Politics - Page 11

Sen. Ted Cruz gets “sick tats” at Standard Ink

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Sen. Ted Cruz (by Gage Skidmore, used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license.)
Sen. Ted Cruz (by Gage Skidmore, used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license.)

After U.S. Sen. and Republican Presidential candidate Ted Cruz gave a speech at GraceWorks Church in Chattanooga yesterday morning, he revealed that the primary reason for his visit was actually to get some “sick tats” at Standard Ink Tattoo Company on Frazier Ave.

Cruz was fulfilling a suggestion he made last year, as reported by The Washington Post, that the words “Growth” and “Opportunity” should be tattooed on every Republican politician.

Apparently inspired by Robert Mitchum’s character in the film The Night of the Hunter, Cruz had the two words tattooed across his knuckles in a 3-D font resembling the one used by Metallica on its Master of Puppets album cover.

“This is some sweet-ass ink,” said Cruz while sitting in the tattoo parlor chair. “If I have enough time today, I’m going to get another tat, of Calvin pissing on a copy of the Affordable Care Act, on my caboose.”

Santorum fills the Chattanoogan Hotel at Republican fundraising event

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Republican symbol
Republican symbol
Santorum filled the Chattanoogan Hotel at the annual Lincoln Day Dinner yesterday evening – an annual fundraising dinner held by the Hamilton County Republican Party.

“Santorum was all over the place,” said attendee Byron Mellwood. “Santorum covered everything you could think of. The outpouring of Santorum caused quite a commotion in that room. You could see it on people’s faces.”

“Word travels quickly about Santorum, and people are going to spread it all around,” said Mellwood. “Santorum will be on everyone’s lips.”

Mayor Berke mistakenly votes for Boone, N.C. in “Best Town” contest, may face impeachment

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Mayor Andy Berke
Mayor Andy Berke
After Mayor Andy Berke reportedly voted by accident for Boone, N.C. – Chattanooga’s competitor – in Outside Magazine’s online “Best Towns” contest, the Chattanooga City Council will decide if he will face impeachment for the mistake.

“I could have sworn I clicked on ‘Chattanooga,'” said Berke. “I wasn’t wearing my glasses, and my finger must have slipped. Next thing I know, I hit the ‘Vote’ button, but it was too late. I am so, so sorry.”

Round 4 of Outside Magazine’s contest pits Chattanooga against Boone in a close match, and voting ends at 11:59 p.m. tonight.

“This is a grave matter that we must take very seriously,” said the City Council in a written statement. “However, Berke said that he cleared his Internet browser cookies and then voted again, this time for Chattanooga, so that may earn him some leniency.”

Tenn. pays $46,000 to ten-year-old for new state logo

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Tennessee state logo
Tennessee state logo
Tennessee has a new state logo, created by a ten-year-old boy named Sparky, who was paid $46,000 for the commissioned work which will be used on future signs and letterheads.

The new logo has earned unanimous praise from Tennessee residents and lawmakers, who have deemed it to be well worth the $46,000 in taxpayer dollars.

“It’s exquisite,” said Chattanooga designer Myron Finchley. “I’ve never seen a logo so strongly iconic, simple yet sophisticated, since the passing of Paul Rand and Walter Landor.”

“I had no doubt Sparky would go far,” said Cindy Maywood, Sparky’s former kindergarten teacher. “He was a natural artist and the best fingerpainter in the class.”

Sparky could not be reached for comment and was reportedly going on a Nerf shopping spree at Toys “R” Us.

New law requires 48-hr. waiting period before having sex with Rep. DesJarlais

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Rep. Scott DesJarlais (R-Tenn.)
Rep. Scott DesJarlais (R-Tenn.)
One day after Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam signed a bill requiring a 48-hour waiting period before a woman can obtain an abortion, state lawmakers passed a piece of legislation that requires women to wait 48 hours before having sex with U.S. Representative Scott DesJarlais.

“We just want to make sure women have really thought this through, before they bump uglies with Scott,” said State House Speaker Beth Harwell. “They need to really think about the consequences, such as the deep, deep shame. Or, a possible unwanted pregnancy.”

Rep. DesJarlais, a physician in Jasper, Tenn., received criticism for having multiple affairs with his patients and has been called a hypocrite for maintaining a staunch pro-life stance although previously urging one of his mistresses to seek an abortion and supporting his ex-wife’s abortions before their 1995 marriage.

