Business - Page 7

Chattanooga named “Best Place to start a startup starting business”

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In a recent poll of millennial entrepreneur industry disrupters with super-nice MacBooks, Chattanooga was named one of the top places in the country to start a startup starting company. Chattanooga beat out many other cities throughout the country, where the number of rundown buildings with 20 foot ceilings and exposed brick walls could not be emulated.

“Anyone with the willpower, mindset, and access to millions of dollars can create their own successful startup starting startup,” said local startup owner Gary Vanderchunk.

Companies like hashtagnoogastrongerstatups credit Chattanooga’s super high speed internet and top of the line access to goldfish covered bean bag chairs as reasons the city ranks above the rest.

“With access to the fastest internet in the world, our Tweets and Facebook posts about helping startups get started are published in just seconds,” explained hashtagnoogastrongerstartups CEO Tyler Thadius. “This is how you become a cutting edge startup starting disrupter.”

High Point Climbing and Fitness announce Trump Tower climbing wall

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After a crazed Donald J Trump supporter scaled Trump Tower in New York using only suction cups, a representative from High Point Climbing facility announced plans to bring the popular attraction to the area.

Experts believe the new attraction will draw many visitors like tower climber Stephen Rogata, especially with the Mellow Mushroom next door.

Plans call for the wall to be constructed by a local developer, who will make High Point will pay for it.

“We plan to market the attraction with a series of bonehead tweets and the promise of being told “you’re fired” when reaching the top”, explained High Point spokesman Climby McClimberson.

Chattanooga Whiskey just one loyalty card punch away from free building

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After announcing plans to possibly/maybe expand operations into a former car dealership, a representative from the local liquor company Chattanooga Whiskey surprised onlookers by revealing a “plan 4 expansions get 1 free” Chattanooga commercial real estate punch card.

Over the last several years, Chattanooga Whiskey publicized plans to expand into at least three separate buildings, but was deterred after issues with building structures, local codes, and the threat of actually making whiskey.

Luckily, the company was able to obtain and cash in on a Chattanooga commercial real estate loyalty member punch card promotion of winning a fifth building free after threatening or actually moving into four other ones.

“Our main goal is to bring Whiskey to the people,” explained Chattanooga Whiskey spokesmen Tim Pheasant. “Our second goal is to exploit a loophole where a punch doesn’t require the company to ever really move into an overhyped building. Old history museum, here we bluff.”

Bella Vita lights appear for local bar’s two-year anniversary

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During preparations for the Chattanooga bar and restaurant, The Bitter Alibi’s two-year anniversary celebration, employees were shocked to discover a massive search light had appeared on the third floor of the establishment. After further examination, the spot lights were uncovered to be from the troubled Southside nightclub Bella Vita, whose giant florescent display has not been seen for sometime.

Experts believe the lights were removed from Bella Vita due to multiple complaints of being a nuisance to nearby neighbors. Others believe the lights were taken by bookies demanding past payments for sports bets.

“We heard some sort of ruckus on the third floor,” exclaimed Bitter Alibi owner Mathis Bowers. “We were shocked to find a ginormous spot light, which reeked of Coors Lite and Axe body spray.”

Sources believe the lights should be a sign for the bar to open a fourth floor night spot called the “More Ultra Lounge,” where patrons won’t have to worry about drive by shootings due to the massive number of broken down vehicles in front of the building.

Walmart offers wine to dull pain of shopping at Walmart

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The department store and supermarket chain Walmart began offering wine in its Tennessee stores today in order to let customers dull the pain of having to shop at Walmart.

“This is great news,” said local shopper Blake Wolfhund. “Whenever I shop at Walmart on a Saturday afternoon, after a few minutes of enduring screaming, out-of-control children or fashion atrocities from people who just don’t give a shit about looking presentable, I think to myself, ‘Jesus Christ, I could really use a drink.'”

In conjunction with the wine-sale roll-out, Walmart has offered ideas for unique food pairings involving snack food favorites.

“Some fancy-pants wine shop might have some snooty wine and cheese tasting,” said store manager Dale Misuca. “Instead, we suggest that you try ‘Wine and Cheetos’ or ‘Wine and Cheez-Its’ for a culinary experience on a budget.”

Wine (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/5hzBMg)
Wine (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/5hzBMg)

Local developers call for new “Gentrification District”

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After the establishment of an “Innovation District” in downtown Chattanooga last year and news about the re-design of Miller Park, local developers have urged the city to go even further and designate a “Gentrification District.”

