Francis Porkloin

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

Slaughterhouse weddings take barn-wedding trend to next level

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Over the last ten years, there’s been a growing trend to hold weddings in barns with rustic, farm-related decor, and now, local trend-setters have taken the idea to the next level by having weddings in slaughterhouses.

“You can’t get more real than this,” said wedding planner Gracie Nimberlaut. “As real as the love that’s formed by the sacred bond of matrimony.”

“People are getting tired of the same old barn wedding, with wooden barrels, Mason jars, bales of hay and vintage vases with wildflowers,” said Nimberlaut, who prefers the word “abattoir,” another term for slaughterhouse. “I guarantee you that nobody will forget an abattoir wedding.”

One advantage of having an abattoir wedding is the freshness of the meat for the wedding meal.

“It is simply not possible to have fresher meat at your wedding than by having an abattoir wedding,” said Nimberlaut. “This is farm-to-table dining, taken to its absolute extreme.”

After the meal, guests are led to the cutting room, which for an abattoir wedding is used to cut the wedding cake, and then guests are ushered to the kill floor, which becomes the dance floor.

“Instead of the traditional throwing of the bouquet, some brides opt for the non-traditional ‘throwing of the offal,’ which has been a big hit,” said Nimberlaut.

It’s a trend that is beginning to catch on locally, and Nimberlaut contends that abattoirs can be elegant, charming and even fun locations for weddings.

“You can’t spell ‘slaughterhouse’ without ‘laughter,'” said Nimberlaut.

Yodeling Kid, Sweet Potato Pie Guy to have sing-off at local Walmart

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In what is being billed as “The Battle of the Singing Walmart Viral Video Stars,” the eleven-year-old “Yodeling Kid” Mason Ramsey and the “Patti Pie Guy” James Wright will have a sing-off Wednesday, May 9, at the Gunbarrel Road Walmart.

Ramsey earned quick fame from a viral video of him singing the Hank Williams song “Lovesick Blues,” complete with yodeling, at a Walmart store, and since the video was shot in March, he has performed at the Grand Ole Opry and the Coachella Festival and signed a record deal with Atlantic Records.

Wright became famous overnight for his glowing video review of Patti LaBelle’s Sweet Potato Pies which included him singing parts of various Patti LaBelle songs; the video and its follow-up were responsible for the sale of several million dollars worth of pies, which were only available at Walmart.

“Usually, viral videos that involve Walmart are footage of some kind of child abuse or fashion atrocity,” said organizer Grady Hurbington. “We’re thrilled that these two viral videos show Walmart as being a center of musical and culinary culture.”

According to sources, Ramsey and Wright will sing Hank Williams and Patti LaBelle songs that have been adapted to have Walmart-related lyrics, including “Six More Aisles (to the Checkout),” “(Last Night) I Heard You Crying in Your Sleep (on This Inexpensive Bed Made out of Chinese Particle Board),” “(Ridiculously Giant Jar of) Orange Marmalade,” and “(I’m Going to Eat This Entire $5.99 Rotisserie Chicken) On My Own.”

“Coyotes are motherfuckers” warns Tenn. Wildlife Dept.

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The Tennessee Wildlife Department warned today at a press conference that coyote sightings have been on the rise around Chattanooga and that coyotes are a bunch of bloodthirsty motherfuckers.

“These assholes won’t think twice about ripping apart your precious little chihuahua or fluffy kitty cat,” said Rita Viscobb, a representative from the Tennessee Wildlife Department. “Coyotes are total douchebags who suck balls, so keep your tiny friends inside at night.”

“Coyotes will fuck up a little bunny rabbit just for a little snack,” said Viscobb. “I mean, what kind of a dick move is that?”

Viscobb recommended that residents should avoid keeping uneaten pet food outside, pointing out that coyotes will eat almost anything, including rotting food scraps or Taco Bell’s Beefy Crunch Burritos.

“If you see one of these rat bastard coyotes, try to scare them away by screaming ‘Go away, you coyote motherfucker!’ at them while flipping them the bird, or throw pinecones that have been covered with glitter at them,” said Viscobb. “They hate pinecones, and they hate flair.”

