Food/Drink - Page 3

Walmart offers wine to dull pain of shopping at Walmart


The department store and supermarket chain Walmart began offering wine in its Tennessee stores today in order to let customers dull the pain of having to shop at Walmart.

“This is great news,” said local shopper Blake Wolfhund. “Whenever I shop at Walmart on a Saturday afternoon, after a few minutes of enduring screaming, out-of-control children or fashion atrocities from people who just don’t give a shit about looking presentable, I think to myself, ‘Jesus Christ, I could really use a drink.'”

In conjunction with the wine-sale roll-out, Walmart has offered ideas for unique food pairings involving snack food favorites.

“Some fancy-pants wine shop might have some snooty wine and cheese tasting,” said store manager Dale Misuca. “Instead, we suggest that you try ‘Wine and Cheetos’ or ‘Wine and Cheez-Its’ for a culinary experience on a budget.”

Wine (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Wine (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

Local gangs agree to truce over bathroom bread thawing


After weeks of relentless violence, representatives from Chattanooga area gangs have agreed to a cease fire. Members say the shocking revelation of a local restaurant thawing out their sandwich bread in bathrooms have rendered members in a disgusted state where the willpower to continue drive-by shootings and stabbings has stopped.

“Shooting up a house over claiming public property to be yours must be done on a full stomach,” explained local gang member Jeffrey Stephens. “Just the thought of enjoying a tasty sandwich that has been exposed to poo-particles, leaves me without an appetite to continue my childish and moronic profession.”

New cocktail bar offers artisanal ice from skating rink

The new cocktail bar Slurp, located on Chattanooga’s Southside, is taking local craft cocktails to the next level by offering artisanal ice that was formerly used in the temporary skating rink Ice on the Landing, which closed for the season earlier this week.

“Using quality ice is absolutely essential for making an incredible cocktail,” said Slurp’s head bartender Jesse Patavia. “So, why settle for ordinary, bland ice in your $16 cocktail? Our ice isn’t some purified, goody-two-shoes ice. Our ice has character.”

“You can taste the subtle, exquisite flavors that can only come from the debris from literally hundreds of pairs of ice skates,” said Patavia.

Each ice cube in a Slurp cocktail is hand-cut by an ice chef in the walk-in freezer of the restaurant, named “The Pompous Ice Hole,” and Patavia said that Slurp offers “sustainable drinking,” since they use re-purposed ice that would have otherwise just gone to waste.

“It might sound odd to use skating rink ice, but after one drink, you’ll be a believer,” said Patavia. “You can join us and be a brave culinary explorer, just like the first people who tried kopi luwak coffee, made from coffee beans that have passed through an Indonesian civet’s digestive system.”

Mayor Berke advises citizens to put bread and milk on tires


After a wave of icy rain and sleet wreaked havoc over the Tennessee valley this morning causing wrecks and collisions on many road ways, Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke issued a statement advising residents to coat the tires of their vehicles in bread and milk.

“While stores around the area have been selling bread and milk like milky bread hot cakes, I see no reason why these items can’t be applied to the tires of vehicles,” explained Berke. “Bread and milk will help gain traction to tires on icy roads while people check their phones for the latest in school and business closings while driving.”

Food City tests grocery delivery via hot air balloon

Hot air balloons (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Hot air balloons (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

Supermarket chain Food City tested a new grocery delivery service that utilizes hot air balloons earlier today in the Chattanooga region, where it had recently acquired and converted 29 Bi-Lo supermarkets.

This revolutionary new service takes Food City to another level, after it had previously offered its GoCart Curbside Pickup service at select locations in other markets.

Using its online store, customers select items to be delivered and lay out a cushioned, individually numbered landing pad in the household’s vicinity, over which delivery personnel carefully maneuver their hot-air balloons, weather permitting, for the grocery drop-offs.

Chattanooga is no stranger to aerial innovations, with Amazon’s PrimePult catapult-powered delivery service and Bike Chattanooga’s jetpack rental stations finding success.

If the delivery service turns out to be a success, then Food City executives hinted that they might offer a service directed toward immobile, morbidly obese customers who can lie on their backs and have food dropped directly into their mouths from hot air balloons.

Artisanal coffee shop bans hipsters in well-thought-out plan


Coffee (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Coffee (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
The artisanal, high-end coffee shop Grounds For Divorce announced that it had banned all hipsters from entering its premises in a well-thought-out plan.

