Bearded man who probably likes Americana music

Local beard oil supplies dangerously low before Moon River Festival

Authorities have cautioned the public to remain calm after it was revealed that local reserves of beard oil have become dangerously low, in advance of the Americana/roots music Moon River Festival this weekend in Coolidge Park.

“Be warned, we may have to start rationing or placing anti-price-gouging controls on our remaining supplies of beard oil,” said local distributor Sam Lumberplaid, while stroking his beard like it was the flaxen tail of a magnificent steed.

“Believe me, you don’t want to see thousands of Avett Brothers fans with severe cases of beard itch,” said Lumberplaid.

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

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