Food/Drink - Page 5

Taco Bell introduces “Burger Taco” to Chattanooga test market

Taco Bell's new "Burger Taco" (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source, left photo:
Taco Bell’s new “Burger Taco” (Left photo used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

One month ago, the fast food Tex-Mex restaurant Taco Bell introduced a breakfast taco, consisting of a U-shaped waffle filled with eggs and sausage, to test markets including Chattanooga, and now, in a similar manner, it has unveiled a new product in the Scenic City.

The new menu item, called the Burger Taco, is currently available city-wide, and it features a new twist on a familiar favorite.

“First, we take a fluffy bun made of harina blanca, and add a carne picada patty,” said Taco Bell spokesperson Sally Mittelvander. “Top it with lettuce, cheese and salsa catsup, and you’ve got the Burger Taco.”

“Oh, who are we kidding?” said Mittelvander. “It is just a regular hamburger, but folded in half.”

“After the Breakfast Taco, we have given up on even trying to have any reasonable semblance of Mexican cuisine in our menu items,” said Mittelvander. “It hardly matters, though, since the public will pretty much buy anything we put out there, no matter how insulting, ridiculous or disgusting.”

Mittelvander mentioned plans for a “Dessert Burrito,” consisting of tapioca pudding and gummi bears enclosed in a fruit roll-up.


Local man commemorates 50th anniv. of MLK’s “Dream” speech by eating shrimp at Lamar’s

Lamar's Restaurant on MLK Blvd.
Lamar’s Restaurant on MLK Blvd.

Fifty years ago today, Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. delivered his immortal “I Have a Dream” speech as part of the March on Washington, and Chattanooga resident, UTC senior and lacrosse team goalie Preston Maxwell Rawlings III commemorated the occasion by eating enormous fried shrimp at the MLK Blvd. restaurant Lamar’s.

“Thank you, Rev. King,” said Rawlings, after devouring a giant shrimp and taking a sip of a stiff whiskey sour. “I salute you.”

“I just felt like I had to stand in solidarity with my figurative brothers and sisters, here on MLK Blvd. on this special day,” said Rawlings, after feeding the jukebox in order to play the entirety of Prince’s 1984 album Purple Rain. “Racism really really sucks.”


Obama halts anti-obesity “Let’s Move!” campaign after visit to Bea’s

"Let's Move!" logo
“Let’s Move!” logo

During a long lunch at the beloved Chattanooga southern home-cooking buffet restaurant Bea’s, President Barack Obama announced that he was going to ask the First Lady Michelle Obama to end her “Let’s Move!” campaign, which she started in 2010 to fight obesity and promote healthy eating.

Bea’s Restaurant on Dodds Avenue, a local favorite since 1950 and dining destination popular with truckers, offers an unusual type of buffet by serving customers family-style at circular tables each with a lazy Susan, onto which the servers continuously place fresh bowls of food for as long as the customers are willing to eat.

“The beauty of this idea,” said Obama with a mouthful of potato salad, “is that when you think you’ve had so much that you can’t even stand up to get more food, the servers just bring the food right to you. You don’t have to move an inch.”

“That’s American ingenuity for you,” said Obama, whose lips were covered with barbeque sauce. “‘More mac and cheese,’ I said!”

Regarding putting an end to the “Let’s Move!” campaign, Obama said, “I just can’t imagine denying a child unlimited amounts of this sweet, sweet peach cobbler.”

“Moving is so overrated,” said Obama, who had become noticeably rotund during the three-hour binge. “Maybe Michelle can just change ‘Let’s Move!’ to ‘Let’s Roll!’ or something.”

Bea's Restaurant
Bea’s Restaurant


Foodies rejoice: Artisanal meth comes to Chattanooga

Artisanal crystal meth
Artisanal crystal meth

Without a doubt, eating well has become a more prominent cultural pursuit for people of all ages over the last decade, with a rapidly growing movement of so-called “foodies” eager to share new gastronomical discoveries using online social networks and blogs, and Chattanooga has done its best to keep up with more populous urban locales, boasting purveyors of world-class artisanal cheese, bread, chocolate and other foodstuffs.

