Politics - Page 12

Police consider sketch artists as low-cost alternative to body cams

Policeman (Modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/ojqWnD) Inset: Sketch of suspect (Modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/dvyYE7)
Policeman (Modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/ojqWnD) Inset: Sketch of suspect (Modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/dvyYE7)
After President Obama called for more police to wear body-mounted cameras earlier today, local cash-strapped police departments are considering the use of mobile sketch artists as a low-cost alternative to body cams, which can each cost up to $2000, not including the price of data storage and maintenance.

The issue of having greater transparency in police interactions has come to the forefront of national discourse, after a tumultuous week in the aftermath of the decision to not indict Ferguson, Mo. police officer Darren Wilson in the shooting of Michael Brown.

Chattanooga Police Chief Fred Fletcher stated that fitting his police force with body cams could cost hundreds of thousands of dollars, so all options must be considered.

“Using mobile sketch artists for the police would be a win-win situation,” said Pat Beneci, a professor of criminology at Shallowford College. “There are so many talented, yet unemployed artists out there who could get jobs, following around police officers and drawing what they see.”

“If the artist is small enough, then there is the possibility of simply riding piggyback,” said Beneci.

“A video image is just 2-dimensional,” said Beneci. “If you had a mobile sculptor, working with a big hunk of clay, in addition to a mobile charcoal sketch artist, then that would add a whole other dimension.”

“Also, a body cam video sometimes may not adequately capture the mood of a tense situation,” said Beneci. “So, if you also added an abstract impressionist painter to the entourage, then that artist could help to provide a more complete picture.”

Beneci acknowledged that body cams have an advantage over the mobile artist solution, because they can record audio.

“Researchers are currently doing field tests with trained parrots,” said Beneci. “The parrots could rest on the shoulders of police officers during an interaction and later repeat back what was said. You just pay them in bird seed.”

Rossville to ban abortion, may also ban miscarriages and “pulling out”

Rossville City Hall
Rossville City Hall

After the city council of Rossville, GA unanimously gave preliminary approval earlier this week to an ordinance that bans abortion, it announced that it is considering expanding the language to ban any obstructions to the reproductive process, such as miscarriages and the “pulling out” method of birth control.

Although law experts have deemed the ordinance unconstitutional, violating the U.S. Supreme Court case ruling “Roe v. Wade” in 1973, Rossville officials anticipate the ordinance passing into law at the next council meeting on December 8.

With the proposed new scope of the ordinance, having a miscarriage–commonly referred to as a “spontaneous abortion” before the 1980s–would be illegal, with women expected to turn themselves in to authorities.

“We thought, ‘Why stop there?'” said councilman Jethro Grobbes. “Once the procreative wheels are in motion, there should be nothing in place to stop them.”

The new language of the ordinance would also ban the act of coitus interruptus, also known as the “withdrawal method” or colloquially as “pulling out,” which is withdrawing the penis during intercourse before ejaculation.

“Remember, in the Book of Genesis, God killed Onan after he ‘spilled his seed on the ground’ while nailing his brother’s widow, refusing to impregnate his sister-in-law,” said Grobbes. “Life is precious, y’all.”

Election wrap-up: Republicans, bingo-playing winos pleased by election results

Voting instructions (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/rMpQF)
Voting instructions (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/rMpQF)

* Republicans, bingo-playing winos pleased by election results

* Gov. Haslam pulls football away at last second as Democratic opponent tries to kick it

* Coat-hanger industry stocks soar upon news of Amendment 1 passing

* Vietnam veterans can now legally recreate the Russian Roulette scene from “The Deer Hunter” for charity under Amendment 4

* Passing of “wine in supermarkets” referendum finally allows consumers to purchase Mad Dog 20/20, ammo, birth control, Miracle Whip, gerbils and video cameras in one place

* Bald, adulterous patient-fucker re-elected

No beheadings in 2014 so far, say Chattanooga Police

Crime scene (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/7hcnvi)
Crime scene (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/7hcnvi)

The Chattanooga Police department issued its quarterly report yesterday, following a violent week with multiple shootings, which presented statistics that reflected some good news, such as the fact that there have been no reports of beheadings in Chattanooga so far this year.