“If that doesn’t work, then try to publicly shame the coyotes by posting their photos on Facebook,” said Viscobb, who has a personal vendetta against coyotes.

“A coyote ate my baby,” said Viscobb, with a thick Australian accent.

Developers urge city to address vacation-homeless issue

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Local housing developers have urged the city government to address the vacation-homeless issue that has plagued Chattanooga – that is, the issue of homeowners who only have a primary residence and do not own a vacation home.

“Can you believe that the majority of Chattanooga homeowners only have one house and no vacation home?” said local developer Cyril Brimble-Scrivener. “No beach house, summer home on the lake, or even a measly pied-à-terre in Manhattan.”

The issue of vacation-homelessness has come to the forefront of Chattanooga politics in a time when a panhandling ordinance has been proposed and a new council was formed to tackle homelessness.

“It’s the American dream to raise a family in a beautiful house,” said Brimble-Scrivener. “And what’s twice as American as that? Having two beautiful houses.”

“Please, for heaven’s sake, let’s help these poor dirt-eating peasants who only have the one house,” said Brimble-Scrivener.

Chattanooga Police app includes “Hot Cop” slideshow feature

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The Chattanooga Police Department (CPD) unveiled its new mobile app this afternoon on Facebook Live and demonstrated several of its features, including the ability to submit anonymous tips, use crime maps and view a “Hot Cop” slideshow of alluring local officers.

“You have the right to remain sexy,” said Chattanooga Police Chief Pat Murkaster to a photo on the mobile phone in his hand, during the live demonstration of the app. “There are some things – or people – you wouldn’t mind being held against you in a court of law.”

“We are proud to have many brave officers on our police force, who all happen to have smokin’ hot bods,” said Murkaster.

“Now, get a load of these guns,” said Murkaster, who pointed to a row of male officers who ripped off their shirts, revealing their chiseled torsos, and started writhing to the sounds of “Hot Cop” by Village People.

Uber Eats to deliver Krystal burgers directly to toilet

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The food delivery service Uber Eats started operating in Chattanooga today, and customers have the option of ordering Krystal burgers to be delivered directly into a toilet, to save people the time and trouble of actually eating a Krystal and having it swiftly pass through one’s digestive system.

“This new service is all about efficiency,” said Uber driver and Uber Eats delivery person Kris Courtsay. “People are willing to pay me to go to Krystal, buy a dozen Krystal burgers, then just throw them right into a toilet and flush them down.”

“They say you don’t really buy Krystals – you just rent them,” said Courtsay.

Hipster lanes to be added to MLK Boulevard

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The Chattanooga Department of Transportation announced today that eastbound and westbound hipster lanes would be added to a section of East M.L. King Boulevard as part of its repaving project.

“It’s no secret that hipsters have overrun Chattanooga,” said Kelly Dowdeshell, the Chattanooga Department of Transportation’s administrator. “Adding hipster lanes will only improve the traffic flow on East M.L. King, as hipsters go from one craft beer bar to the next.”

Dowdeshell explained that the enforcement of hipster lanes will be aided by cameras, similar to the way some carpool lanes are monitored to ensure that only high-occupancy vehicles are using them.

“It’s not enough to simply ride a bike in these hipster lanes,” said Dowdeshell. “Your bike must be a fixie, a unicycle or one of those old-timey bikes with the giant front wheel.”

“And if you’re riding an old-timey bike, then you must have either a Grizzly Adams beard or a handlebar mustache, sculpted with artisanal mustache wax,” said Dowdeshell. “Minimum two inches long.”

Hipster lanes are also open to hipsters wearing roller skates – quad skates or rollerblades – or even hipsters who choose to walk, as long as they are power-walking, prancercising or wearing ’80s-style neon leggings or skinny jeans that make their legs resemble engorged sausage casings.

“We can’t reveal our dress-code standards for hipster women, because poseurs will totally steal our latest styles,” said Dowdeshell. “But let me give you a hint: think blue-haired manic pixie dreamgirl or Grimes bangs, and you’ll do fine.”

Trump rushes to Dalton High to disarm teacher

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Two days after President Donald Trump said that he would have run unarmed into the Florida high school where the Parkland mass shooting occurred, he stormed into Dalton High School to disarm a teacher who had shot a bullet out a window using only his bare hands.

