Chattanooga’s best and brightest entrepreneurs will face off tomorrow at the “Will This Turd Float?” event, a contest which will award the most promising and innovative poop-related business ideas.
Presented by the local startup incubator CO.LON, Will This Turd Float? spotlights the most forward-thinking fecal pioneers in the city, serving as a sort of laxative to swiftly force out ideas to fruition, like a serving of bad salmon causing some ass-spraying mayhem.
“Everybody poops,” sang CO.LON representative Mason Halloweski, to the tune of R.E.M.’s song “Everybody Hurts,” at a press conference earlier today. “Some…times.”
“You can’t avoid it,” said Halloweski. “Pooping is just a fact of life, so why not try to improve the experience?”
Here are the business proposals that will be presented tomorrow, with each team having three minutes to make a pitch to the panel of judges, comprised of local business leaders and proctologists.
* Poober: need to pinch a loaf, but there’s no public restroom in sight? Don’t fret – the mobile app Poober allows you to summon a portable toilet – a Port-O-John on a pickup truck – to your specific location, for a reasonable price.
* Papa’s Got a Brand New Colostomy Bag: this online store makes the selection and purchase of customized colostomy bags, available in a wide variety of festive colors and designs, as easy as clicking a button.
* Get Off The Pot: this mobile phone app lets you reserve a time slot in restrooms in Chattanooga’s most popular restaurants, assuring that you’ll get your turn when you need to drop a serious deuce. Air quality sensors located in the bathrooms provide warnings through the app, in case someone just unloaded a pungent, monster dump.
* PoopShoot: it’s common practice to take photographs of your meals, so why not take it to the next level? The PoopShoot app, which is compatible with all major social media sites, is the easiest way to share with friends and family photos of your meals in their final states. To borrow the slogan of the Chattanooga Bystander, “Too much information is not enough.”
* Wyped Out: it’s one of the most frustrating things for blind and vision-impaired people – when do you know when you are done wiping? The Wyped Out system uses sophisticated hi-res cameras and sensor technology to alert you when your ass is sufficiently clean. No more pesky dingleberries!
* InstaCrap: there’s nothing quite as satisfying as a good dump. In this day and age, with coddled youths winning trophies for just showing up, why not commemorate a gratifying load by creating a souvenir? InstaCrap uses the latest scanning and 3D printing technology to create a plastic half-scale replica of your butt dumplings in less than 15 minutes.
After Starbucks received a wave of backlash over releasing a solid red cup with only their logo for the holiday season, local coffee company Velo announced they will start serving coffee in a mug that features the baby Jesus and the words “Merry Christmas”.
Velo deliveries to local markets will also be switched to a season appropiate donkey instead of the normal bicycle.
Other business plans include to offer a collection of themed roasts, such as the blood of the lamb brew, and a collection of bearded-man manger scene mugs for the whole family.
After a Black Lives Matter movement banner was seen on the Walnut Street Bridge this weekend, a representative from River City Company accounted plans to purchase the bridge with sign and develop a mass of 7 story condos and hip restaurants that serve free-ranged hand cut ice.
“We have seen the concerns of local citizens and will take them to heart,” said River City Company spokesman Dewayne Jefferson. “These plans include repurposing the movement sign as some sort of fencing fastened to untreated wood for the patio of a bridge restaurant with locally sourced hookah glassware and kale.”
Future plans for the company include purchasing Chattanooga Community Kitchen and converting it into a hip brunch spot that requires a Netflix login to enter.
Supermarket chain Food City tested a new grocery delivery service that utilizes hot air balloons earlier today in the Chattanooga region, where it had recently acquired and converted 29 Bi-Lo supermarkets.
This revolutionary new service takes Food City to another level, after it had previously offered its GoCart Curbside Pickup service at select locations in other markets.
Using its online store, customers select items to be delivered and lay out a cushioned, individually numbered landing pad in the household’s vicinity, over which delivery personnel carefully maneuver their hot-air balloons, weather permitting, for the grocery drop-offs.
Chattanooga is no stranger to aerial innovations, with Amazon’s PrimePult catapult-powered delivery service and Bike Chattanooga’s jetpack rental stations finding success.
