Dirk Savage

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Unopposed loses big once again in area elections

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As polls closed this evening for elections around the Tennessee Valley, supporters of candidate Unopposed were once again left with their hearts broken. Supporters of Unopposed are blaming the mainstream media for not giving candidate Unopposed equal speaking time.

“It’s freaking bullshit that the powers that be don’t allow Unopposed to participate in any of them talkin’ debates,” explained Unopposed supporter, Terry Danker. “Unopposed fights for the real issues, like stopping chemtrails over the Bass Pro Shop and making Riverbend a three-month mandatory event!”

“We have yet to find and close the loophole that allows candidate Unopposed to run for multiple seats at once,” explained Hamilton County Election commision spokeswoman Judy Davis, when asked why this keeps happening.

Sources say candidate Unopposed decided to call all races just as polls were opening.

“I was awoken this morning from a call by candidate Unopposed saying they are conceding the race to me,” explained Tennessee District 30 Democratic candidate Joda Thongnopnua. “Kudos to election officials for quickly removing the checkbox for candidate Unopposed from the ballot.”

 

Soccer fans welcome new homegrown team with open arms!

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After the announcement of a new Chattanooga professional Soccer league was coming to the area, hundreds of CFC fans announced their support for the new association with arms wide open. It was reported that not one Chattahooligan or gamegoer has a single issue with the newly announced team.

“I cannot wait to watch the exciting local action that our Chattanooga Pro Soccer team will have to offer while enjoying a refreshing Miller Lite® and sizzling fajitas from a new Chattanooga eatery TGI Fridays®, explained local Soccer fan Steven Russells from Ohio, who has never been to Chattanooga.

“I am so excited for the new team that I have spray painted CPS on my bass drum and tattooed it on BOTH ass cheeks,” explained Chattahooligan Todd Williams.

Every area CEO without a vehicle after employees begin walking to work

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After a Chattanooga startup’s CEO gave his car to a new employee who walked 20 miles to his first shift, a multitude of other area business employees took note and began making long commutes to work in hopes to land their boss’ vehicles. The chain of events caused a shortage of CEOs with a motorized form of transportation

“My 23-mile walk from the other side of Lookout Mountain scored me a low mile 2016 Toyota Highlander,” explained area bank teller Mark Smith. “You would think her salary would allow for the seat cooling upgrade.”

“I’m the Marshall, and I’m fresh out of daily commuters here at Marshall Mize Ford,” exclaimed Marshall Mize Ford owner Marshall Mize. Come see the Marshall as I tag along with my other employees and walk to work.”

Satan opens up portal next to Broad Street Walgreens in hopes to score some good drugs

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In an effort to score some great earthling medications, resident Hell spokesman Satan opened up a sinkhole right next to the Broad Street Walgreens with a path directly to his lair. 

Sources a new loophole in the system has caused freshly deceased hell bound souls to leave any sort of prescription medications on earth while departing for the lake of fire. 

“You may dispose of any sensitive HIPPA information in a designated bin, but please send the good shit down to me,” explained Satan. “It’s hard keeping focused with all these fresh souls, so send down some Adderall ASAP.”

Great Clips plane offering fly-by haircuts at Riverbend

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In an effort to streamline air advertising and hairstyling services, Great Clips announced its famous Riverbend banner equipt airplane will now fly low enough to deliver haircuts from its propellors.

The company will offer deals on some of its most popular hairstyles, such as the bowl cut and the “may I speak to a manager” style.

“I was able to enjoy live music and receive a trim to my mullet, all from the comfort of my folding chair” explained Riverbend attendee Randy Panker.

So far there has only been one to two decapitations, but experts believe that is the price you must pay for a Great Clip.

Vodka mistakenly served instead of Holy Water during Riverbend’s Faith and Family night

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In what some are calling an error of biblical proportions, drink vendors during Riverbend’s Faith and Family night served festival-goers Vodka instead of the usual holy water on the sacred rocks.

Experts on the matter believe there should be no cause for alarm as both liquids lead those who partake to Jesus anyway.

“I am shocked and appalled that Friends of the Festival would allow my unvaccinated son to drink the devil’s juice instead of the blood of the lamb while he sees Switchfeet or whatever,” explained Riverbend attendee Deborah Smith. “They could have at least had the vodka blessed!”

“Don’t worry, I have blessed it,” explained Father Basil Marceaux.

Few remaining open roads in downtown Chattanooga to be closed by next Friday

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After months of road work causing closures on many streets in downtown Chattanooga, a representative from the City of Chattanooga’s transportation department announced plans to go ahead and shut down the remaining roads by next Friday. Sources say the closures have caused headaches for many downtown commuters, and some have even resorted to driving on bike lanes more than they usually would.

“Commuters will be advised to take alternative routes, such as driving thru the Tennesee River or by parachuting from a passing plane,” explained a City of Chattanooga transportation department spokesman. “We hope to have every street reopened in about six months after Riverbend ends, just to keep things a nice pain in the ass.”

Chattanooga Airport announces safer non-stop catapult service to Florida

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After an airline known for its low-cost direct flights from Chattanooga to Flordia came under scrutiny for having a high number of in-flight breakdowns, a representative from the Chattanooga Metropolitan Airport announced new and safer direct catapult flights from the Gig City to the Sunshine State.

Sources say the new service will begin as soon as the Airport hires a full-time medievally trained staff.

“No need to worry about multiple engine failures or overpriced baggage fairs since you’ll probably lose your luggage anyway,” explained CHA Airport spokesman Richard Allegianson. “Some passengers may experience even more savings if you land directly in Disney World,”

 

Chattanooga area young woman takes graduation photos of concealed art in her pants outside of Shooters Depot

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While most young women take their graduation outside of Bluff View art district or other Pinterest inspired locations, 26-year-old UTC graduate Shelly Wilson released a new photoshoot of her concealing artwork outside of the recently burned Shooters Depot in Chattanooga. Miss Wilson hopes her unique views will help her picture go viral and cause a stink on all sorts of social networking sites.

“I just want the world to know that I love Satan, shoving artwork in my pants, and hanging outside places that have recently caught fire,” explained Wilson. “I don’t take normal graduation photos, and Shooters Depot did not have a policy on bringing artwork into their store.”

Chattanooga Bystander’s fifth annual Taco and Tequila event receives terrible reviews

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To celebrate their fifth anniversary, the Chattanooga Bystander threw it’s annual Taco and Tequila festival, which was met with unsurprisingly terrible reviews.

Sources say once the doors opened, attendees were somehow greeted with long lines, tacos cooked on the ground in short supply, lack of toilet paper in the restrooms, another $80 charge, and subpar face painting.

“I asked for tequila and was given a Gatorade bottle filled with what could possibly be kerosene topped with a rotten lime,” explained attendee Randall Randallson.

“We had a great time and had lots of delicious tacos and tequila,” posted Facebook user Kirk Ravage to the event page.

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