Escape from Dalton Experience

“Escape from Dalton Experience” coming soon

Escape from Dalton Experience
Escape from Dalton Experience

Following the success of the new Escape Experience Chattanooga attraction, where a group of two to six people is challenged to find clues and solve puzzles in order to escape a room within 60 minutes, it has been announced that an “Escape from Dalton Experience” will come soon to Chattanooga.

The census bureau recently ranked Dalton, Georgia, as the least educated city in the South and the second least educated city in the entire nation.

“This is like no other ‘Escape Experience’ in the world,” said Escape from Dalton Experience spokesperson Tessie Wyliecorn. “Here’s the scenario: you and your team members are teenagers in Dalton and have to figure out how to get a quality education and land an out-of-town job so you can get the hell out, before you are doomed to work in a carpet factory and live in a trailer park in a loveless marriage with your meth-addicted spouse, in a town where everything closes at 5 PM so there’s nothing to do but drink and shoot holes in highway signs.”

“Some can’t even manage to get that soul-crushing carpet factory job, because of the lack of jobs,” said Wyliecorn.

It was reported that Dalton’s unemployment rate fell recently, but unfortunately it was because the workforce shrank rather than jobs being created.

“We’ve come up with some terrifying escape scenarios before, like being trapped in a flooded prison with homicidal maniacs during a zombie apocalypse, or having to escape Guantanamo Bay which has been taken over by blood-thirsty aliens, or fleeing an excruciating sing-along screening of Frozen surrounded by two hundred sugar-crazed little girls while dressed as Elsa,” said Wyliecorn. “But none is as terrifying as our new ‘Escape from Dalton Experience.'”

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

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