White House staffers said that upon hearing the news about the teacher, Trump demanded that Air Force One fly him to Dalton, Ga. so he could deal with the situation singlehandedly.

On Air Force One, Trump’s wife Melania begged him not to go, saying, “Donnie, don’t be a hero.”

“It’s too late,” said Trump, right before he parachuted out of Air Force One, landing outside the window of the classroom where the Dalton High School teacher had barricaded himself.

According to school surveillance cameras, the 71-year-old Trump did a series of aerial cartwheels before jumping through the window, shattering the glass and ending with a perfectly executed dive roll.

Before the teacher realized what was happening, Trump grabbed a history textbook and threw it at his stomach, saying, “You’re history, Teach.”

Trump then used his Muay Thai kickboxing skills to deliver a fierce jump kick to the teacher’s face, followed by a spinning backfist punch.

“Class dismissed,” said Trump.

Local upscale supper club to offer artisanal hand jobs

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A popular, local supper club just took the Chattanooga dining experience to the next level with its announcement that its next meal, limited to 20 diners charged $995 each, would include a hand job administered during the final dessert course.

“I got the idea for the artisanal hand job after hearing a person balk at the price of a previous supper club experience,” said Chef Kelly Ristmussen, the founder of the Conspicuous Consumption Supper Club (CCSC), at a press conference. “The person said, jokingly, ‘For that price, this meal better include a hand job.'”

“Then I thought, ‘Why not?'” said Ristmussen. “We can make this happen in the Gig City, with our ‘Can Do’ attitude. Beat that, Scenic City Supper Club.”

No expense will be spared for the upcoming meal, which will feature a distinguished 19-course meal, including dishes such as braised quail uvulas with a pickled placenta chutney and a blood orange sauce, made using a reduction of Bourbon barrel-aged Appalachian dip cup froth and fresh-squeezed marionberry juice.

Another of Chef Ristmussen’s creations uses roasted jackfruit that has been regurgitated by angry civets, drizzled with Hungarian bone marrow butter and specks of radioactive platinum, and the main course will be creamed cocottes prepared with a modified sous vide method that uses ostrich bladders instead of plastic bags.

However, Ristmussen has saved the best for last: a truly artisanal hand job for both men and women.

“The exquisite hand job we will offer will be an extraordinary sensual experience, far beyond some sleazy lap dance at Diamonds and Lace,” said Ristmussen. “Our skilled hand artists have been trained at some of the finest rub-and-tug institutes around the world.”

Ristmussen described how each hand artist will wear gloves made from 9th century Chinese silk from the Tang dynasty, and at completion, each diner’s drippings will be captured in a special cashmere handcloth, personally embroidered with the diner’s initials.

“Everyone loves a happy ending,” said Chef Ristmussen. “This isn’t just ‘farm-to-table,’ it’s ‘farm-to-table-to-trousers,’ and truly, we’re here to turn organic dining into orgasmic dining.”

Mayor Berke changes name to “Andy Bitcoin”

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At a press conference yesterday, Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke announced that he had changed his name to “Andy Bitcoin.”

“Boom!” said Berke, who arrived at the press conference riding a hoverboard and wearing futuristic wrap-around sunglasses and a shiny suit made of Mylar-like material. “Now that’s what I call the sound of a disruptive re-branding!”

“Whenever there’s something, like the cryptocurrency Bitcoin, that makes lots of money and isn’t easily understood, people think it’s sexy,” said Berke. “Just like me. Andy Bitcoin. Boom!”

Berke’s name change comes at a time when cryptocurrencies based on blockchain technology like Bitcoin have captured the public’s attention, and several businesses have begun to take advantage of this, including the company Long Island Iced Tea Corp. which changed its name to Long Blockchain Corp.

“You see, with the Innovation District, I simply re-named an area of town that already had a high concentration of innovative companies and facilities, like EPB, the Public Library and the Edney Building,” said Berke. “Similarly, with my new name, I’m riding high on an already existing giant wave, just like I rode in here on this sick hoverboard.”

“People ask, is this growth sustainable? How high will rent prices get?” said Berke. “All I know is that it’s unstoppable, just like me! Just like a big bubble that keeps growing and growing.”

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