Francis Porkloin

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

Local beard oil supplies dangerously low before Moon River Festival

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Authorities have cautioned the public to remain calm after it was revealed that local reserves of beard oil have become dangerously low, in advance of the Americana/roots music Moon River Festival this weekend in Coolidge Park.

“Be warned, we may have to start rationing or placing anti-price-gouging controls on our remaining supplies of beard oil,” said local distributor Sam Lumberplaid, while stroking his beard like it was the flaxen tail of a magnificent steed.

“Believe me, you don’t want to see thousands of Avett Brothers fans with severe cases of beard itch,” said Lumberplaid.

Rep. Diane Black blames porn for defeat

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After underdog and outsider Bill Lee won the Republican gubernatorial primary election yesterday, in a highly competitive race with several contenders, Representative Diane Black blamed her loss on pornography.

Black had attracted criticism in May after remarking that pornography was a root cause of school shootings.

In a stunning upset, Black came in third in the primary election, despite leading in most polls until Bill Lee’s recent surge, having the endorsement of Vice President Mike Pence, and spending millions of dollars of her own money.

It was not clear if Black’s criticism of pornography was regarding its depiction of fornication, or regarding the decline in quality since the “Golden Age of Porn” in the ’70s.

Sources say that after conceding defeat, Black dropped an ice cream cone she was eating and blamed it on porn.

Encroaching armadillos inspire yoga trend

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With armadillo sightings on the rise in southeast Tennessee, due to the nocturnal mammals’ attraction to warm climates, yoga enthusiasts have found a way to incorporate the animals into their sessions.

This follows a national trend, which has been embraced by Chattanoogans, to involve various animals in yoga classes, including horses, goats, kittens and puppies.

“Armadillos are adorable creatures, and we think that yoga is mutually beneficial for humans and armadillos, as well,” said yoga teacher Buttercup Sunshower. “Armadillos are like humans, as both can have troubled souls that reside inside hardened exteriors.”

“Like the armadillos’ armored shells, humans can build up psychological and emotional walls, which can be just as tough and impenetrable,” said Sunshower. “Did I just blow your mind?”

Scientists have pointed out that armadillos should be avoided, since they can spread leprosy to humans.

“Yes, the risk is there, but it’s a small price to pay for inner peace,” said Sunshower, before cuddling with an armadillo.

Southside violence problem solved by new signs

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In a stunning development, it was revealed that a few new signs posted at the parking lot near the Southside nightclub Coyote Jacks completely solved the area’s ongoing late-night violence problem.

“There. All better,” said a representative from the community. “All you have to do is ask politely, and people will behave.”

One sign reads “If it is between midnight and 6 a.m., shouldn’t you be at home in bed, getting a good night’s rest so that you are refreshed and ready to tackle the challenges of a new day, by golly?”

Another sign reads “Hope you are having a pleasant evening, and, oh, by the way, do us a big favor and please don’t murder anyone here”.

One suggestion to force Coyote Jacks to only play the song “Don’t Take Your Guns to Town” by Johnny Cash over and over was shot down.

Southside sign #2

Pence to talk with Rep. Marsha Blackburn through hole in sheet

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Vice President Mike Pence made a vow to only talk with Republican Senate candidate Marsha Blackburn through a hole in a sheet today at a fundraiser in Chattanooga.

Pence told The Hill in 2002 that he never dines alone with a woman who isn’t his wife and that he won’t attend an event where alcohol is served unless his wife is with him.

Republican U.S. Representative Blackburn has pledged to support President Trump’s agenda, and she is running for the Senate seat that Bob Corker will vacate, facing former Tennessee governor Phil Bredesen in the race.

Pence also made a vow to solemnly eat only graham crackers and drink only whole milk at the fundraising reception.

Golden Corral’s “Pay Your Age” promotion fails to draw crowds

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Golden Corral restaurants in the Chattanooga area failed to draw huge crowds today for its one-day-only “Pay Your Age” promotion.

