“Nobody wearing a vintage t-shirt or neon plastic sunglasses or carrying a book by Jacques Lacan or Chuck Palahniuk is welcome here,” said a spokesperson for Grounds For Divorce.
“Hey, all you guys wearing skinny jeans: you look like fucking idiots,” said the spokesperson. “Go drink a PBR somewhere else.”
“Who would want to enjoy a delicious cup of coffee while surrounded by a bunch of trendy fuckers, anyway?” said the spokesperson, whose words echoed through the empty coffee shop.
“After the upgrades, you will experience a state-of-the-art projection system to watch mindless drivel like ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2,'” said representative Bobby Lemirre. “Every drop of sweat on Paul Blart’s corpulent body will be crystal clear.”
“You will lose yourself in luxury, when you sit back in one of our ultra-comfy reclining seats, and you might even forget that you’re viewing one of those unwatchable CGI-shitstorms that are the ‘Transformers’ movies,” said Lemirre.
“Enjoy the new gourmet food and drink options,” said Lemirre. “And try to keep it all down when watching an ipecac substitute like a new M. Night Shyamalan movie.”
“Since the end of the ‘Last Golden Age’ in the ’70s, Hollywood has become devoted to appealing to the lowest common denominator,” said Lemirre. “It offers an endless parade of sequels, franchises and remakes, favoring stars, T&A and gratuitous violence over true creativity, but audiences will come out in droves anyway. So why not enjoy a glass of Chardonnay while you watch?”
Just hours after sandwich maker Subway announced it was severing ties with longtime company figure Jared Fogle, local what you need to know today expert Harrison Keely announced he has thrown his name in the hat as the new fast food chain spokesmen.
“I eat subway once or twice a week and have probably lost a few pounds during those times,” exclaimed Keely. “I’m sure I’ve got a pair of oversized blue jean shorts I can travel around and hold up if need be.”
After the success of last Saturdays “Slide the City” event, a representative for Chattanooga Public Works announced plans to keep the attraction in place for downtown sewer management and transportation.
“We believe this is a great fun way for Chattanoogans to experience the thrills of what their waste feels like flowing down Broad Street while getting their slide on”, said Public Works official Carl Bowman.
While some downtown business owners and workers are repulsed by the sight of shit flowing down a 1000ft slip n slide in 
Chattanooga, many agree the liquid probably isn’t much cleaner than what was used on Saturday.
“Few other publications are brave enough to put photos of these weed-smoking teenagers alongside mugshots of wife-beaters, rapists and armed robbers,” said the statement from the Pulitzer committee.
Just Busted was also commended for its in-depth coverage of the public menace of people driving on recently expired licenses.
“We strive to be the number one source of news in Chattanooga about misfortune in the restaurant industry,” said spokesperson Nic Ingebrigt.
“It is the American dream to open a homegrown business, fueled by sweat, life savings and the entrepreneurial spirit,” said Ingebrigt. “Although it is a myth that 90% of restaurants close within the first year, like most other types of businesses, around 60% of new ones will close within three years.”
“There is a certain glamour to it all, with hopes of possibly becoming a rock-star chef heralded by foodie bloggers, international epicureans and tastemakers,” said Ingebrigt. “But in reality, running a restaurant is extremely difficult and mostly a pain in the ass, having to deal with high levels of stress, economic uncertainty, employees who might flake out on you, fickle fad-following eaters, surprise health inspections and even the occasional argumentative, drunk customer.”
“Our new website Resting Place will be a public record of unfulfilled champagne wishes and caviar nightmares, where dreams die like a collapsed soufflé,” said Ingebrigt.
After seeing his fortune double to make him a new billionaire in the last few months, Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam announced today at a press conference that he was going to make a splurge purchase on a new black leather jacket.
“My fellow Americans, the time is right for me to own a new, sweet-ass black leather jacket,” said Haslam. “Before, I was going to wait and ask for it for my birthday, but my wife Crissy said to me, ‘Billy, treat yourself. You deserve it.'”
Forbes magazine estimated that Haslam’s net worth grew from $980 million in August to around $2 billion, due to his stake in the truck stop chain Pilot Flying J, making him the richest politician in the U.S.A.
“It is true that I already have a leather jacket that I bought from an ad in one of those Sunday paper supplements for $59,” said Haslam. “Sadly, though, I couldn’t tell from the picture in the ad that the leather material is actually made up of many small irregularly sized scraps sewn together.”
“That’s why it was only $59,” said Haslam.
Haslam announced that he plans on going to the Banana Republic store at the Hamilton Place Mall this Saturday evening to purchase a moto-style leather jacket for around $450, before going to the Golden Corral buffet for dinner at 7 p.m. to show off his purchase.
Citing the area’s Gigabit per second internet speed, President Obama named Chattanooga one of the best places to check email in the country. Obama name dropped the city during speeches and YouTube videos posted during the last few days.
“The folks in Chattanooga, Tennesse know what’s up with their blazing fast Internet speeds, in which to check my email,” explained President Obama. “I was able to obtain my daily email briefings from congress and the days Cost Plus/World Market coupons within milliseconds during my visit last year.”
With temperatures in the Chattanooga area dropping below 20 degrees this week, local utilities have asked customers to curb power usage through a variety of methods, including cuddling with family, friends, co-workers and strangers whenever possible to conserve heat.
The “Arctic Blast” will result in a high demand for power on Thursday, and utilities have recommended that customers turn down their thermostats in residences and businesses and snuggle with all willing people and animals in the vicinity to stay warm.
“Whether it’s with your co-workers in a meeting, or with strangers in line at the post office, cuddling is an effective way to beat the freezing temperatures and stay cozy,” said EPB spokesperson Jo Herbstzeit.
Herbstzeit stressed that all cuddling should be completely consensual, and she mentioned that customers can pick up “Free Hugs” signs at the downtown EPB office today, at no cost.
“Cuddling can be a great team-building exercise at work,” said Herbstzeit. “And it’s a great way to make new friends. How wonderful would it be to go to your local department of motor vehicles and see what looks like a scene from the movie Caligula but with an all-Eskimo cast?”
Following the success of the new Escape Experience Chattanooga attraction, where a group of two to six people is challenged to find clues and solve puzzles in order to escape a room within 60 minutes, it has been announced that an “Escape from Dalton Experience” will come soon to Chattanooga.
The census bureau recently ranked Dalton, Georgia, as the least educated city in the South and the second least educated city in the entire nation.
“This is like no other ‘Escape Experience’ in the world,” said Escape from Dalton Experience spokesperson Tessie Wyliecorn. “Here’s the scenario: you and your team members are teenagers in Dalton and have to figure out how to get a quality education and land an out-of-town job so you can get the hell out, before you are doomed to work in a carpet factory and live in a trailer park in a loveless marriage with your meth-addicted spouse, in a town where everything closes at 5 PM so there’s nothing to do but drink and shoot holes in highway signs.”
“Some can’t even manage to get that soul-crushing carpet factory job, because of the lack of jobs,” said Wyliecorn.
It was reported that Dalton’s unemployment rate fell recently, but unfortunately it was because the workforce shrank rather than jobs being created.
“We’ve come up with some terrifying escape scenarios before, like being trapped in a flooded prison with homicidal maniacs during a zombie apocalypse, or having to escape Guantanamo Bay which has been taken over by blood-thirsty aliens, or fleeing an excruciating sing-along screening of Frozen surrounded by two hundred sugar-crazed little girls while dressed as Elsa,” said Wyliecorn. “But none is as terrifying as our new ‘Escape from Dalton Experience.'”