Hand-crafted libations such as whiskey, beer and wine have also found a home in Chattanooga and surrounding areas, and those willing to skirt the law have enjoyed locally made flavored moonshine and similar spirits.

Now, local foodies have another reason to rejoice with the arrival of artisanal crystal meth, for discriminating connoisseurs of intoxicants who are no longer satisfied with mass-produced Mexican meth or hastily made motel-room or backwoods trailer ice.

The founder of Chattanooga Crank, Kelsey Idovah, explained to The Chattanooga Bystander that meticulous care goes into every step of the cooking process, with exacting standards.

“We use only the finest raw ingredients that are locally sourced, whenever possible,” said Idovah. “Instead of meth cooked in some filthy roach-motel bathtub with loads of impurities, imagine some crystal-clear sparkle that was produced in a Beverly Hills mansion swimming pool.”

While crystal meth may be injected, true connoisseurs choose to smoke or snort their twack, and Chattanooga Crank offers a variety of inventive flavors.

“This one is dense and lithe, with notes of cedar and boysenberry,” said Idovah while stroking his chin, after taking a long hit. “Mmm. I also taste pomegranate, mineral and just a hint of Bartlett pear.”

“I love the floral notes on this one,” said Idovah, after tweaking another variety of Chattanooga Crank. “There’s a balsamic-tinged acidity and accents of dried cherry, with a snappy finish. Magnificent.”

“There’s no need to chase that white dragon down to Atlanta or Nashville,” said Idovah, who was now shaking uncontrollably. “We’ve got top-quality artisanal meth for you, right here in Chattanooga.”

Tennessee Aquarium Announces Opening of Recycled Seafood Restaurant


In an effort to further advocate Chattanooga’s green movement, Tennessee Aquarium officials announced plans to open a seafood restaurant within the coming months.

After admitting deceased animals were ultimately being tossed into the Tennessee River, Aquarium officials have decided to make use of the dead animals by deep frying and serving them within a 2000 sq. ft. restaurant near the building’s gift shop.

“We know that a majority of visitors have their own favorite animal attraction at the Aquarium,” said Aquarium spokesman Jeffrey Marcus. “We believe the ability to chow down on a past visit’s favorite shark, penguin, and/or stingray in a battered and deep fried state, will be an experience that can’t be passed up.

800px-TennesseeaquariumExperts believe this new form of “green” recycling of food trend will pick up at other popular Chattanooga attractions, such as the Chattanooga Zoo opening a fine dining steak house in the coming months.

“We’re proud to announce that all catches served will be fresh from local sources,” said new head master chef Jerrim Bodling. “Guests can expect tasty local menu items, such as carp from Lake Winnepesaukah and radioactive catfish from our very own river sources.”

Officials hope the idea of a fully recycled menu will entice customers to visit the new seafood restaurant. “We’re going green on the whole shebang,” said Marcus, “right down to the unfiltered infant tainted drinking water sourced from the stream out front.”


Chattanooga Community Kitchen Announces Partnership with Ruth’s Chris Steak House


In a press release by Chattanooga Community Kitchen spokesmen Kenneth Tillman, it was announced that the areas homeless shelter and food kitchen has formed a partnership with the newly opened high class-dining establishment, Ruth’s Chris Steak House.

ruthchrisfoodkitckenPlans for the partnership include a school bus shuttle from the Community Kitchens Downtown location to the front door of the new Hamilton Place area restaurant. Folding tables and chairs will be mixed among the custom high dollar seating and eating arrangements that currently occupy the fine restaurant. Patrons will also be given the opportunity to obtain a free or reduced price stay at the adjacent Embassy Suites hotel.

