Chuck's, the Condom Shop on Main Street

Experts warn of Southside “condom desert” after closing of Chuck’s

Urban planning experts have warned city officials that the upcoming closing of the Main Street nightclub Chuck’s, a.k.a. “The Condom Shop,” would leave a “condom desert” in the Southside after October 22.

Much like an urban “food desert,” which is a location that lacks convenient access to grocery stores, a “condom desert” would be a location that lacks ample access to prophylactics.

“Let’s say you are a young, single male who is partying on the Southside late one night, and you find yourself getting hot-and-heavy with a honey who is ready to go,” said urban planner Grace Solvowitz. “You’ve got to wrap that junk. But where do you go, after Chuck’s is gone? And let’s not forget dental dams, for the ladies.”

“In this day and age of diseases, coitus interruptus is not an option,” said Solvowitz, who then began to sing the chorus of “Don’t Pull Your Love,” the song popularized by Hamilton, Joe Frank & Reynolds.

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

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