“We are happy to say that there have been no homicidal decapitations in our fair city in 2014,” said Franklin Volmar, a representative for the Chattanooga Police department.

In August and September, the world was shocked by graphic propaganda videos created by the Middle-Eastern terrorist organization ISIL, also known as ISIS, that showed the beheading of journalists James Foley and Steven Sotloff and the British aid worker David Cawthorne Haines.

On Tuesday, a Long Island professor was beheaded by her mentally troubled son, who left her body and severed head on a neighborhood street, leading some neighbors to believe it was a Halloween prank.

“I’m also proud to say that there has been no genocide in Chattanooga this year,” said Volmar. “We are also maintaining our spotless record of having a 0% rate of regicide, which is the murder of a king or a queen. Also, we are pleased that there have been no homicides in Chattanooga using the method of training an eagle to pick up a tortoise and drop it on the victim.”

TN Amendment 1.5 could prevent men from removing bowling balls from rectum for 9-month period

Bowling ball (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/7zBSmp)
Bowling ball (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/7zBSmp)

This election cycle, Tennessee voters will vote on Amendment 1.5 to the state Constitution, which could prevent men from removing bowling balls that have been lodged in their rectums for a 9-month period.

The proposed amendment would read:

“Nothing in this Constitution secures or protects a right for a man to remove a bowling ball from his rectum before a 9-month period has elapsed or requires the funding of such removal. The people retain the right through their elected state representatives and state senators to enact, amend, or repeal statutes regarding bowling-ball-from-rectum removal, including, but not limited to, circumstances resulting from voluntary or involuntary activities, such as severe bouncy bowling mishaps or fraternity hazing rituals.”

Public opinion has varied wildly on Amendment 1.5, sparking fiery debates and significant campaigning on both sides of the issue.

“If a man didn’t want a bowling ball in his rectum, well, he should have kept his legs shut,” said Chattanooga resident Eulas Kampfield. “I’m voting ‘Yes’ on Amendment 1.5.”

“No matter how careful you are when you’re bowling, statistically, some men are going to end up with bowling balls up their rectums,” said resident Jonas Clyftul. “And, you can’t expect bowling abstinence programs to work. It’s just human nature to want to bowl.”

“I am 18 years old and just starting college,” said UTC student Devon Tillsenn. “I am just not ready to have a bowling ball in my rectum for nine months. Maybe some day, but not now. I don’t think the government should have their hands in my rectum.”

Other constituents were confused about Amendment 1.5 and its implications.

“Amendment 1.5? I don’t know. Does this have to do with that woman who was trying to raise $800 to pay for a roadside bomb to be put in her uterus?” said resident Pat Cullems.

EPB admits to overcharging city $1.2 mil for moonlight

Moon (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/oN2i8y)
Moon (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/oN2i8y)

After a recent audit investigating billing discrepancies made by EPB when billing the city of Chattanooga for power service, EPB representatives admitted that it had overcharged the city $1.2 million for moonlight.

Chattanooga officials were disappointed to learn that EPB, which is owned by the city of Chattanooga, had grossly inflated the price of moonlight, which is light from the sun reflected off the moon during the evening hours.

“We trust that EPB will correct their wrongs and charge us a fair price in the future,” said Chattanooga official Robin Neddison. “Despite this, at least we know that Tennessee American Water is giving us a fair market value when they bill us for having them make it rain.”

Chattanooga launches website to track city smells

Chattadata web site
Chattadata web site

Yesterday, the office of Mayor Andy Berke unveiled a new website to track various city performance metrics including crime rate, economic development, literacy and unpleasant smells.

