Business - Page 10

Eager shoppers camp out for next year’s Black Friday

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Line of Black Friday shoppers (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/48SmgG)
Line of Black Friday shoppers (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/48SmgG)

Dispatches today from the Hamilton Place Mall, Best Buy and various local retailers have revealed that dozens of dedicated shoppers have begun camping out to reserve prime spots in lines in advance of next year’s Black Friday sales.

Although this year’s Black Friday has yet to happen, certain eager shoppers are already preparing for Black Friday in 2015 by pledging to devote a year of their lives to keep a spot in line.

“We actually have two separate lines of campers in front of our store right now,” said local Target store manager Keith Cardew. “One line is just for 2014 Black Friday shoppers, while the other line is for 2015 Black Friday shoppers.”

“I realize that camping out here for the next 367 days will make me miss the first day of Kindergarten for my daughter Jillian and the wedding of my best friend from high school,” said local resident Carla Sheaffe. “But, I know it’ll be worth it, so I can save $50 on a toaster oven.”

Times Free Press spends $2 mil on bigger fonts

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TFP's new, big fonts (Gavel photo modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/nx85fR)
TFP’s new, big fonts (Gavel photo modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/nx85fR)

The local broadsheet newspaper Chattanooga Times Free Press announced at a press conference yesterday afternoon that it has invested $2 mil to purchase new, bigger fonts.

“With our previous font sizes, we were unable to properly express how sensational our news articles were,” said Times Free Press managing editor Jordan Krampton. “Now, people are going to literally shit themselves when they see those big, bold headlines every morning, just leaping off the page.”

“I just wish we had these font sizes last week when we published the article ‘East TN sex offender charged in rape of dog,'” said Krampton. “This is just one of the hard-news stories of universal relevance and great importance that deserve a ginormous font size.”

Among the first articles that utilize the newspaper’s new huge fonts will be “RAPEFUL WEEK OF RAPEY RAPE,” “MURDER, BLOOD, GUTS, DEAR GOD MAKE IT STOP,” and “PROSTITUTES! PROSTITUTES! PROSTITUTES!”

“We have a saying in journalism: ‘If it bleeds, it leads,'” said Krampton.

Potato-sharing service “Tuber” launches in Chattanooga

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Tuber potato-sharing smartphone app
Tuber potato-sharing smartphone app

The rapidly growing potato-sharing service “Tuber,” founded in San Francisco and currently available in dozens of cities around the world, launched today in Chattanooga, promising residents on-demand potato delivery through the use of a special smartphone app.

“We already have gigabit Internet service, so it was just a matter of time before we caught up with the world regarding on-demand potato sharing,” said local resident Jan Kermann. “I love the idea of being able to have a hot, buttery baked potato delivered to me at any time of the day, for a reasonable price, just by using my smartphone.”

One controversial aspect of Tuber’s business model is “Spud Surge” pricing, which can dramatically increase the price of potato delivery during rare times of high demand.

“Tuber will offer lightning fast service and quality potato sharing from local folks just like you,” said Tuber spokesperson Toby DiMuzio at a press conference Thursday afternoon. “This is one game of hot potato you’ll want to play.”

Warehouse Row opening earlier to accommodate influx of elderly hipster mall walkers

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Due to the opening of popular hipster clothing stores Anthropology and J Crew, officials from Warehouse Row announced the mall will begin opening at 5 am to accommodate the influx of elderly mall walkers, who will no doubt be of the hipster persuasion.

hipsterwarehouserow“While we welcome our new early risers,” said Warehouse Row spokesmen Shirley Thompson, “no plans are in place to open a Hardees or Golden Corral.”

Officials believe new kiosks of gluten free Branch’s candy will attract new elderly hipster mall walkers, who will hang around and reminisce about Bob Hope, before he was popular.

EPB admits to overcharging city $1.2 mil for moonlight

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Moon (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/oN2i8y)
Moon (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/oN2i8y)

After a recent audit investigating billing discrepancies made by EPB when billing the city of Chattanooga for power service, EPB representatives admitted that it had overcharged the city $1.2 million for moonlight.

Chattanooga officials were disappointed to learn that EPB, which is owned by the city of Chattanooga, had grossly inflated the price of moonlight, which is light from the sun reflected off the moon during the evening hours.

“We trust that EPB will correct their wrongs and charge us a fair price in the future,” said Chattanooga official Robin Neddison. “Despite this, at least we know that Tennessee American Water is giving us a fair market value when they bill us for having them make it rain.”

New music venue, airport, street preacher, howler monkey farm coming to Southside

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Howler monkeys (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/RhrKz)
Howler monkeys (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/RhrKz)

After Southside residents voiced complaints about noise levels from nearby music venues and establishments, some were surprised to learn that a new, proposed Chattanooga noise ordinance would not only raise acceptable decibel levels but also extend the permitted hours later into the evening.

The ordinance draft comes on the heels of the announcement of a new 500-person music venue as part of an entertainment complex on the Chattanooga Choo-Choo campus.

Coincidentally, it was also announced to the dismay of noise-averse Southside residents that several more Main Street additions were forthcoming, including an airport, a shooting range, a vuvuzela academy and a howler monkey farm.