“We love Chattanooga and its natural beauty, its diverse culture and opportunities, but it’s just too doggone affordable,” said local developer Kit Hannincuff. “We must do something about it. A Gentrification District would be a start.”

“I mean, there are still some bars where you can get a craft beer for only $4,” said Hannincuff. “What’s that about? It should cost at least the minimum wage.”

According to the Times Free Press, 2,000 rental units located downtown are currently under construction, and between 2007 and 2012, rent in Chattanooga increased 26 percent, putting it in seventh place in the entire nation for fastest-rising median rent, just behind San Francisco.

“Here’s my vision for the Gentrification District,” said Hannincuff. “First, you find an area of town with cheap property, and you convince young artists and bohemians to live there, to boost the neighborhood’s cultural cachet.”

“Soon, every young professional will want to live near these free-spirited libertines, beardos and manic pixies,” said Hannincuff. “Once you have a few brewpubs, high-end coffee shops and restaurants that have menus with ‘small plates’ sections, then you start jacking up the rent. Big time.”

Opponents of the Gentrification District have been vocal.

“Why limit gentrification to a single district, when you can have it everywhere, in Orchard Knob and Highland Park and East Chattanooga?” said one opponent.

Local gangs agree to truce over bathroom bread thawing

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After weeks of relentless violence, representatives from Chattanooga area gangs have agreed to a cease fire. Members say the shocking revelation of a local restaurant thawing out their sandwich bread in bathrooms have rendered members in a disgusted state where the willpower to continue drive-by shootings and stabbings has stopped.

“Shooting up a house over claiming public property to be yours must be done on a full stomach,” explained local gang member Jeffrey Stephens. “Just the thought of enjoying a tasty sandwich that has been exposed to poo-particles, leaves me without an appetite to continue my childish and moronic profession.”

Harrison Keely returns from Vegas, purchases Times Free Press

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After striking big in a hand of Go Fish during a Las Vegas casino game, former Chattanooga resident and Times Free Press reporter announced his return to the publication with the intention to buy it.

Keely left the Times Free Press back in January for a career as a Vegas show dancer, but received numerous complaints due to his insistence on wearing loose fitting suits.

“My first goal is to turn the entire paper into a 3 to 4 minute web only video everyday, explained Keely. “Next comes the purchase of Nooga.com and making Sean Phipps my pool hunk.”

Downtown IMAX debuts $1.2 million LaserDisc player

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After a series of setbacks and being unable to find the proper composite cables and adapters, the Tennessee Aquarium finally unveiled its $1.2 million LaserDisc player to a group of confused onlookers. The change comes after a much needed upgrade to existing IMAX facilities and a recent yard sale LaserDisc lot score from a local yard sale.

Officials hope the cutting edge technology, which was originally from the 1980s and early 90s, will be a hit and draw a croud to the downtown IMAX location.

Some future titles for the new LaserDisc projection include: Vanilla Ice presents Penguins, Safarin’ with Kato Kaelin, and Hubble: Pixelated

“We plan to keep the old IMAX technology around to play short videos to audiences while we switch or flip discs every 30 minutes or so,” explained IMAX spokesmen Larry Sanderman.

“I could have sold them one from my parents attic for 5 bucks,” said onlooker Jerry Heed.

Harrison Keely leaving Chattanooga to become Las Vegas Showgirl

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It’s a sad day for Chattanooga and quite possibly the country as Times Free Press internet spokesmen Harrison Keely has announced he is leaving the publication and city to become a Las Vegas morning Showgirl that you need to know for today.

Keely, who became synonymous of being the first damn thing you see when logging onto Facebook in the morning and believing Las Vegas is a west coast city, made headlines in recent years by being voted the sexiest Chattanoogan on the internet, sole TFP survivor after a massive house clearing, a victim of leaked topless photos, and a failed attempt as a new Subway spokesmen. Other things have happened as well (do a search).

As a new Las Vegas showgirl, Keely plans to incorporate his charming voice, personality, and soul patch into his act. The former Lee College graduate with a major in fancy singing/dancing, has always believed the life for him was on the Vegas strip.

“Ever since my Lee roommates and I downed about 2 to 3 Mountain Dews, stayed up past 8:30, and caught a showing of “Showgirls” on TNT, I knew Showgirl life was the life for me.” explained Keely.

A replacement for the Times Free Press morning anchor has not been announced at this time. Possible candidates include Basil Marceaux dot com and Stratton Tingle’s dreadlocks. 

On behalf of the Chattanooga Bystander, we wish Harrison Keely good luck and thanks for taking all our shit.

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