“We really didn’t think this one through,” said restaurant manager Pat Sanesca. “We should’ve known that our core customers are all senior citizens in their 60s, 70s, 80s or older.”

This came on the heels of a similar promotion from Build-A-Bear Workshop, including the location in the Hamilton Place Mall, which allowed customers today only to purchase a stuffed bear for the price of the child’s age, which could be as little as $1 for a one-year-old.

A victim of its own success, the offer eventually prompted Build-A-Bear Workshop locations to shut down lines after overwhelmingly large numbers of people came out to take advantage of the promotion.

“Mr. Leslie Jenkins here is one of our most loyal customers,” said Sanesca, who pointed to a man sitting alone, in front of an empty plate. “Mr. Jenkins was born during a long-ago era when ‘Leslie’ was mostly a name for boys.”

“Hope you enjoyed your supper! That’ll be $85, sir,” said Sanesca.

Rescued Thai soccer team postpones Lost Sea vacation

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After being trapped in a flooded cave for 18 days, the rescued Thai boys’ soccer team announced that they would postpone their planned vacation to the Lost Sea in Sweetwater, Tenn., which is the largest underground lake in the nation.

“We already booked this trip to the Lost Sea months ago, but you know, I think we’re going to hold off on caves and confined water-filled spaces for the time being,” said the soccer team’s coach, who added that they’re also postponing visits to Ruby Falls and the Titanic replica in Pigeon Forge.

EPB urges use of paper porn during Internet outage

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Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/ZtS2J

Power company and Internet provider EPB asked its customers to use paper porn during a temporary Internet outage earlier today.

“For many of you, we know, based on your Internet browsing history, that online porn is a part of your lives, morning, noon and night,” said EPB representative Kris Sobiscan. “But paper pornography has its own charm that can’t be replicated by mere JPG files or online videos.”

“We’ll get through this temporary Internet interruption together, but just have patience,” said Sobiscan. “Squeeze one off using that old Playboy magazine that you stole from your father…the one with Bo Derek on the cover. The one that got you through some dry spells during college. It’s in a box in your attic.”

“Ladies, grab your Hitachi Magic Wand and give a magazine a try,” said Sobiscan. “You’ve watched ‘Magic Mike’ so many times that you know all the lines by heart, so it’s time to give it a rest.”

“Think of analog porn like the comeback of vinyl records and cassettes, over CDs and streaming music,” said Sobiscan. “In a pinch, the swimsuit section of a Lands’ End catalog will do.”

Royal honeymoon mistakenly booked at King’s Lodge

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Amid speculation regarding where newlyweds Prince Harry and Meghan Markle would spend their honeymoon, it was revealed that in a colossal error, their matrimonial vacation was booked at King’s Lodge in Chattanooga.

According to a spokesperson, the hotel was booked after the royal family’s travel agent read a glowing article in the New York Times about Chattanooga and, in haste, selected King’s Lodge based on its regal-sounding name before looking at reviews on the Trip Advisor website, which featured comments such as “Dirty worst hotel ever” and “Crack and roach infested.”

A cursory amount of research would have also revealed that King’s Lodge was turned into an apartment complex last year.

“Cor blimey! I deserve a bollocking over this cock up, which should have been easy peasy lemon squeezy,” said Basil Portendorfer, the royal family’s travel agent, while cleaning his monocle with a handkerchief. “Maybe I should have tried Lamar’s Motel.”

David Blaine to hold breath for 18 minutes inside chicken processing plant

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While in Chattanooga for his June 2 performance at the Tivoli Theatre, street magician and endurance artist David Blaine announced that he would break a world record by holding his breath for 18 minutes while locked inside the downtown chicken processing plant.

Blaine has performed endurance stunts including being encased in a block of ice for over 63 hours, being suspended over the River Thames in a Plexiglas case for 44 days and hanging upside down over Central Park for 60 hours.

“Anyone who has caught a whiff of the intense chicken plant stench on a summer day knows that it can be unbearable, so David Blaine is perhaps facing the riskiest stunt of his entire career,” said Chattanooga resident Randall Menalivis, a longtime fan.

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