Business - Page 6

Southside Social doubles down on dress code, requires tuxedos, gowns

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After receiving overwhelmingly negative feedback regarding its dress code, the bar and bowling alley Southside Social doubled down on its dress code, now requiring all patrons to wear tuxedos and gowns.

“We here at the Southside Social want to keep things classy, so that’s why all customers will be required to wear formal evening wear while they bowl and drink beer,” said Winston Adair Rothchild III, a representative for the Southside Social. “If you don’t like it, then you can take your business elsewhere, you filthy peasants.”

“It’s true that we want a more selective audience,” said Rothchild, who was wearing a silk top hat. “We want to attract people who seek the finer things in life – discriminating consumers, you could say.”

While the dress code was written to reduce the possibility of violence, some people believe that the code went too far by banning many items including backward ball caps, hoodies and oversized chains and could be construed as targeting blacks.

“Southside Social is the place where the grown, sexy and mature crowd goes to party,” said Rothchild, before adjusting his monocle. “When you hear the phrase ‘grown, sexy and mature,’ we want you to think of Southside Social, and not MILF porn.”

Trump arrives in Chattanooga for Southside Social’s new dress code unveiling

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After months of these darn kids causing a ruckus, Chattanooga’s Southside Social announced a new dress code that will be unveiled by none other than President Donald J Trump. The arrival comes after a representative from the establishment vowed to “Make Southside Social Great Again!”.

Experts believe some new requirements of the dress code, like no baggy clothing, will help relieve some injuries from patrons trying to scale a newly constructed wall around the building, that East Lake will pay for.

“It’s a great new dress code, really terrific. No more having to look at people play skeeball dressed like the Village People, I can tell you this,” explained President Trump while looking to a table with 30 copies of the new Southside Social dress code. ”

 

 

 

 

Trump takes credit for local jobs created to protest Trump

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President Donald Trump took credit, in his inaugural speech, for creating tens of thousands of local jobs that are directly related to protesting Trump.

“Believe me, this is all part of my economic plan for America,” said Trump. “I want all of these protest signs, t-shirts and hoodies to be American made, not in some Chinese sweatshop.”

“When you burn effigies of me in the streets, I want those to be top-quality effigies, made by American hands from American cotton,” said Trump.

“Take for example the Women’s March on Chattanooga,” said Trump about the march happening today at 3 p.m. at Coolidge Park. “Protesting is tiring work, and protesters will stimulate the Chattanooga economy by buying food, coffee and post-march massages from nearby businesses.”

“I’ve known all along that the more outrageous things I say and the more unethical things I do, the more people will protest, and protesting is part of the new economy,” said Trump.

Eddie Pontiac turns down inauguration musical invite

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Local musician and Mexican restaurant staple Eddie Pontiac announced he had declined an invitation to play at Friday’s inauguration for President Elect Donald Trump.

Pontiac, who many call the man with the golden voice, has entertained Mexican restaurant patrons for over 20 years.

Experts believe Pontiac opted to decline the invitation to perform due to prior commitments of playing for 8 hours Friday evening at El Mason.

“While many people will be kind and brake for me, I will not brake for Trump this Friday,” explained Pontiac, while strumming thru a rendition of the Joker.

Police blame Hamilton Place Mall incident on the shit show that is 2016

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Some 24 hours after fireworks were set off in Hamilton Place Mall that caused a commotion with multiple injuries, Chattanooga police have placed the blame to none other than the year 2016.

“It’s been pretty much a terrible year for humanity, so why not place the blame on 2016,” explained Chattanooga Police spokesmen Duke Shitemen. “I wouldn’t be surprised if some lousy kids dressed in the numbers 2016 were able to pull this off and get away scot-free.”

Sources believe this won’t be the last time 2016 will rear its ugly head.

“We are currently preparing for the strong possibility of 2016 causing the Tennessee River to drain, only to re-appear on Missionary Ridge with St Elmo floating in it,” exclaimed Shitemen.
“After the year we’ve endured, why not?”

City of Chattanooga to close every downtown business, all to reopen as Hotel or Escape Game

According to City of Chattanooga spokesman Larry McDowell, plans have been put in place to temporarily close down every downtown business and reopen them as large scale hotels or escape games. The announcement comes after numerous new escape skill games have opened in the area and the development of about 30 hotels.

