Business - Page 11

On Monday at Miller Plaza, Senator Bob Corker and experts from Google told local small businesses that did not have websites to ask their kids to help set them up.

“In Tennessee, 59 percent of all small businesses don’t yet have a website,” said Corker. “For heaven’s sake, just ask your kids how to do it. This isn’t rocket science, people.”

“If you don’t have kids, then ask your nieces and nephews, or your neighbor’s kids,” said Corker. “Working with computers is just second nature to kids today, and I bet they’d do it for a package of Oreos and a 2-liter of Mountain Dew.”

“Theoretically, anyone who has basic computer skills and can read and follow simple directions can make a daggum website,” said Corker. “But if that’s still too difficult, then just make your kids do it for you.”

When asked where a person could find directions on creating a website, Corker rolled his eyes and said, “Let me Google that for you.”

Earlier today, a spokesman for the Chattanooga 2014 Code for America project announced their first big accomplishment for the year.

The announcement comes just mere weeks after the initial meet up with local coders and government officials alike.

“We believe city government transparency reaches far beyond current high level office holders,” explained Chattanooga Code for America spokesman Douglas Toddman aka rogueneo69. “That is why I am proud to announce we have successfully hacked former Chattanooga Mayor Ron Littlefield’s AOL password.”

Mayor Berke tapped the Code for America group in 2013 to help Chattanooga in reaching three of his top goals for the area – safer streets, civic engagement, and uncover greasy shit on the Internet.

“I believe Chattanooga citizens have the right to know what Nigerian Prince money transfers and penis enlargement pills that past and present city Mayors partake in,” said current Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke.

“We’re excited about the new projects Mayor Berke has brought to the table,” said Toddman.” All I can say is any councilman with a Christian Mingle account, you best watch your ass.”

From today until this Friday, employees of the Volkswagen (VW) auto manufacturing plant in Chattanooga may vote either for or against union representation through the United Auto Workers (UAW), and both pro-union and anti-union campaigns have swiftly ramped up their efforts to sway voters.

UAW representatives and advocates have extolled the benefits of having better worker representation at VW and leverage to increase wages, while opponents have stated that VW wages are already competitive and the presence of the UAW may discourage further economic development in the area.

Within the last week, both sides have engaged in an escalated “bidding war” of sorts, offering VW voters the promise of increasingly extravagant benefits, including free sno-cones during lunch breaks, “Pantless Casual Fridays,” insurance benefits for pets, and having Kid Rock leave a personalized message on each worker’s home answering machine.

Finally, both campaigns pulled out their aces by offering VW employees one free monthly handjob.

“Sure, the UAW says they’ll give you a handjob, but will they also, simultaneously, cup your balls with the free hand?” said union opponent Justin McCarmeck. “I guarantee you, your balls will be cupped, if you vote against the union.”

“It would be un-American to offer a handjob without ball-cupping,” said UAW representative Ren Schmertt. “Vote in favor of the UAW, and your handjob will have ball-cupping plus a gentle breath of warm air onto your scrotum.”