Food/Drink - Page 4

Chattanooga Whiskey founder’s mustache resigns

Chattanooga Whiskey founder's mustache
Chattanooga Whiskey founder’s mustache

The mustache of Joe Ledbetter – best known as the founding mustache of Chattanooga Whiskey – has officially announced its resignation from the Chattanooga Whiskey Company and Tennessee Stillhouse.

In June, the mustache performed field tests of Chattanooga Whiskey and came to the conclusion that “It works!” after being arrested for public intoxication and disorderly conduct, but the mustache said that its resignation was not because of the arrest.

Chattanooga’s most famous mustache said in a prepared statement that it was “time to move on” with new projects including writing a book and helping to organize the Tennessee Whiskey Festival, acknowledging past mistakes and remembering successes, such as helping to change state legislation that had previously banned whiskey distilleries within Chattanooga city limits.

Little Debbie adds competitive eating to Ironman Chattanooga

Ironman competition (Modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:
Ironman competition (Modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:

After officially becoming the title sponsor of the inaugural Chattanooga Ironman competition, snack food company Little Debbie and its parent company McKee Foods announced that it would add a competitive eating section to the race.

“The Ironman triathlon is an institution in the world of athletics,” said Little Debbie spokesperson Samantha Dettus. “And competitive eating is one of the fastest growing sports in the United States, so this new incarnation of the Ironman event is the next step in the inevitable evolution of athletic competitions.”

For the newly enhanced Chattanooga Ironman, competitors will first swim 2.4 miles, bicycle 112 miles, eat two dozen Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies and finally run the length of a marathon, which is 26.2 miles.

This type of race is not unprecedented, with such races as the “Krispy Kreme Challenge” held every year in Raleigh, N.C., where competitors run four kilometers to a Krispy Kreme doughnut shop, eat one dozen glazed doughnuts and run an additional four kilometers to the finish line.

The Little Debbie Ironman Chattanooga will differ from traditional competitive eating events by not disqualifying competitors who experience a “reversal of fortune” – a spontaneous regurgitation of ingested food – and garbage receptacles will be placed along the marathon path in preparation for such occurrences.

Slated to compete at the 2014 Little Debbie Ironman Chattanooga are 2012 Ironman World Championship winner Pete Jacobs from Australia, women’s Ironman Championship course record holder Mirinda Carfrae and that skinny Japanese competitive eater Takeru Kobayashi.

Twenty-seven new Mexican restaurants to open in downtown area

Tacos (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Tacos (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

After the recent opening of three new Mexican restaurants in the vicinity of Miller Plaza – El Macho Taco, Mexiville and the second location of Taqueria Jalisco – it was announced that 27 more Mexican restaurants would open in downtown Chattanooga in the next month.

“This news is a boon for fans of Mexican cuisine like myself,” said resident Cara Helfgott. “Previously, we had to depend on only several dozen Mexican restaurants in the area, like La Altena, Cancun, Ovalle’s, Mojo Burrito in St. Elmo or the various taquerias on Main Street. Or north of the river, Taco Mamacita, Poblano’s, Taconooga, Las Margaritas, El Meson, plus assorted franchises.”

Reportedly, every owner of each of the 27 new Mexican restaurants was completely oblivious to the knowledge that the other restaurants were opening in the same proximity at the same time.

Among the 27 new restaurants to be opening soon are Haught Tamale, Let’s Taco ‘Bout Love, Monsters of Guac, Omnipotent Taco, Sporty Taco, Baby Taco, Posh Taco, Erudite Taco, Pink Taco, Cinco de Cuatro, Burritos As Big As Your Ass, Picnic at Hanging Guac, Persona Non Enchilada, Ceviche Guevara, Juan of Us Gooble Gobble, Rend Your Heart And Nacho Garments (Joel 2:13), Chimichanga’s Revenge, Ye Olde Taqueria, Everything’s a Taco!, Medulla Enchilada and Getting Jalapeno Grill.

Gov. Haslam approves “Death By Chocolate” for executions

Chocolate (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:
Chocolate (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:

On Thursday, Gov. Bill Haslam approved legislation that would permit the alternate execution method of “Death By Chocolate” for death row inmates in the situation where it is not possible to obtain the drugs used for lethal injections.