“The future is now in escaping, sleeping, or a place to do some adultery things” exclaimed local zoning board member Kevin Thompson.

Some experts believe new city tax incentives will bring about hotels that incorporate escape games in its guest rooms.

“We think people will go wild for a challenging escape from a glass hotel room with no door,” explained hotel builder Jerry Slanders. “The only problem we face now is where to unload all this sea life.”

 

 

Chattanooga haunted houses show horror of city without gigabit internet

In response to what some one-time visitors of Chattanooga believe would be a shithole wasteland of horrors and less gentrification, area haunted houses brought those fears to life this Halloween.

One local favorite Rock City opened their attraction called “DSL hell”, in which gnomes were unable to launch their startups due to milliseconds slower page loading times.

Even area Church judgment houses went along with the popular theme.

“With gigabit internet, were able to save at least 2 to 3 souls faster an hour over much slower internet speeds.” explained local pastor Reverand Rick Davis. “I weep for the souls that are eternally burning in the fire and brimstone within the depths of hell due to insufficient internet speeds.”

Experts warn of Southside “condom desert” after closing of Chuck’s

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Urban planning experts have warned city officials that the upcoming closing of the Main Street nightclub Chuck’s, a.k.a. “The Condom Shop,” would leave a “condom desert” in the Southside after October 22.

Much like an urban “food desert,” which is a location that lacks convenient access to grocery stores, a “condom desert” would be a location that lacks ample access to prophylactics.

“Let’s say you are a young, single male who is partying on the Southside late one night, and you find yourself getting hot-and-heavy with a honey who is ready to go,” said urban planner Grace Solvowitz. “You’ve got to wrap that junk. But where do you go, after Chuck’s is gone? And let’s not forget dental dams, for the ladies.”

“In this day and age of diseases, coitus interruptus is not an option,” said Solvowitz, who then began to sing the chorus of “Don’t Pull Your Love,” the song popularized by Hamilton, Joe Frank & Reynolds.

Study: 40% of all local businesses to be yoga-related by 2020

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A study released today by the Tennessee Department of Commerce predicted that by the year 2020, approximately 40% of all Chattanooga businesses will be yoga-related.

“It’s blowing up!” said local yoga expert, Rain Summerberry. “Back in August, we had the debut of the Southern Bend Yoga Festival, and two weeks ago, we had the Divine Fire Yoga Festival. There are twenty-seven more yoga festivals scheduled here in the next month alone, taking place in parks, resorts, event venues, bars, alleyways, basements and vacant gravel lots.”

“Really, anywhere you can lay down a yoga mat,” said Summerberry.

“When you think about it, yoga can have a huge impact on local commerce,” said Kris Fogley of the Tennessee Department of Commerce. “Yoga people need yoga clothes, yoga paraphernalia, expensive food and drink from Whole Foods or Fresh Market and lots of crappy hippie-type music made by white people with dreadlocks.”

“Most people just drink water when they feel like they are thirsty,” said Fogley. “But yoga people have these fancy water bottles that come in pretty colors that glow when you need to take a drink of water. Those cost good money.”

“Last month, Chattanooga had its first Rage Yoga class, which mixes yoga with swearing, drinking beer and blaring rock music,” said Summerberry. “In East Ridge next month, there’s going to be a ‘Meth Yoga’ class, which we are looking forward to.”

“There are so many new varieties and niches, like ‘Insult Yoga,’ ‘Bare-Knuckle Yoga’ and ‘Toga Yoga,’ where everyone pretends that they are at the toga party in the movie Animal House,” said Summerberry. “Did I mention ‘Dexys Midnight Yoga’? You do yoga at midnight while listening to the song ‘Come On Eileen’ over and over, wearing clothing from the ’80s.”

Yoga (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/J9CcVh)
Yoga (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/J9CcVh)

Guy who eats 13 Little Debbie snack cakes a day wins IRONMAN

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In a shocking turn of events at this years Chattanooga IRONMAN, participant and 350lb Little Debbie enthusiast Todd Linderman came in first place over all. Linderman’s win puts to rest the irony thought by many of having a fatty junk food maker the sponsor of a world class triathlon.

“He was trailing behind the last athlete by about 3 hours,” said one spectator. “Then someone informed him of unlimited Little Debbies at the finish line and the rest is now history.”

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