Dirk Savage

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BREAKING: O’Charley’s announces multiple downtown restaurant takeover for Saint Patrick’s Day

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Citing a lack of authenticity in the area, famous restaurant chain O’Charley’s announced it will a do a restaurant takeover of multiple downtown eateries for tonight’s Saint Patrick’s Day celebrations. Patrons will see HIP spots such as the Honest Pint and Bitter Alibi have their menus wholly taken over with O’Charley’s items for tonight.

“We really do fail in comparison to the real spirit of the Irish that is O’Charley’s,” explained Honest Pint owner Pat O’Honestman.

“You can now drunkenly stumble to any downtown restaurant for some delicious potato soup, chicken fingers, or Irish favorite Coors Lite,” exclaimed O’Charley’s master of ceremonies Todd O’Irish.”

Chattanooga man starting to believe Chattanooga Chuck full of shit

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After almost a week of 70 degree plus high temperatures, Chattanooga resident Sylvester Kimble announced he is starting to distrust Groundhog Chattanooga Chucks forecasting abilities. The announcement comes just weeks after Chattanooga Chuck saw his shadow and predicted six more weeks of winter.

Experts believe Mr. Kimble may have missed the memo saying that a groundhog cannot accurately predict the weather, especially since Chattanooga Chuck is a groundhog.

“Chattanooga Chuck is fake news and full of shit,” explained Kimble. “From now on I’m gonna wear my cut off jeans and only listen to Paul.”

Local man spends first Valentine’s Day alone since Puss n Boots demolition

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Today is a sad day for local Chattanooga man Alan Randall as he spends his first Valentine’s Day alone since the demolition of the Puss n Boots Adult entertainment club.

Randall, who was a frequent visitor to the Adult club, made a yearly tradition of spending every Valentine’s day with a group of ladies he truly believed he shared a connection.

“I would bring my girls Destiny Summer and Vanity Safire chocolates every Valentines, while still making it rain hundreds of dollars on them,” explained a teary-eyed Randalls. “I feel like true love died with that asbestos-filled cockroach-ridden building.”

EPB eyes possible rate increase to pay for larger Chattanooga Market bags

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While gearing up for the 2018 Chattanooga Market, EPB announced it might increase rates to pay for new and improved labeled blue bags that have become a staple of the popular weekend event. Starting this spring, customers of EPB Fiber Optics may see a line item increase of a few cents, but experts agree the cost is worth it for the ability to haul around a more sizable variety of artisanal goods at the Chattanooga Market.

“More EPB bag space equals more locally grown Kale,” explained EPB Chief Bag Executive Cliff Powerman. “We listen to our customers and hear their cries for more channels, more internet speed, and more room to haul around dream catchers or a painted piece of plywood.”

Amazon passes up East Ridge for HQ2

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After much deliberation by Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, it was unfortunately announced that East Ridge would not be on the list to get Amazon’s second headquarters.

The heartbreaking news was delivered by East Ridge Mayor Earl Ridge to its citizens as they tearfully retreated into the cities variety of pawn shops, title pawn shops, adult stores, and abandoned buildings.

“The thought of being within a mile or so of Bass Pro shop, fast food chain restaurants, and a park that constantly floods sounds fantastic, but we have decided to pass on building HQ2 in East Ridge at this time,” explained Bezos in a call to Mayor Ridge. “We will keep you in mind when we reach HQ643523 or so.”

Trump names The Brian Joyce as his favorite Twitter account

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After viewing a series of shitty posts towards peers by a local Chattanooga radio personality, President Donald Trump announced he has named The Brian Joyce his favorite twitter account.

Experts believe Joyce might secretly be someone’s creepy uncle, complete with skewed political views, but way into Starbucks and massive amounts of kale due to some internal malfunction. This and way overblown narcissism is what many believe brought the account to Trump’s attention.

“The way he blows himself with self-written biographies and use of the word pussy makes me poop tweet even harder at 4:00 in the morning,” explained Trump. “What’s even better is the way he regurgitates the same days old liberal talking points, but in a way that sounds like he came up with them. I don’t even have to look at multiple places to get my material. Truly big league!”

Harrison Keely not selected as sexiest male alive once again

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In a decision many saw as somewhat heartbreaking, former Chattanooga news personality Harrison Keely once again failed to be named sexiest male alive. 

Formerly the online news producer for the Chattanooga Times Free Press, Keely moved to Las Vegas where he believed chances of becoming the sexiest man alive would be much higher. 

“What you need to know for today is it’s just not fair, but there’s always next calendar year,” explained Keely, while removing his Vegas showgirl attire.

“From all the pictures I’ve seen of him on my phone, I was sure he would take home the grand prize” explained new Times Free Press online personality Lesley Dale. “It was troubling the number of skin moisturizers and stabbed pictures of Blake Shelton I had to throw away from his old desk.”

New Chattanooga Realtor mistakenly takes promotional picture in front of Olgiati Bridge

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After being drawn to Chattanooga by excessive internet speeds and overpriced gentrified real estate, newly licensed real estate agent, Chad Mullmens released his first promotional photo in front of the Olgiati Bridge. Such a choice for photo location has been called questionable by other seasoned Chattanooga realtors.

“I heard that Chattanooga has fantastic bridges for almost Shutterstock-like backdrops and this was the first one I saw,” explained Mullmens. “I’ve even started a “10 things to do in Chattanooga” blog post based on the Olgiati Bridge.”

“He’ll never close on more than one or two three-hundred thousand former crack houses with that sort of promotional picture,” explained Chattanooga relator Mark Hite. “He could have at least photoshopped in the aquarium or incline.”

Times Free Press lays off newspaper printing press

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In an effort to adapt to new technology or something, the Chattanooga Times Free press announced it has eliminated 35 positions. Included in the layoffs was the newspapers printing press, which was just purchased in 2014.

Sources it may take months for the printing press to vacate the building, as the people who would take it apart were laid off as well.

“We just knew the future was in physical media and that’s why we invested $6.4 million into a new paper press just three years ago,” explained Times Free Press representative Stephen Scotts, while moving his personal belongings into a cardboard box.

“Hopefully the press can find work elsewhere, like printing property available signs for John Wise or physical copies of the Chattanooga Bystander.”

BREAKING: Poo poo face Trump bans doody head Corker from White House adult day care center

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After an exchange of strongly worded tweets between President Trump and Congressman Bob Corker, Trump announced he had banned Corker from attending the White House adult day care, just before residents were about to be given their daily treat of Activia yogurt snacks.

“SAD that Corker has to be such a fart breath turd burglar to me, especially since we were such great playtime/campaign buddies in the past,” explained Trump. “He will NEVER get back his School House Rocks VHS copy of how a bill becomes law, believe me!”

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