Burqa-wearing Sheriff Hammond to go undercover at local mosques

After Hamilton County Sheriff Jim Hammond discussed plans to monitor state-wide Muslim activity earlier today at a Hamilton County Pachyderm Club meeting, he vowed to wear a burqa and go undercover himself at local mosques to search for any potential Islamic extremists.

Hammond called Islam “communism with a god” and “the strongest infringement that we’ve had in our country…since communism,” and he said, “Even if only 5 percent…want to perform jihad, that’s a lot of people.”

“If I must infiltrate every mosque and possible sleeper cell in the area myself, I will do it,” said Hammond. “I will learn Arabic and study the Qur’an and develop a taste for falafel, so I will become one of them.”

“I will speak with a high-pitched voice like a woman and wear a burqa all day,” said Hammond. “As a mole, I am prepared to enter an arranged marriage as an ISIS bride in order to get to the heart of the operation, if I must.

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

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