hearrin. “Buses and cars can go bite a dick. Waterslides are where it’s at.”

New billionaire Gov. Haslam to splurge on new black leather jacket

/
Gov. Bill Haslam (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/bkNNrS)
Gov. Bill Haslam (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/bkNNrS)

After seeing his fortune double to make him a new billionaire in the last few months, Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam announced today at a press conference that he was going to make a splurge purchase on a new black leather jacket.

“My fellow Americans, the time is right for me to own a new, sweet-ass black leather jacket,” said Haslam. “Before, I was going to wait and ask for it for my birthday, but my wife Crissy said to me, ‘Billy, treat yourself. You deserve it.'”

Forbes magazine estimated that Haslam’s net worth grew from $980 million in August to around $2 billion, due to his stake in the truck stop chain Pilot Flying J, making him the richest politician in the U.S.A.

“It is true that I already have a leather jacket that I bought from an ad in one of those Sunday paper supplements for $59,” said Haslam. “Sadly, though, I couldn’t tell from the picture in the ad that the leather material is actually made up of many small irregularly sized scraps sewn together.”

“That’s why it was only $59,” said Haslam.

Haslam announced that he plans on going to the Banana Republic store at the Hamilton Place Mall this Saturday evening to purchase a moto-style leather jacket for around $450, before going to the Golden Corral buffet for dinner at 7 p.m. to show off his purchase.

“Crissy and I usually hit the early bird special there, but not this Saturday, because, doggone it, I’m worth it,” said Haslam.
1 9 10 11 12 13 18