If the delivery service turns out to be a success, then Food City executives hinted that they might offer a service directed toward immobile, morbidly obese customers who can lie on their backs and have food dropped directly into their mouths from hot air balloons.
Auto manufacturer Volkswagen unveiled at its Chattanooga manufacturing facility an ingenious way to sell its diesel cars – the sale of which had been halted after the discovery that they used a “defeat device” for emissions testing – by marketing them to be used as Halloween fog machines, rather than as vehicles.
“Chattanooga is home to some of the best haunted houses in the region, and every haunted house needs a good smoke machine,” said a VW spokesperson wearing a skeleton costume at a press conference this afternoon. “These mobile fog machines emit thick clouds of pollutants, which will make your haunted house that much more spooky.”
The VW spokesperson stressed, while he winked conspicuously, that the mobile fog machine should only be towed from place to place and not driven, although the driving capability of it had not been disabled.
“What can I say? They outsmarted us,” said a representative from the Environmental Protection Agency. “They’re selling them as fog machines, rather than cars, so they don’t have to abide by all the regulations regarding vehicle emissions. VW, you magnificent bastard.”
SoundCorps, the new Chattanooga-based nonprofit organization created to boost the local music scene and to view Stratton Tingle’s hair style of dreadlocks, held their launch party last night at the new Revelry Room.
“The primary objective of SoundCorps is to bring the Chattanooga music community together to form one big cohesive unit to look at my dreads,” exclaimed SoundCorps dreadlocks owner/Executive Director.
“I’ve participated in multiple musical projects over the last decade or so,” said local musician Brian Richardson. “I’m glad those years of dedication and practice have allowed me to join other musicians in gazing upon Mr Tingles head of free love flowing dreadlocks.”
This year, for the Chattanooga Times Free Press‘ annual “Best of the Best” awards gala, organizers took it into an edgy, new direction by having it hosted by the 32 criminals deemed the “Worst of the Worst” by the Chattanooga Police Department in 2013.
Accusations of being racist were not only levied against the Police Chief at the time, Bobby Dodd, for compiling the list of criminals who were all black men, but also to the Times Free Press for its front page coverage of the list, with mugshots of all 32 men.
The awards gala hosts who were currently serving prison sentences attended as part of their public service obligations, wearing their orange prison uniforms with shackles around their ankles and wrists.
“This year’s award for ‘Best All-Around Restaurant’ goes to…J. Motherfucking Alexander’s!” said one host. “Aw shit, maybe next year, Cheddar’s!”
“The 2015 award for ‘Best Chattanoogan’ goes to…Julie Baumgardner, President and CEO of First Things First,” said another host, before a roar of applause. “Damn, girl.”
Just in time for the fall season, automaker Volkswagen announced today that it would offer a pumpkin-spice emissions system as a stopgap measure for its controversial diesel cars that were programmed to only use full emissions controls during official testing.
“Sure, these diesel cars may emit up to 40 times the acceptable limit of unhealthy pollutants, but now, you’ll also get a whiff of a delightful pumpkin spice fragrance,” said a Volkswagen spokesperson. “It’ll make you think of Mom’s pumpkin pie or taking a brisk walk through a forest with beautiful fall colors.”
Automaker Volkswagen has halted plans to offer an “inflatable passenger” option in new cars for carpool lane users after allegations emerged from the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) that the software running on 482,000 diesel cars – including the 2014 and 2015 Passat manufactured in Chattanooga – was essentially a “defeat device” for emissions testing.
The inflatable passenger option would allow the driver, when driving alone, to activate a freon canister to inflate a blow-up doll in the passenger seat and to avoid scrutiny when using the High Occupancy Vehicle lanes during weekday morning and afternoon commutes, which by law can only be used by vehicles with two or more occupants.
High Occupancy Vehicle lanes are designed to reduce congestion and encourage people to carpool in order to reduce the pollution caused by car emissions.
According to investigators, Volkswagen admitted that the defeat device was installed, which would recognize when an official emissions test was occurring and turn on full emissions controls only during that time.
Emissions testing has measurably improved the air quality in Hamilton County since 2004, when it did not meet the Federal Standard.
Volkswagen CEO Martin Winterkorn offered an apology for breaking the trust of their customers and added, “You win this round, Mother Nature. Just watch your back, granola queen.”