“We believe this is a great opportunity for our place of fine dining to give back to our new community”, said Chattanooga Ruth’s Chris Steak House General Manager Theodore Mason. “We hope to see no forthcoming issues with the intermingling of our multi-millionaire and business customers with those who normally call a cardboard box home.”

With the announcement comes an array of new menu items for the restaurant, including: Short-Rib chopped steak, found potato, Parmesan government cheese, and Vanilla Wafers.

“This is great news in the journey to bridge the gap between the very needy and very wealthy in our area”, said Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke. “I hope we see other fine establishments, such as downtowns Porters Steakhouse, to follow suit.”

Paula Deen buys Sluggo’s Vegetarian Café

Paula Deen (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Paula Deen (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

The embattled celebrity Southern-cooking chef Paula Deen, who has recently endured widespread criticism for admitting to using a racial slur in the past, is seeing her empire slowly crumble, having her TV show “Paula’s Home Cooking” dropped by the Food Network and endorsement deals severed with Smithfield Foods and Wal-Mart, among others.

However, Deen has wasted no time in rebuilding her empire with a new plan for strategically purchasing beloved restaurants in the American South and re-branding them under Deen’s name, and the first acquisition, announced Friday afternoon at a press conference, was the Cherokee Blvd. restaurant Sluggo’s North Vegetarian Café.

“Hoo boy, I tell you what!” said Deen’s brother and appointed executive restaurant manager Earl “Bubba” Hiers to a crowd of reporters. “I reckon I’m happier than a possum in a corncrib, about this here restaurant.”

Hiers explained that Sluggo’s North Vegetarian Café would be renamed “Paula’s Sluggo’s Omnivorous Café” to accurately reflect the more diverse menu, which will now include dairy and meat products in addition to restaurant features such as Paula’s Self-serve Butter Bar and Paula’s Unlimited Butter Bowl.

“If you have a hankerin’ for some real daggum breakfast food, try our hoecakes and southern omelets, fixed with all whites if you prefer,” said Hiers. “Or for dessert, have some of Paula’s famous Brown Betty. Our food tastes so good you’ll wanna slap your grandma, I tell you what.”

Responding to a reporter’s question about whether or not the restaurant will still feature vegan dishes, Hiers bellowed out with a smile, “Get thee behind me, seitan!” garnering chuckles from the crowd.

“Now I know some of you might have diabeetus like my sister and are looking for more healthy chow,” said Hiers, before describing the new “Strange Fruit” juice bar, the “half butter” option for certain entrées and doses of insulin available à la carte.

Paula’s Sluggo’s Omnivorous Café will also offer angioplasties performed onsite.

Hiers mentioned that the downstairs music venue will remain open, and next month’s re-opening of the restaurant and venue will feature his country/hip-hop group Crackaz Wit Butta.
Sluggo's Vegetarian Cafe (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Sluggo’s Vegetarian Cafe (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:


Little Debbie commemorates 175th anniversary of Cherokee removal with “Trail Mix of Tears”

Trail Mix of Tears
Trail Mix of Tears

Known as part of the “Trail of Tears,” the forced removal of Cherokee people from the Southeast to the Indian Territory west of the Mississippi River began in May 1838, with this year marking its 175th anniversary.

While this was a regrettable episode in American history which resulted in an estimated 4,000 deaths of Cherokee people, the Collegedale, Tenn.-based McKee Foods Corporation, the parent company of the snack-food brand Little Debbie, is making it a little more delicious with the introduction of a limited-run snack product, “Trail Mix of Tears,” to commemorate the Cherokee removal.

At a press conference yesterday afternoon at Ross’s Landing—one of the notable Trail of Tears departure points bearing the name of Principal Chief John Ross of the Cherokee Nation—McKee Foods spokesperson Abel Hehnley introduced the new product, accompanied by a Little Debbie lookalike, wearing a Native American headdress instead of the straw hat seen in the brand’s logo.

“We must never forget the Trail of Tears, which was undeniably a dark moment in the fabric of our rich history,” said Hehnley, “and what better way to remember than with this scrumptious new snack food.”

