Francis Porkloin

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

Public Library down to 30 books after watching “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo”

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After the staff of the Chattanooga Public Library watched the new Netflix series “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo” about decluttering, a decision was swiftly made to reduce the library’s collection down to a mere 30 books.

“You won’t believe how liberating this feels,” said library director Ashley Collfrab. “We held every single book in our hands to see if it sparked joy, and these 30 books that remain are ones that passed the test.”

Collfrab pointed to a single shelf that held the library’s entire book collection, which included selections such as “To the Lighthouse” by Virginia Woolf, “Everybody Poops” by Taro Gomi, the James Bond book “Octopussy” by Ian Fleming, only volume 9 of the Encyclopædia Britannica (“Extradition – Garrick”) and “Blubber” by Judy Blume.

Ironically, Marie Kondo’s own book “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” did not make the cut and was removed in the purge.

“Thank you Marie Kondo, you magical neat-freak elf from Japan,” said Collfrab.

Giant Tivoli screen to display Mayor Berke’s teeth 24/7

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The Tivoli Theater Foundation announced that the new, giant 50-foot drop-down screen and state-of-the-art 4K digital projector installed in the Tivoli Theater would display Mayor Berke’s teeth 24 hours a day, seven days a week, except during scheduled events.

“We have the technology, so let’s use it as much as we can,” said Pat Mantobin, from the Tivoli Theater Foundation.

“Think of it this way: what if you could only see our iconic Walnut Street bridge a few hours every week?” said Mantobin. “Like that bridge, Berke’s glistening teeth are among our city’s treasures.”

“Now, if you just want to walk in off the street and look at Mayor Berke’s toothy grin on a humongous screen any time you want, you can,” said Mantobin. “It’s the year 2019, by golly.”

“Would you just look at those beautiful, pearly whites?” said Mantobin.

Warm weather encourages kids to play Fortnite outside

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On the last weekend before the end of winter break, Chattanooga children were encouraged by the unusually warm, 65-degree weather to go outside and play the video game Fortnite.

“Things were much different, back when I was a kid,” said Chattanooga resident Charlie Randiston, a father of two. “After school, on a bright sunny day, I couldn’t wait to get outside to play. I’d find a nice cozy spot under a tree, pull out my GameBoy and play Tetris until I heard my mom call me in for dinner just before sunset.”

“We’re so blessed by this warm weather, since kids just seemed to be cooped up inside playing Fortnite for the last few months when it was rainy and cold,” said Randiston. “Now we can let kids be kids outside, playing Fortnite on their iPhones.”

NOOGAtoday moves to all-emoji format

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The local news website NOOGAtoday, built upon Nooga.com after it had been acquired, announced that it would be moving to an all-emoji format in order to appeal to a hip, modern audience.

“Some readers might have already noticed that we have encouraged our writers to spice up their articles with emojis,” said NOOGAtoday representative Kelly Drenntil. “That’s something that no stuffy, outdated broadsheet paper would ever dream of doing.”

“Then we thought, why stop there?” said Drenntil. “Let’s make a big, bold move with NOOGAtoday.”

“We had some great ideas for being a total media game changer, like boosting our paid advertorial content from 50% of our articles to 100%, or closing each article with an animated GIF of someone dabbing,” said Drenntil. “But in the end, we decided to just do away with words in our articles and only use emojis.”

“They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so an emoji is worth at least that many,” said Drenntil. “Which is good, because we’ve only been cranking out one article a day on average lately.”

Trump to kick off “Shutdown Week” with bankruptcy seminar

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The White House announced that President Trump will kick off “Shutdown Week” with a bankruptcy seminar, as part of his Sunday visit to Chattanooga.

Trump has received criticism for having gone through four bankruptcies involving various hotels, casinos and resorts, and although claimed to be a self-made billionaire, Trump received hundreds of millions of dollars from his father’s real estate empire and engaged in dubious tax schemes and fraud according to the New York Times.

Local shutdown agency and decomposition chamber CO.LON will present the seminar to kick off “Shutdown Week,” which comes one week after the annual “Startup Week” series of events.

“Nobody knows bankruptcies better than me,” said Trump. “On a scale from one to ten, I’m an 11 when it comes to Chapter 11.”

Project to turn Highway 27 into parking lot almost complete

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After years of construction work and millions of dollars, officials announced that the project to turn the downtown Chattanooga section of U.S. Route 27 into a parking lot is almost complete.