Furthermore, the street preacher Angela Cummings, who infamously delivered disruptive outdoor fire-and-brimstone sermons last year on the campus of the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga, announced that she would be moving her pulpit to a street corner on the Southside.

These additions would be a part of the new “Noise District” that would encompass the area between 4th Street and Main Street, and the district is expected to boost the local revenue of earplug and sleeping pill vendors by $19 million annually.

Sen. Corker and wife have victory sex after VW announcement

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Sen. Bob Corker and wife Elizabeth
Sen. Bob Corker and wife Elizabeth

After Volkswagen announced yesterday that it would manufacture its new SUV, the CrossBlue, in Chattanooga, Senator Bob Corker and his wife Elizabeth celebrated by having victory sex.

“It’s time, baby,” mouthed Corker to his wife standing offstage, shortly after Volkswagen’s news conference in Wolfsburg, Germany, where Mayor Andy Berke, Hamilton County Mayor Jim Coppinger and Governor Bill Haslam were also in attendance.

Six months ago, while Volkswagen workers in Chattanooga were deciding whether or not to have union representation from the United Auto Workers, Corker stated that he was “…assured that should the workers vote against the UAW, Volkswagen will announce in the coming weeks that it will manufacture its new mid-size SUV here in Chattanooga.”

Volkswagen disputed the claim, and Corker received criticism for possibly swaying workers unfairly to vote against the UAW – criticism which mounted when no such announcement from Volkswagen emerged in the following weeks.

Feeling vindicated, Corker and his wife had vigorous, triumphant coitus last evening, according to reports.

Political analysts stated that this was one of the more notable examples of celebratory politician intercourse in the new millennium, alongside George W. and Laura Bush’s post-Iraq-invasion hardcore banging and Barack and Michelle Obama’s six-hour fuckfest after the Affordable Care Act was signed into law.

Chattanooga Whiskey founder’s mustache resigns

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Chattanooga Whiskey founder's mustache
Chattanooga Whiskey founder’s mustache

The mustache of Joe Ledbetter – best known as the founding mustache of Chattanooga Whiskey – has officially announced its resignation from the Chattanooga Whiskey Company and Tennessee Stillhouse.

In June, the mustache performed field tests of Chattanooga Whiskey and came to the conclusion that “It works!” after being arrested for public intoxication and disorderly conduct, but the mustache said that its resignation was not because of the arrest.

Chattanooga’s most famous mustache said in a prepared statement that it was “time to move on” with new projects including writing a book and helping to organize the Tennessee Whiskey Festival, acknowledging past mistakes and remembering successes, such as helping to change state legislation that had previously banned whiskey distilleries within Chattanooga city limits.

City approves changing bakery’s doughnut mural to dildo mural

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Doughnut mural at Broad St. and West 20th St.
Doughnut mural at Broad St. and West 20th St.

After Chattanooga city inspectors told Koch’s Bakery on Broad Street that the nearby flying-doughnut mural the bakery commissioned was an illegal form of advertising, citing Chattanooga’s sign ordinance, the inspectors were placated by the bakery’s new plans to change the mural to become a landscape of dildos.

“Koch’s isn’t selling dildos, so the new mural design is perfectly fine since it wouldn’t be considered advertising,” said city inspector Marc Bolibar.

A watercolor mock-up sketch of the new dildo mural revealed a colorful landscape of various dildos of different sizes – medium, large and alien-sized – and varieties, such as the Hobbit-themed “Dildo Baggins” and the “Head of State” Barack Obama dildo.

City inspectors also approved a proposed mural design commissioned by Miranda’s Adult Bookstore, which is located across the street from Koch’s Bakery, which will feature giant flying doughnuts.

Twenty-seven new Mexican restaurants to open in downtown area

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Tacos (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/aBfoBr)
Tacos (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/aBfoBr)

After the recent opening of three new Mexican restaurants in the vicinity of Miller Plaza – El Macho Taco, Mexiville and the second location of Taqueria Jalisco – it was announced that 27 more Mexican restaurants would open in downtown Chattanooga in the next month.

“This news is a boon for fans of Mexican cuisine like myself,” said resident Cara Helfgott. “Previously, we had to depend on only several dozen Mexican restaurants in the area, like La Altena, Cancun, Ovalle’s, Mojo Burrito in St. Elmo or the various taquerias on Main Street. Or north of the river, Taco Mamacita, Poblano’s, Taconooga, Las Margaritas, El Meson, plus assorted franchises.”

Reportedly, every owner of each of the 27 new Mexican restaurants was completely oblivious to the knowledge that the other restaurants were opening in the same proximity at the same time.

Among the 27 new restaurants to be opening soon are Haught Tamale, Let’s Taco ‘Bout Love, Monsters of Guac, Omnipotent Taco, Sporty Taco, Baby Taco, Posh Taco, Erudite Taco, Pink Taco, Cinco de Cuatro, Burritos As Big As Your Ass, Picnic at Hanging Guac, Persona Non Enchilada, Ceviche Guevara, Juan of Us Gooble Gobble, Rend Your Heart And Nacho Garments (Joel 2:13), Chimichanga’s Revenge, Ye Olde Taqueria, Everything’s a Taco!, Medulla Enchilada and Getting Jalapeno Grill.

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