The law was drafted because of the increasing difficulty that states have been facing regarding obtaining lethal injection drugs, primarily from European pharmaceutical companies, due to the negative attitudes the companies have toward capital punishment.

Anti-death penalty advocates have claimed that the law is unconstitutional and would qualify as being “cruel and unusual punishment.”

“There is nothing cruel about being bathed in rich, creamy milk chocolate,” said Haslam. “Some would call it luxurious, and I can’t think of a more humane – and delicious – way to die.”

The legislation specified that “Death By Chocolate” would not necessarily count as an inmate’s last meal request.

National Socialist Movement plans Bake Sale on the Hamilton County Courthouse Lawn


naziA representative from the National Socialist Movement, a neo-Nazi organization known for its belief in white supremacy and a weird saucy infatuation with Adolf Hitler, announced plans to hold a bake sale on the front lawn of the Hamilton County Courthouse on April 26th.

The Chattanooga visit is part of the organization’s “Bake and Hate” rallies across the continental United States, which celebrate the forgetting of our country being discovered by Native Americans and tasty homemade red velvet cake.

“Our true passion is the love of baking fine pastries and desserts,” said NSM leader Kenneth Whiteman. “It just so happens that we are Jew-hating, Adolf-Hitler-loving neo-Nazis.”

The group hopes delicious treats such as Hot Iron Cross Buns, Swasti-kakes, The Final Sugarlution and White Powder Donuts will sway nay-sayers into looking past their beliefs and enjoying what the bake sale has to offer.

“While my Jewish and human being heritage teaches me that these sorts of people are the lowest pieces of shit scum suckers of the Earth,” said Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke, “I do look forward to getting my paws on some decadent thumbprint cookies in the shape of a Hitler mustache.”

Krystal introduces burger-flavored moonshine

Moonshine still (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Moonshine still (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

The fast-food restaurant chain Krystal, founded in Chattanooga in 1932 and best known for its square-shaped Krystal hamburger sliders, unveiled yesterday its new product: a burger-flavored moonshine.

Krystal was possibly inspired by another Chattanooga-born culinary treat, the Moon Pie, which earlier this year introduced Moon Pie-flavored moonshine, available in vanilla, chocolate and banana-flavored varieties.

Krystal Moonshine will simulate the taste of its famous Krystal burgers, capturing the flavor of hamburger meat, a steamed bun, onions, pickles, mustard and grease, and for the time being, it is only being sold in liquor stores while the company irons out the logistics of selling it at its restaurant locations.

“Our team of test kitchen chefs met up with the finest backwoods hillbilly distillers we could find,” said Krystal CEO Chas McKnutt. “It’s a product that both the discriminating artisanal-liquor-drinking foodie and the unrefined corn-fed hayseed booze-hound will enjoy.”

“The Krystal burger has long been considered the go-to late-night snack for sobering up after a long night of drinking,” said McKnutt. “Now, with Krystal Moonshine, you can experience that classic taste and bowel-lubrication of a Krystal burger while getting tanked, not just recovering from it.”

Councilman Hakeem suggests replacing public transportation with pub-crawl pedal carriages

Yusuf Hakeem (l), Pedal Carriage (r) (Modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:
Yusuf Hakeem (l), Pedal Carriage (r) (Modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:

It has been a turbulent week for Chattanooga City Council Chairman Yusuf Hakeem, whose invitation to a Monday meeting to discuss a possible public voucher program in partnership with Millennium Taxi to augment inner-city transportation was rejected by Transportation Administrator Blythe Bailey.

Bailey declined attending the meeting over concerns that selecting a particular vendor early in the policy discussion might be a violation of city purchasing policies, and Hakeem responded to this by recommending that Bailey’s position be defunded because of “blatant disrespect.”

Hakeem has since radically changed his original proposal, which also included a suggestion to reduce the operating hours of the free downtown shuttle to expand usage of non-free Millennium Taxi rides, and at a press conference yesterday afternoon, Hakeem recommended replacing all public transportation with pub-crawl pedal carriages.