Women seeking to have sex with DesJarlais must now first visit a special clinic for in-person counseling with a doctor who will describe what to expect, so that they may make an informed decision about the risks of having sex with DesJarlais.

Physicians are also required to provide a list of public and private agencies to women that are available to assist them with counseling after having intercourse with DesJarlais.

Sen. Corker commemorated on $20 bill

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Senator Bob Corker on the $20 bill
Senator Bob Corker on the $20 bill
Senator Bob Corker, a former mayor of Chattanooga who was recently named one of Time Magazine’s “100 Most Influential People in the World,” was commemorated by having his face put on the $20 bill.

The U.S. Department of the Treasury was able to roll out the transition overnight, even retroactively applying the change to bills that had already been issued.

The depiction of Corker is from his younger days, when he bore a slightly bushier haircut and did not neatly trim his eyebrows.

The sudden redesign of the $20 bill comes at a time when it has been widely proposed to put on the bill the face of a woman who has great importance in American history.

The hip-hop community has quickly embraced the change, with new songs proclaiming “It’s all about the Corkers.”

State legislators propose 9-month waiting period for abortions

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Pregnant woman (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/nL2KaW)
Pregnant woman (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/nL2KaW)
After the Tennessee Senate approved a bill that would require a 48-hour waiting period for women seeking abortions, some legislators proposed extending the length of the waiting period to nine months.

“We just want to make sure women have really, really thought this through before having an abortion,” said State Senator Geoff Fedherr. “Once, on a whim, I bought a pair of red leather pants, which turned out to be a mistake. If I had taken a day or two to really think about it, I could’ve avoided it.”

The 48-hour waiting period measure passed on Wednesday, although proposed amendments did not, including providing exceptions for victims of rape or incest or additionally requiring the woman to carry around an audio player that would play a child’s voice saying “I love you Mommy” on a continuous loop for the 48-hour period.

Pro-choice legislators suggested instead that the audio player should use the sound of an infant crying and screaming.

“Nine months is a totally arbitrary length of time,” said Fedherr. “We just felt like that was a long enough period of time to make a big decision.”

TN House votes Billy Ray Cyrus bio “Hillbilly Heart” as official state book

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Billy Ray Cyrus
Billy Ray Cyrus

The biography of country music superstar Billy Ray Cyrus, “Hillbilly Heart,” was voted by the Tennessee House of Representatives to be the official book of Tennessee.

The GOP-led effort, spearheaded by Representative Jerry Sexton, originally sought to make the Bible the official book of Tennessee but ran into resistance from those who claimed it violated the concept of separation of church and state.

After the bill was amended to change the Bible to “Hillbilly Heart,” it found support among Republicans and Democrats, and if it passes in the state Senate, it would join other state symbols including the official state songs “Tennessee Waltz” and “Rocky Top” and the official state amphibian, the Tennessee cave salamander.

“‘Hillbilly Heart’ tells the story of a hard-working musician that everyone can relate to,” said Sexton. “He has had so many different well-known, beloved hits, from ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ to ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ and superb acting roles in films like ‘Mulholland Drive’ and ‘Sharknado 2: The Second One.'”

State representatives celebrated after the unanimous vote by line-dancing the “Achy Breaky” in the State Capitol building in Nashville.

State Sen. Gardenhire unveils new “Insure the Assholes” plan

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TN State Senator Todd Gardenhire
TN State Senator Todd Gardenhire

After Governor Bill Haslam’s “Insure Tennessee” plan to provide coverage for approximately 280,000 uninsured Tennesseeans was voted down for a second time on Tuesday, State Senator Todd Gardenhire announced that he had drafted a bill called “Insure the Assholes” and is seeking bipartisan support.

Gardenhire received criticism from progressives for voting against “Insure Tennessee” twice, and after voting on Tuesday, when asked by an uninsured constituent if he would give up his publicly financed health insurance, Gardenhire called the man an “asshole.”

“I’m no fan of Obamacare, and I had more than a couple of concerns with ‘Insure Tennessee,'” said Gardenhire. “So, I got to work on a brand new plan to close the coverage gap for all those dickwads, cockfarmers and shitheads who don’t have insurance.”

“I call it ‘Insure the Assholes,'” said Gardenhire. “This shows that I really do care about all of those hundreds of thousands of uninsured goat-fuckers in Tennessee.”

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