Dirk Savage

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IRONMAN officials begin clearing roadways with high-speed bulldozers

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In preparation for yet another IRONMAN triathlon this Sunday, event officials have begun the task of clearing every city and surrounding area roadway of cars and people using high-speed bulldozers.

Sources say the local emergency notification system will issue a directive for all non-IRONMAN participants to stay indoors until every athlete has completed the course. Police and military will be on high alert for those who even attempt to go on a roadway.

“Chattanooga citizens must realize that when the IRONMAN comes to town, literally nothing and no one else matters anymore,” explained IRONMAN spokesman Todd Runnerman. “We have even armed speedboats with fish catapults to clear out the waterways.”

Andy Berke becomes U.S. Secretary of the Treasury after judo chopping Steven Mnuchin behind a dumpster

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After luring United States Secretary of the Treasury Steven Mnuchin behind a Washington DC dumpster and performing a judo chop to knock him out, look-a-like and Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke has assumed Mnuchin’s position.

Experts believe the string of events started after Andy Berke’s wife Monique Berke posted an Instagram photo of her coming off a direct flight from Chattanooga to DC while bragging about clothing and accessories purchased from Warehouse Row.

“Being a doppelganger is one easy way to further your political career,” explained Berke, while wiping Mnuchin’s blood from his hands.

John Wise begins 900 room apartment construction on site of recently denounced Confederate cemetery

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After Mayor Berke announced the city of Chattanooga would renounce the Confederate Cemetery on East Third Street, Developer John Wise announced he has already begun erecting a 900 room apartment complex. The construction began just days after many cities throughout the United States began removing Confederate monuments from public spaces.

Experts are claiming people shouldn’t get too upset about the new apartments as its low-quality construction probably won’t allow it to last as long as the civil war did.

“What people hate more than dead Confederate soldiers is the lack of more apartments,” explained Wise. “I also have plans in the works to build a statue of me on top of a pile of demolished historical buildings.”

Mojo Buritto fires Roy Exum

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After his controversial article about Charlottesville and its mayor, local columnist and year user of AOL in the year, 2017 Roy Exum announced he has been fired by Mojo Burrito. The termination came just days after Mojo Burrito owner Eve Williams let go of an employee who openly supported white supremacist cartoons and attended a rally last Saturday.

“Our company does not support those who look to place the actions of the alt-right on others, especially those who may or may not work here,” explained Mojo Burrito owner Eve Williams.

“I didn’t know a snowflake woman owner could fire me from a place I didn’t know I worked,” explained Exum.

First of Fifteen new digital billboards erected in Miller Park

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Due to the massive, overwhelming response to the new digital billboard on Market Street, the first of the fifteen planned digital billboards was installed at Miller Park this afternoon.

The new digital signs are reported to consume up to 65% of the $10 million budget for the MLK district makeover.

“Through numerous polls, we have concluded that visitors just want to be over advertised to,” explained Miller Park renovation spokesmen Jeffrey Bradley. “The next phase may include another 15-story apartment high-rise in the spot of a group of former picnic tables.”

Toby Keith cancels Riverbend performance to join Church of Urth

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Just hours before his performance at the 2017 Riverbend Festival, country music star Toby Keith announced plans to cancel the gig and join the Church of Urth. Sources say the newly formed church has cleared a path for Keith’s tour buses to pull into their some to be evicted home at the Mercy Junction.

Experts believe the Church will take refuge in one of Keith’s many tour buses, where they will continue to post their weird cult-like videos with backing tracks by Toby Keith kicking non-Urth believer ass for America.

“We’ll put a completely asinine mythical belief up your ass, it’s the Urth way,” explained Church of Urth lay leader/country music star Toby Keith.

Bryan College President Stephen Livesay forcing faith and family night performers to sign statement of belief

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While acts were arriving for Riverbend’s annual Faith and Family night, Bryan College President Stephen Livesay was spotted forcing artists so sign a statement of belief, an act he was highly scrutinized for some years ago.

Sources say Livesay quickly approached headliner Crowder as he arrived at the festival grounds, who became so startled that his trucker hat flew into the river.

“The representatives of Christian music should be 100% committed to Christianity and 0% to Satan,” explained Livesay.”The only evolution here should be from the keyboard to the keytar.”

Bessie Smith descendants recall her favorite hipster craft beer bars during Strut

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While hundreds crowd Martin Luther King Jr Boulevard for Riverbend’s Bessie Smith Strut, descendants of the late Chattanooga singer reflect of her favorite hipster craft beer spots.

Reporters caught up with Smith’s descendants as they enjoyed the Strut’s fried chicken offerings while surrounded by a group of drunk caucasians.

“When Bessie wasn’t chomping down on a 5 lb turkey leg or a stick of deep-fried butter wrapped in a funnel cake, she was enjoying a refreshing small batch IPA by a local microbrewery,” explained Bessie Smiths great great great nephew, Nessie Smith.

Singing man shocks Riverbend Festival attendees with profanity-ridden performance (NOT REAL)

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During his Saturday night performance at the 2017 Riverbend Festival, former Eagles member song singing man sent attendances home shocked and upset with his profanity-laced lyrics. All of this happened just an hour before the 9:30 headliner Ludacris took the stage with his family friendly show.

The night began to take a turn for Riverbend attendees after man’s rendition of Hotel California included the lines “Welcome to the h*llhole that is Hotel California, such a shi**y place, and I will f**k your face.”

The night became even more obscene after manguy brought out former Riverbend performer and now banned Cee Lo Green, who began to vulgarly trash former Eagles members, Don Henley and Glenn Frey, then proceeded to paint the River Gorge Explorer gold.

(edited for cease and desist)

Downtown digital billboard to air only Times Free Press digital reports

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To appease the massive amount of fans for the new giant digital billboard downtown and the Chattanooga Times Free Press’ digital reporting videos, a representative from Fairway Outdoor Advertising announced plans to merge the two local favorites into one. Soon, commuters traveling on Market Street will be able to stay informed with 600sqft of pure LED digital reporting straight from the TFP.

“We have our finger on the pulse of what is popular with the Chattanooga market,” explained Fairway Outdoor Spokesman Brandon Snipes. “What our fingers tell us that people love giant blinding digital billboards and endless heartfelt digital news reporting.”

Sources believe a portal may form when inevitably a live report about the new billboard airs on the web and the billboard. Experts believe the portal will create a telepathic channel to Harrison Keely, who will mysteriously appear with longer hair overnight.

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