“Many people have complained about the lack of parking downtown, so this is a win-win situation,” said Kelly Sothton, a representative for the project.

“Previously, we had a massive construction project to move the traffic bottleneck from the Signal Mountain Road exit up to the Olgiati Bridge,” said Sothton. “In a brilliant move, we retained the congestion but just moved it to a different place.”

“However, traffic was still moving, although slowly,” said Sothton. “We told ourselves, ‘We can do better than this. We can make traffic come to a complete stop.'”

Drive-By Truckers to open for Drive-By Truckers tribute band

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The popular, acclaimed Southern-rock band Drive-By Truckers announced that it would be the opening act for The Dirty South: A Tribute to Drive-By Truckers after discovering that both acts are playing tonight in Chattanooga.

“Sometimes an imitation can be as good as or even better than the original. Think about almond milk, or fake boobs,” said local resident Carl Krookstrand. “The Dirty South is kind of like fake boobs squirting almond milk, which is pretty awesome if you ask me.”

“The beauty of tribute bands is that they play what the fans want to hear: the hits,” said local music fan Bethany Luberno. “Many current bands are sick of playing the hits and concentrate on new material, but who wants that? I just want to hear the music that I listened to during my formative years, and nothing else. Innovation is overrated.”

Local venues have made a pact to increase the number of tribute band events so that at least 75% of all shows will be tribute shows.

“We’ve got 10,000 Days: A Tool Tribute, Black Jacket Symphony playing Tom Petty’s ‘Damn the Torpedoes,’ Rain: A Tribute to the Beatles, Nirvanna: A Tribute to Nirvana, and SunSap: A Tribute to Cage the Elephant coming up in town, but it’s not enough,” said local promoter Samuel Pertsky.

“We need local bands to become tribute bands that play the music of other local acts, too,” said Pertsky. “I, myself, would love to hear a Norman Blake tribute act called Norman Fake, or maybe a tribute band called ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Strung Like a Horse!'”

Adding to the surprise announcement, it was just revealed that an additional band would also open for The Dirty South, called “Heathens: A Tribute to The Dirty South: A Tribute to Drive-By Truckers” which plays the music of Drive-By Truckers in the style of the Drive-By Truckers cover band The Dirty South.

Drive-By Truckers (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/fQtPtp)

New Miller Park praised for pavement, lack of shade

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Chattanooga residents raved with delight about the newly redesigned Miller Park, which officially opened today, citing features including its white-brick pavement and lack of shade from the sun.

“There isn’t as much tree coverage as before, but you know what? Screw trees,” said resident Kelly Altmink. “And people who want to sit in the shade on a hot, sunny day like today are just pussies.”

“When I think of the word ‘park’ this is exactly the picture that pops into my mind: a big, flat area of grass surrounded by pavement and a covered stage and some rampy stone thingies,” said Altmink.

“The beauty of the new Miller Park is just exquisite,” said Altmink while slowly nodding his head. “Exquisite.”

Blackburn, Bredesen agree to debate about soccer team names

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After plans had fizzled out regarding a possible October 1 debate in Chattanooga, U.S. Senate race candidates Marsha Blackburn and Phil Bredesen finally agreed to an impromptu Chattanooga debate yesterday as long as the topic was limited to selecting a name for the new Chattanooga Pro Soccer team.

“Dear God, can we all agree that all of these names are pretty horrible?” said Blackburn. “I mean, Express? Generals? Ironhorses? Red Wolves? Sporting Chattanooga? Are you fucking kidding me?”

“This is the one and only topic in which we are in total agreement,” said Bredesen. “The shit is weak.”

“Why should the public vote on this? This is democracy at its worst,” said Blackburn, with Bredesen nodding his head.

“It’s like a kick in the balls, pun intended,” said Bredesen.

Online voting on the Chattanooga Pro Soccer website ends today.

Panhandlers eagerly awaiting re-opening of Miller Park

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Members of the local chapter of the panhandling union (Panhandlers Local Union 58008) are eagerly anticipating the grand opening of Miller Park on September 14 after undergoing renovations for the last year.

“It’s been a rough year,” said local panhandler Coots McGooligan. “Most of us had to disperse and hang out in other areas, like the benches at Market and 7th, or across the street from Warehouse Row at 12th and Market.”

“We’re ready to take over Miller Park, to share our vivid stories of misfortune,” said McGooligan. “It’s Miller time!”

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