IRONMAN officials begin clearing roadways with high-speed bulldozers

In preparation for yet another IRONMAN triathlon this Sunday, event officials have begun the task of clearing every city and surrounding area roadway of cars and people using high-speed bulldozers.

Sources say the local emergency notification system will issue a directive for all non-IRONMAN participants to stay indoors until every athlete has completed the course. Police and military will be on high alert for those who even attempt to go on a roadway.

“Chattanooga citizens must realize that when the IRONMAN comes to town, literally nothing and no one else matters anymore,” explained IRONMAN spokesman Todd Runnerman. “We have even armed speedboats with fish catapults to clear out the waterways.”

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