Knoxville's Sunsphere. Inset: Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke.

Knoxville imprisons Mayor Berke in Sunsphere after winning “Top Towns” battle

Knoxville's Sunsphere. Inset: Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke.
Knoxville’s Sunsphere. Inset: Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke.

After Knoxville defeated Chattanooga in the online “Top Towns” contest from Blue Ridge Outdoors magazine to determine the best outdoor city in the American South, it further asserted its dominance by imprisoning Mayor Andy Berke in the iconic Sunsphere.

“How d’ya like them apples?” said Knoxville mayor Madeline Rogero, while pointing toward the Sunsphere, which is serving as Mayor Berke’s golden cage. “Gig city, my ass.”

Mayor Rogero called a press conference in order to deliver a video message to Chattanooga, in the wake of the humiliating defeat.

“Quake with fear, citizens of Chattanooga, and bow down to your new leader,” said Rogero. “In the upcoming days, each of you will be fitted for your matching all-orange UTK sweatsuit uniform, then await my orders.”

The Chattanooga Police Department is planning a daring rescue mission for Mayor Berke, who is reportedly given two meals a day of Petro’s chili and chips and forced to listen to “Rocky Top” twenty-four hours a day.

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

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