“This is the wave of the future,” said Hakeem. “In recent months, Chattanooga has been blessed with the addition of not one, but two different companies offering pedal-powered carriage tours between local bars and brewpubs, Chattanooga Brew Choo and Pints and Pedals.”

“This is a win-win situation,” said Hakeem. “People will get more exercise, local pubs will get more business, and this is a totally 100% green, environmentally friendly solution.”

Local alcoholics praised Hakeem’s recommendation, which could mean the proliferation of bars throughout the city so that all neighborhoods, churches and schools could be accessible via pub-crawl pedal carriages.

Fleischmann to endorse Mayfield Dairy products

Rep. Chuck Fleischmann
Rep. Chuck Fleischmann

After Scottie Mayfield endorsed 3rd District Congressional Representative Chuck Fleischmann this morning for the upcoming election, despite being rivals in the 2012 election, Fleischmann returned the favor by formally endorsing Mayfield Dairy products.

“Everyone knows that quid pro quo arrangements are how anything gets done in politics,” said Fleischmann, wearing a sweater bearing the Mayfield Dairy Farms logo. “You scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours.”

“There’s nothing like starting the day with a tall glass of delicious, ice cold Mayfield milk,” said Fleischmann. “Look for the yellow jug, which guarantees freshness and quality by blocking harmful light rays.”

“Who can resist a bowl of Mayfield ice cream on a hot summer day? Mmm, mmm,” said Fleischmann, while rubbing his stomach in a circular motion. “My favorite flavor is Butter Pecan, and with all-natural flavors, it’s the classic taste that you grew up with.”

“Sure, you might be thinking that I don’t know a lot about dairy farming, and you’d be right,” said Fleischmann. “Well, Scottie didn’t exactly know a lot about politics, so it’s a fair trade.”

Local pub uses Kickstarter to raise funds to pass health inspection

(Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source:
(Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source:

Last week, local Irish pub Shane MacGowan’s Teeth closed its doors after failing two inspections by the Tennessee Division of General Environmental Health, which cited several critical violations involving food handling practices.

However, the pub has started a crowd-sourcing Kickstarter campaign in order to raise money to pay for renovations in order to pass future health inspections so that it may open for business again.

The Kickstarter campaign hopes to raise $20,000 to fund the changes necessary to allow the restaurant to be compliant with health standards in addition to paying for several unrelated enhancements.

“I can’t wait for us to open our doors again, so all you magnificent freaks, rednecks, creepers, perverts, assholes and shitheads can come back and enjoy our grub,” said pub owner Avery Mountbatter.

“It’s sad that ‘The Man’ is trying to keep us down by making us jump through all these bureaucratic hoops that they claim will keep our customers safe and not suffering from food poisoning and opening the sluices at both ends,” said Mountbatter.

“It’s true that we could theoretically apply for a small business loan or tap into our own private funds,” said Mountbatter. “But with Kickstarter, we have an easy and widely accepted way to essentially beg for money and take advantage of kind and generous people’s goodwill and feeling of fraternal obligation.”

“Never let a good crisis go to waste,” said Mountbatter.

Chattanooga goes wild over new, mediocre restaurant

Adequate burger (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Adequate burger (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

The collective populace of Chattanooga is going completely batshit crazy over the opening of a new chain restaurant which serves common, acceptable food.

Although patrons may expect to wait a minimum of one hour before being seated, that has not deterred any customers from coming and ordering a variety of sandwiches, burgers and fried food.

The restaurant is part of the highly successful B.M.I. Saturday’s franchise which offers standard American casual dining, without any surprises.

“This place isn’t some fancy-pants restaurant that’s trying to show off,” said local customer Harris Kasterson. “It’s not lagging behind, either. It’s right in the middle, the way I like it.”

“I love the chicken fingers,” said Ooltewah resident Andie Prestyn. “They’re pretty much like the chicken strips you can get at McDonald’s, but here they’re served on a plate, which is a nice touch.”

Analysts predict that B.M.I. Saturday’s may soon be Chattanooga’s favorite restaurant, besting both Sushi, Mayo and More and Greasy Italian Restaurant You Only Go To On Birthdays To Take Advantage Of The Free Birthday Meal.