Business - Page 5

Republic Parking now accepts severed arms, legs as payment

After Republic Parking received criticism for sharply increasing its parking fee in downtown Chattanooga temporarily to $20 during the recent Ironman competition, it announced that it would now accept severed arms and legs from those unable to come up with the necessary cash.

“We overheard people saying that it cost an arm and a leg to park downtown during the Ironman weekend, so that gave us an idea,” said a Republic Parking representative. “If you don’t like our prices, or don’t want to give up any limbs, then just park in Red Bank and walk downtown, if you have any legs left.”

“We’ve added convenient refrigerated storage containers at each parking lot, so your severed limbs will remain fresh until we can sell them,” said the representative.

“For flexibility, we have different payment plans,” said the representative. “For example, instead of giving us an entire arm, if you have a party of four, then we only need a single finger from each person in your party.”

“That will buy you one hour of parking time,” said the representative.

John Wise begins 900 room apartment construction on site of recently denounced Confederate cemetery

After Mayor Berke announced the city of Chattanooga would renounce the Confederate Cemetery on East Third Street, Developer John Wise announced he has already begun erecting a 900 room apartment complex. The construction began just days after many cities throughout the United States began removing Confederate monuments from public spaces.

Experts are claiming people shouldn’t get too upset about the new apartments as its low-quality construction probably won’t allow it to last as long as the civil war did.

“What people hate more than dead Confederate soldiers is the lack of more apartments,” explained Wise. “I also have plans in the works to build a statue of me on top of a pile of demolished historical buildings.”

Mojo Buritto fires Roy Exum

After his controversial article about Charlottesville and its mayor, local columnist and year user of AOL in the year, 2017 Roy Exum announced he has been fired by Mojo Burrito. The termination came just days after Mojo Burrito owner Eve Williams let go of an employee who openly supported white supremacist cartoons and attended a rally last Saturday.

“Our company does not support those who look to place the actions of the alt-right on others, especially those who may or may not work here,” explained Mojo Burrito owner Eve Williams.

“I didn’t know a snowflake woman owner could fire me from a place I didn’t know I worked,” explained Exum.

First of Fifteen new digital billboards erected in Miller Park

Due to the massive, overwhelming response to the new digital billboard on Market Street, the first of the fifteen planned digital billboards was installed at Miller Park this afternoon.

The new digital signs are reported to consume up to 65% of the $10 million budget for the MLK district makeover.

“Through numerous polls, we have concluded that visitors just want to be over advertised to,” explained Miller Park renovation spokesmen Jeffrey Bradley. “The next phase may include another 15-story apartment high-rise in the spot of a group of former picnic tables.”

Downtown digital billboard to air only Times Free Press digital reports

To appease the massive amount of fans for the new giant digital billboard downtown and the Chattanooga Times Free Press’ digital reporting videos, a representative from Fairway Outdoor Advertising announced plans to merge the two local favorites into one. Soon, commuters traveling on Market Street will be able to stay informed with 600sqft of pure LED digital reporting straight from the TFP.

“We have our finger on the pulse of what is popular with the Chattanooga market,” explained Fairway Outdoor Spokesman Brandon Snipes. “What our fingers tell us that people love giant blinding digital billboards and endless heartfelt digital news reporting.”

Sources believe a portal may form when inevitably a live report about the new billboard airs on the web and the billboard. Experts believe the portal will create a telepathic channel to Harrison Keely, who will mysteriously appear with longer hair overnight.

Times Free Press announces new web series of Lesley Dale just playing on her phone

In an effort to bring in more asinine comments to its Facebook page, the Chattanooga Times Free Press announced plans for a new web series of digital reporter Lesley Dale staring into her phone.
Lesley Dale became the Time Free Press digital reporter after local legend and male model Harrison Keely left for Las Vegas over a year ago. He is still greatly missed.
“We believe viewers with literally nothing else to do during the day will be excited about our new program,” explained Times Free Press spokesmen Michael Coleman. “Ms. Dale will inform everyone she is here at the TFP and then immediately launch into fiddling around on her phone for thirty to forty-five minutes.”

City eliminates all crime by closing one convenience store

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In one astounding move, the City of Chattanooga eliminated all crime, including gang activity and drug deals, by closing down a single convenience store: the Westside Shop.

“Why didn’t we think of this earlier?” said a representative from the Hamilton County District Attorney’s office. “Who would’ve thought it would be this easy?”

“Curses! After the closing of the Westside Shop, we have no choice but to give up our lives of crime and become honest, law-abiding citizens,” said one gang member who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “It’s not like we can just walk one block down the street and carry on our illegal activities there.”

The petition from the Hamilton County District Attorney mentioned that over a 27-month period, Chattanooga Police officers were called to the store’s area over 200 times for suspicious activity, fights, robberies, drug-related activity and other offenses.

Critics of the closure claimed that it was unfair to the business owners and that the closure would punish low-income families by reducing access to groceries, but they were silenced after hearing about the immediate and total elimination of crime in the entire city.

“We want to take our revolutionary crime-fighting idea of closing down businesses beyond Chattanooga,” said a city representative. “Did you know that 100% of bank robberies take place at banks? If you just close down all the banks, then you will completely eliminate bank robberies.”

Chief Fred Fletcher announces plans to sell dietary supplements after retirement

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Some weeks after Chattanooga Police Chief Fred Fletcher announced retirement after his contract ends this summer, Fletcher revealed plans to supplement his income by offering a broad range of dietary and energy supplements.
Fletcher, who has been Chattanooga Police chief since 2014, has always dreamed of being his own boss and exploring his maximum potential.
“While the fight to keep the streets of Chattanooga safe from gang violence must continue, preparing your future for health and financial success must be a priority as well,” explained Chattanooga Police Chief Fred Fletcher, while sitting on a flowery upholstered love seat, surrounded by a dozen middle-aged men and women.

UTC buys Chattanooga Bystander for the fourth anniversary and immediately fires staff

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For the fourth anniversary of Chattanooga Bystander, the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga announced it has bought the publication to add to its collection of hard-hitting journalism it can tamper with. Little did they know, Bystander writers Dirk Savage and Francis Porkloin would soon be jobless.

Chattanooga Bystander, which was started on April 1st, 2013, has been the leading source of providing Chattanooga too much information that it didn’t know it craved.

“WUTC receives a majority of its funding from the likes of Rick Davis, Lake Winnepesaukah, local government officials, Harrison Keely, Paul Barys, sad Riverbend acts, and many others these two sleaze bags have shit talked over the last four years,” explained George Heddleston, senior associate vice chancellor of marketing and communication for UTC. “I was informed they didn’t even show their press badges when reporting at Las Margaritas a few months ago.”

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