“Whether you’re on a nature hike on Lookout Mountain or participating in a thousand-mile death march, Little Debbie’s Trail Mix of Tears will give you a boost of energy with a delectable mixture of fruit, nuts, beef jerky bits, seeds and maple and chocolate candy pieces,” said Hehnley. “We know you’ll love our new spin on pemmican, the Native American food.”

Free samples were handed out at the press conference, with the product’s packaging bearing a likeness of John Ross standing at Ross’s Landing with an outstretched hand, holding chocolate chunks, cashews and banana chips.

The reception of the new snack food was generally positive, with one attendee overheard as saying, “Genocide has never tasted so good!”

Coolidge Park fountains to spray guacamole for Cinco de Mayo

Coolidge Park fountain (Used under the CC-BY-ND-2.0 license. Source:
Coolidge Park fountain (Used under the CC-BY-ND-2.0 license. Source:
To promote multi-culturalism, the Chattanooga Department of Parks and Recreation announced yesterday afternoon at a press conference that this Sunday, the 5th of May, celebrated as the holiday Cinco de Mayo, the fountains at Coolidge Park on the North Shore would spray guacamole instead of the usual water.

“Cinco de Mayo is a celebration of freedom and democracy for both Mexicans and Americans, and what better way to commemorate this occasion than by showering our frolicking children with this delicious, verdant green foodstuff,” said Cassie Pellingham, the director of the Department of Parks and Recreation.

Pellingham explained that this idea was partially inspired by the decades-old Chicago tradition of dyeing the Chicago River green in observance of St. Patrick’s Day, and in 2009, even the First Lady Michelle Obama suggested that the water in the White House fountains be dyed green for that holiday.

“When people think of Cinco de Mayo, most folks think of obnoxious party-goers over-indulging in nachos with questionable white cheese dip and cheaply made sangria. But when I think of Cinco de Mayo, I think about freedom, tolerance and abundance, in addition to chihuahua races and novelty sombreros,” said Pellingham.

To symbolize abundance, it was decided to use some sort of liquid foodstuff in the fountains, and there was much debate over what substance to use, Pellingham said.

“First, we thought of using mayo, until someone pointed out that the ‘Mayo’ in ‘Cinco de Mayo’ means the month of May, and not mayonnaise, like most of us had thought,” said Pellingham. “Someone else suggested using salsa, but that was just a ridiculous idea.”

Chattanooga Whiskey Makers decide to keep operations in Indiana


After the historic passing of Bills of 102 and 129 in the Tennessee House and Senate respectively, Chattanooga Whiskey co-founders Joe Ledbetter and Tim Piersent announced they have decided to keep distillery operations in Indiana.

“It’s really due to a variety of reasons” Ledbetter said, “plus, can you imagine the pain in the ass moving a distillery would be?”

The bill passed the Tennessee House and Senate with wide margins, which currently awaits Governor Haslam’s signature.

Distilleries have been illegal in the Chattanooga area due to laws dating back the prohibition era. Many months of debating within Tennessee lawmakers proved to be an emotional rollercoaster for the Whiskey duo. “It was quite the ride! Too bad it really was for nothing,” Piersant laughed.


Photo courtesy of Chattanooga Times Free Press

“Ever since we started this Chattanooga thing, we decided to grow out some facial hair,” Ledbetter grumbled, “it is going to feel great to finally be able to rid our faces of this shit.”

With Chattanooga recently overthrowing Austin, TX as the number one hipster city in the states, Ledbetter saw this as a deterrent. “We all know that hipsters tend to gravitate to the High Lifes and the PBRs. Our high quality product just couldn’t compete with the lower price, and lower taste option,” Ledbetter cried.

When asked about the 30,000 square-foot building the pair were planning to occupy, Piersant replied, “Fuck it! Let it develop into some more expensive apartments or a Red Lobster.”

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