screenshot of restaurant closure articles spin-off site dedicated to restaurant closures

/ screenshot of restaurant closure articles screenshot of restaurant closure articles
At a press conference yesterday afternoon, the Chattanooga local news website announced that it would launch a spin-off site solely dedicated to articles about restaurant closures, called “Resting Place.”

“We strive to be the number one source of news in Chattanooga about misfortune in the restaurant industry,” said spokesperson Nic Ingebrigt.

“It is the American dream to open a homegrown business, fueled by sweat, life savings and the entrepreneurial spirit,” said Ingebrigt. “Although it is a myth that 90% of restaurants close within the first year, like most other types of businesses, around 60% of new ones will close within three years.”

“There is a certain glamour to it all, with hopes of possibly becoming a rock-star chef heralded by foodie bloggers, international epicureans and tastemakers,” said Ingebrigt. “But in reality, running a restaurant is extremely difficult and mostly a pain in the ass, having to deal with high levels of stress, economic uncertainty, employees who might flake out on you, fickle fad-following eaters, surprise health inspections and even the occasional argumentative, drunk customer.”

“Our new website Resting Place will be a public record of unfulfilled champagne wishes and caviar nightmares, where dreams die like a collapsed soufflĂ©,” said Ingebrigt.

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

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