Paula Deen buys Sluggo’s Vegetarian Café

Paula Deen (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Paula Deen (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

The embattled celebrity Southern-cooking chef Paula Deen, who has recently endured widespread criticism for admitting to using a racial slur in the past, is seeing her empire slowly crumble, having her TV show “Paula’s Home Cooking” dropped by the Food Network and endorsement deals severed with Smithfield Foods and Wal-Mart, among others.

However, Deen has wasted no time in rebuilding her empire with a new plan for strategically purchasing beloved restaurants in the American South and re-branding them under Deen’s name, and the first acquisition, announced Friday afternoon at a press conference, was the Cherokee Blvd. restaurant Sluggo’s North Vegetarian Café.

“Hoo boy, I tell you what!” said Deen’s brother and appointed executive restaurant manager Earl “Bubba” Hiers to a crowd of reporters. “I reckon I’m happier than a possum in a corncrib, about this here restaurant.”

Hiers explained that Sluggo’s North Vegetarian Café would be renamed “Paula’s Sluggo’s Omnivorous Café” to accurately reflect the more diverse menu, which will now include dairy and meat products in addition to restaurant features such as Paula’s Self-serve Butter Bar and Paula’s Unlimited Butter Bowl.

“If you have a hankerin’ for some real daggum breakfast food, try our hoecakes and southern omelets, fixed with all whites if you prefer,” said Hiers. “Or for dessert, have some of Paula’s famous Brown Betty. Our food tastes so good you’ll wanna slap your grandma, I tell you what.”

Responding to a reporter’s question about whether or not the restaurant will still feature vegan dishes, Hiers bellowed out with a smile, “Get thee behind me, seitan!” garnering chuckles from the crowd.

“Now I know some of you might have diabeetus like my sister and are looking for more healthy chow,” said Hiers, before describing the new “Strange Fruit” juice bar, the “half butter” option for certain entrées and doses of insulin available à la carte.

Paula’s Sluggo’s Omnivorous Café will also offer angioplasties performed onsite.

Hiers mentioned that the downstairs music venue will remain open, and next month’s re-opening of the restaurant and venue will feature his country/hip-hop group Crackaz Wit Butta.
Sluggo's Vegetarian Cafe (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Sluggo’s Vegetarian Cafe (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:


Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

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