Business - Page 4

Developers urge city to address vacation-homeless issue


Local housing developers have urged the city government to address the vacation-homeless issue that has plagued Chattanooga – that is, the issue of homeowners who only have a primary residence and do not own a vacation home.

“Can you believe that the majority of Chattanooga homeowners only have one house and no vacation home?” said local developer Cyril Brimble-Scrivener. “No beach house, summer home on the lake, or even a measly pied-à-terre in Manhattan.”

The issue of vacation-homelessness has come to the forefront of Chattanooga politics in a time when a panhandling ordinance has been proposed and a new council was formed to tackle homelessness.

“It’s the American dream to raise a family in a beautiful house,” said Brimble-Scrivener. “And what’s twice as American as that? Having two beautiful houses.”

“Please, for heaven’s sake, let’s help these poor dirt-eating peasants who only have the one house,” said Brimble-Scrivener.

Uber Eats to deliver Krystal burgers directly to toilet


The food delivery service Uber Eats started operating in Chattanooga today, and customers have the option of ordering Krystal burgers to be delivered directly into a toilet, to save people the time and trouble of actually eating a Krystal and having it swiftly pass through one’s digestive system.

“This new service is all about efficiency,” said Uber driver and Uber Eats delivery person Kris Courtsay. “People are willing to pay me to go to Krystal, buy a dozen Krystal burgers, then just throw them right into a toilet and flush them down.”

“They say you don’t really buy Krystals – you just rent them,” said Courtsay.

Local man spends first Valentine’s Day alone since Puss n Boots demolition


Today is a sad day for local Chattanooga man Alan Randall as he spends his first Valentine’s Day alone since the demolition of the Puss n Boots Adult entertainment club.

Randall, who was a frequent visitor to the Adult club, made a yearly tradition of spending every Valentine’s day with a group of ladies he truly believed he shared a connection.

“I would bring my girls Destiny Summer and Vanity Safire chocolates every Valentines, while still making it rain hundreds of dollars on them,” explained a teary-eyed Randalls. “I feel like true love died with that asbestos-filled cockroach-ridden building.”

EPB eyes possible rate increase to pay for larger Chattanooga Market bags


While gearing up for the 2018 Chattanooga Market, EPB announced it might increase rates to pay for new and improved labeled blue bags that have become a staple of the popular weekend event. Starting this spring, customers of EPB Fiber Optics may see a line item increase of a few cents, but experts agree the cost is worth it for the ability to haul around a more sizable variety of artisanal goods at the Chattanooga Market.

“More EPB bag space equals more locally grown Kale,” explained EPB Chief Bag Executive Cliff Powerman. “We listen to our customers and hear their cries for more channels, more internet speed, and more room to haul around dream catchers or a painted piece of plywood.”

Amazon passes up East Ridge for HQ2

After much deliberation by Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, it was unfortunately announced that East Ridge would not be on the list to get Amazon’s second headquarters.

The heartbreaking news was delivered by East Ridge Mayor Earl Ridge to its citizens as they tearfully retreated into the cities variety of pawn shops, title pawn shops, adult stores, and abandoned buildings.

“The thought of being within a mile or so of Bass Pro shop, fast food chain restaurants, and a park that constantly floods sounds fantastic, but we have decided to pass on building HQ2 in East Ridge at this time,” explained Bezos in a call to Mayor Ridge. “We will keep you in mind when we reach HQ643523 or so.”

Mayor Berke changes name to “Andy Bitcoin”


At a press conference yesterday, Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke announced that he had changed his name to “Andy Bitcoin.”

“Boom!” said Berke, who arrived at the press conference riding a hoverboard and wearing futuristic wrap-around sunglasses and a shiny suit made of Mylar-like material. “Now that’s what I call the sound of a disruptive re-branding!”

“Whenever there’s something, like the cryptocurrency Bitcoin, that makes lots of money and isn’t easily understood, people think it’s sexy,” said Berke. “Just like me. Andy Bitcoin. Boom!”

Berke’s name change comes at a time when cryptocurrencies based on blockchain technology like Bitcoin have captured the public’s attention, and several businesses have begun to take advantage of this, including the company Long Island Iced Tea Corp. which changed its name to Long Blockchain Corp.

“You see, with the Innovation District, I simply re-named an area of town that already had a high concentration of innovative companies and facilities, like EPB, the Public Library and the Edney Building,” said Berke. “Similarly, with my new name, I’m riding high on an already existing giant wave, just like I rode in here on this sick hoverboard.”

“People ask, is this growth sustainable? How high will rent prices get?” said Berke. “All I know is that it’s unstoppable, just like me! Just like a big bubble that keeps growing and growing.”

New Chattanooga Realtor mistakenly takes promotional picture in front of Olgiati Bridge

After being drawn to Chattanooga by excessive internet speeds and overpriced gentrified real estate, newly licensed real estate agent, Chad Mullmens released his first promotional photo in front of the Olgiati Bridge. Such a choice for photo location has been called questionable by other seasoned Chattanooga realtors.

“I heard that Chattanooga has fantastic bridges for almost Shutterstock-like backdrops and this was the first one I saw,” explained Mullmens. “I’ve even started a “10 things to do in Chattanooga” blog post based on the Olgiati Bridge.”

“He’ll never close on more than one or two three-hundred thousand former crack houses with that sort of promotional picture,” explained Chattanooga relator Mark Hite. “He could have at least photoshopped in the aquarium or incline.”

Local women transformed into fashion experts after visiting new H&M

Thousands of Chattanooga women were instantly transformed into fashion experts after simply visiting the newly opened H&M clothing store at the Hamilton Place Mall.

“I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it,” said resident Gladys Farngully. “They walked in as frumpy housewives. They walked out as chic, metropolitan sophisticates, speaking French.”

The H&M store, which opened Thursday, is one of thousands from the popular Swedish clothing retailer operating worldwide, which is known for bringing trendy fashions to mainstream consumers at reasonable prices.

“It’s only been open a few days, but pretty much, if you haven’t been to H&M, then you’re considered an uncivilized peasant,” said Farngully. “I used to go to Dress Barn, even though the name would make me feel like I was livestock.”

Times Free Press lays off newspaper printing press

In an effort to adapt to new technology or something, the Chattanooga Times Free press announced it has eliminated 35 positions. Included in the layoffs was the newspapers printing press, which was just purchased in 2014.

Sources it may take months for the printing press to vacate the building, as the people who would take it apart were laid off as well.

“We just knew the future was in physical media and that’s why we invested $6.4 million into a new paper press just three years ago,” explained Times Free Press representative Stephen Scotts, while moving his personal belongings into a cardboard box.

“Hopefully the press can find work elsewhere, like printing property available signs for John Wise or physical copies of the Chattanooga Bystander.”

Republic Parking now accepts severed arms, legs as payment

After Republic Parking received criticism for sharply increasing its parking fee in downtown Chattanooga temporarily to $20 during the recent Ironman competition, it announced that it would now accept severed arms and legs from those unable to come up with the necessary cash.

“We overheard people saying that it cost an arm and a leg to park downtown during the Ironman weekend, so that gave us an idea,” said a Republic Parking representative. “If you don’t like our prices, or don’t want to give up any limbs, then just park in Red Bank and walk downtown, if you have any legs left.”

“We’ve added convenient refrigerated storage containers at each parking lot, so your severed limbs will remain fresh until we can sell them,” said the representative.

“For flexibility, we have different payment plans,” said the representative. “For example, instead of giving us an entire arm, if you have a party of four, then we only need a single finger from each person in your party.”

“That will buy you one hour of parking time,” said the representative.

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