The chronic displeasing odors throughout the city have been challenging problems to tackle, sometimes overshadowing the city’s successes, and Chattanooga’s putrid stenches have received national attention, including the article “The Not-So-Sweet Smell of Success” in Automobile magazine.

At first, the website will have three odor focus areas–the North Shore sewer stench, the Pilgrim’s Pride chicken processing plant and the Moccasin Bend wastewater treatment plant–but may expand to include more areas in the future, and other non-smell-related metrics may also be added, such as the number of knocked-down signs.

East Ridge to offer free Wi-Fi by holding activities at McDonald’s

McDonald's (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/2xi5uZ)
McDonald’s (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/2xi5uZ)

After the city of Chattanooga announced plans last week to provide free Wi-Fi Internet access in city buildings and public areas, the bordering city of East Ridge in Hamilton County also revealed its plan to offer free Wi-Fi service by holding all meetings, city-related business and civic activities inside McDonald’s restaurants.

The giant fast-food restaurant chain McDonald’s offers free Wi-Fi access at most of its locations, like other establishments such as Starbucks Coffee and Panera Bread.

“With the state of the economy as it is today and the lack of gainful employment, we are finding ourselves both eating more at budget fast-food restaurants and working there more,” said East Ridge Mayor Brent Lambert at a press conference. “Therefore, it makes sense to take advantage of the free Wi-Fi already provided at McDonald’s restaurants, for the city of East Ridge to conduct its business.”

Reportedly, Mayor Lambert had a mayor-to-mayor meeting with Mayor McCheese last week in order to confirm that this new arrangement in East Ridge would be acceptable for all involved.

In order to accommodate all citizens who wish to attend the bi-weekly City Council meetings, the meetings will be held at the PlayPlace playground ball pit at the McDonald’s on Ringgold Rd, and weekly City Court sessions will be held at the same location, with Officer Big Mac in attendance to provide security.

Local police dept. receives surplus aircraft carrier from Pentagon

USS Henry Kissinger (CVN-78) aircraft carrier
USS Henry Kissinger (CVN-78) aircraft carrier

Since the early 1990s, the Pentagon has transferred a significant amount of surplus military equipment to state and local police departments as part of its “Department of Defense Excess Property Program,” and at a press conference yesterday afternoon, it was announced that the Chattanooga Police department would receive an aircraft carrier from the program, to aid local law enforcement.

In the last eight years alone, tens of thousands of machine guns have been provided to police across the nation by the Pentagon, in addition to weapons such as grenade launchers, body armor and night-vision equipment and vehicles including aircraft and armored cars.

The acquisition of the surplus aircraft carrier USS Henry Kissinger (CVN-78) was deemed a major victory for the local police force, although it comes at a time when the use of military equipment in law enforcement is facing harsh criticism, after the high-profile protests in Ferguson, Mo.

The aircraft carrier is expected to initially take the place of the dilapidated North Shore barge this fall, after the aircraft carrier aids in its obliteration, and subsequently, it may be used to patrol the Tennessee River along the Chattanooga Riverwalk.

In addition to modern weaponry, the Chattanooga Police department will also receive older equipment, such as catapults, bayonets and howitzers, to aid its crime-fighting efforts to apprehend shoplifters, marijuana dealers and other criminals.

Election wrap-up: Fleischmann begins 2-year-long nap, Zach Wamp takes son to Ben & Jerry’s

Chuck Fleischmann
Chuck Fleischmann
* Victorious 3rd Congressional District Rep. Chuck Fleischmann begins another two-year-long nap

* Zach Wamp takes son to Ben & Jerry’s

* Unopposed 3rd Congressional District Democratic candidate Mary Headrick narrowly wins

* 4th Congressional District race too close to call – Rep. Scott DesJarlais urges opponent state Sen. Jim Tracy’s mother to have 231st trimester abortion

* Of course, domestic partnership ordinance defeated, this is freakin’ Tennessee, what did you think?

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