Food/Drink - Page 3

The department store and supermarket chain Walmart began offering wine in its Tennessee stores today in order to let customers dull the pain of having to shop at Walmart.

“This is great news,” said local shopper Blake Wolfhund. “Whenever I shop at Walmart on a Saturday afternoon, after a few minutes of enduring screaming, out-of-control children or fashion atrocities from people who just don’t give a shit about looking presentable, I think to myself, ‘Jesus Christ, I could really use a drink.'”

In conjunction with the wine-sale roll-out, Walmart has offered ideas for unique food pairings involving snack food favorites.

“Some fancy-pants wine shop might have some snooty wine and cheese tasting,” said store manager Dale Misuca. “Instead, we suggest that you try ‘Wine and Cheetos’ or ‘Wine and Cheez-Its’ for a culinary experience on a budget.”

Supermarket chain Food City tested a new grocery delivery service that utilizes hot air balloons earlier today in the Chattanooga region, where it had recently acquired and converted 29 Bi-Lo supermarkets.

This revolutionary new service takes Food City to another level, after it had previously offered its GoCart Curbside Pickup service at select locations in other markets.

Using its online store, customers select items to be delivered and lay out a cushioned, individually numbered landing pad in the household’s vicinity, over which delivery personnel carefully maneuver their hot-air balloons, weather permitting, for the grocery drop-offs.

Chattanooga is no stranger to aerial innovations, with Amazon’s PrimePult catapult-powered delivery service and Bike Chattanooga’s jetpack rental stations finding success.

If the delivery service turns out to be a success, then Food City executives hinted that they might offer a service directed toward immobile, morbidly obese customers who can lie on their backs and have food dropped directly into their mouths from hot air balloons.

The artisanal, high-end coffee shop Grounds For Divorce announced that it had banned all hipsters from entering its premises in a well-thought-out plan.

“Nobody wearing a vintage t-shirt or neon plastic sunglasses or carrying a book by Jacques Lacan or Chuck Palahniuk is welcome here,” said a spokesperson for Grounds For Divorce.

“Hey, all you guys wearing skinny jeans: you look like fucking idiots,” said the spokesperson. “Go drink a PBR somewhere else.”

“Who would want to enjoy a delicious cup of coffee while surrounded by a bunch of trendy fuckers, anyway?” said the spokesperson, whose words echoed through the empty coffee shop.

Just hours after sandwich maker Subway announced it was severing ties with longtime company figure Jared Fogle, local what you need to know today expert Harrison Keely announced he has thrown his name in the hat as the new fast food chain spokesmen. 

“I eat subway once or twice a week and have probably lost a few pounds during those times,” exclaimed Keely. “I’m sure I’ve got a pair of oversized blue jean shorts I can travel around and hold up if need be.”

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, the Chattanooga local news website Nooga.com announced that it would launch a spin-off site solely dedicated to articles about restaurant closures, called “Resting Place.”

“We strive to be the number one source of news in Chattanooga about misfortune in the restaurant industry,” said spokesperson Nic Ingebrigt.

“It is the American dream to open a homegrown business, fueled by sweat, life savings and the entrepreneurial spirit,” said Ingebrigt. “Although it is a myth that 90% of restaurants close within the first year, like most other types of businesses, around 60% of new ones will close within three years.”

“There is a certain glamour to it all, with hopes of possibly becoming a rock-star chef heralded by foodie bloggers, international epicureans and tastemakers,” said Ingebrigt. “But in reality, running a restaurant is extremely difficult and mostly a pain in the ass, having to deal with high levels of stress, economic uncertainty, employees who might flake out on you, fickle fad-following eaters, surprise health inspections and even the occasional argumentative, drunk customer.”

“Our new website Resting Place will be a public record of unfulfilled champagne wishes and caviar nightmares, where dreams die like a collapsed soufflé,” said Ingebrigt.

The rapidly growing potato-sharing service “Tuber,” founded in San Francisco and currently available in dozens of cities around the world, launched today in Chattanooga, promising residents on-demand potato delivery through the use of a special smartphone app.

“We already have gigabit Internet service, so it was just a matter of time before we caught up with the world regarding on-demand potato sharing,” said local resident Jan Kermann. “I love the idea of being able to have a hot, buttery baked potato delivered to me at any time of the day, for a reasonable price, just by using my smartphone.”

One controversial aspect of Tuber’s business model is “Spud Surge” pricing, which can dramatically increase the price of potato delivery during rare times of high demand.

“Tuber will offer lightning fast service and quality potato sharing from local folks just like you,” said Tuber spokesperson Toby DiMuzio at a press conference Thursday afternoon. “This is one game of hot potato you’ll want to play.”