“Nobody wearing a vintage t-shirt or neon plastic sunglasses or carrying a book by Jacques Lacan or Chuck Palahniuk is welcome here,” said a spokesperson for Grounds For Divorce.

“Hey, all you guys wearing skinny jeans: you look like fucking idiots,” said the spokesperson. “Go drink a PBR somewhere else.”

“Who would want to enjoy a delicious cup of coffee while surrounded by a bunch of trendy fuckers, anyway?” said the spokesperson, whose words echoed through the empty coffee shop.

Harrison Keely tosses name up for Subway spokesman replacement


Just hours after sandwich maker Subway announced it was severing ties with longtime company figure Jared Fogle, local what you need to know today expert Harrison Keely announced he has thrown his name in the hat as the new fast food chain spokesmen. 

“I eat subway once or twice a week and have probably lost a few pounds during those times,” exclaimed Keely. “I’m sure I’ve got a pair of oversized blue jean shorts I can travel around and hold up if need be.” spin-off site dedicated to restaurant closures

/ screenshot of restaurant closure articles screenshot of restaurant closure articles
At a press conference yesterday afternoon, the Chattanooga local news website announced that it would launch a spin-off site solely dedicated to articles about restaurant closures, called “Resting Place.”

“We strive to be the number one source of news in Chattanooga about misfortune in the restaurant industry,” said spokesperson Nic Ingebrigt.

“It is the American dream to open a homegrown business, fueled by sweat, life savings and the entrepreneurial spirit,” said Ingebrigt. “Although it is a myth that 90% of restaurants close within the first year, like most other types of businesses, around 60% of new ones will close within three years.”

“There is a certain glamour to it all, with hopes of possibly becoming a rock-star chef heralded by foodie bloggers, international epicureans and tastemakers,” said Ingebrigt. “But in reality, running a restaurant is extremely difficult and mostly a pain in the ass, having to deal with high levels of stress, economic uncertainty, employees who might flake out on you, fickle fad-following eaters, surprise health inspections and even the occasional argumentative, drunk customer.”

“Our new website Resting Place will be a public record of unfulfilled champagne wishes and caviar nightmares, where dreams die like a collapsed soufflé,” said Ingebrigt.

Potato-sharing service “Tuber” launches in Chattanooga

Tuber potato-sharing smartphone app
Tuber potato-sharing smartphone app

The rapidly growing potato-sharing service “Tuber,” founded in San Francisco and currently available in dozens of cities around the world, launched today in Chattanooga, promising residents on-demand potato delivery through the use of a special smartphone app.

“We already have gigabit Internet service, so it was just a matter of time before we caught up with the world regarding on-demand potato sharing,” said local resident Jan Kermann. “I love the idea of being able to have a hot, buttery baked potato delivered to me at any time of the day, for a reasonable price, just by using my smartphone.”

One controversial aspect of Tuber’s business model is “Spud Surge” pricing, which can dramatically increase the price of potato delivery during rare times of high demand.

“Tuber will offer lightning fast service and quality potato sharing from local folks just like you,” said Tuber spokesperson Toby DiMuzio at a press conference Thursday afternoon. “This is one game of hot potato you’ll want to play.”

East Ridge to offer free Wi-Fi by holding activities at McDonald’s

McDonald's (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:
McDonald’s (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:

After the city of Chattanooga announced plans last week to provide free Wi-Fi Internet access in city buildings and public areas, the bordering city of East Ridge in Hamilton County also revealed its plan to offer free Wi-Fi service by holding all meetings, city-related business and civic activities inside McDonald’s restaurants.

The giant fast-food restaurant chain McDonald’s offers free Wi-Fi access at most of its locations, like other establishments such as Starbucks Coffee and Panera Bread.

“With the state of the economy as it is today and the lack of gainful employment, we are finding ourselves both eating more at budget fast-food restaurants and working there more,” said East Ridge Mayor Brent Lambert at a press conference. “Therefore, it makes sense to take advantage of the free Wi-Fi already provided at McDonald’s restaurants, for the city of East Ridge to conduct its business.”

Reportedly, Mayor Lambert had a mayor-to-mayor meeting with Mayor McCheese last week in order to confirm that this new arrangement in East Ridge would be acceptable for all involved.

In order to accommodate all citizens who wish to attend the bi-weekly City Council meetings, the meetings will be held at the PlayPlace playground ball pit at the McDonald’s on Ringgold Rd, and weekly City Court sessions will be held at the same location, with Officer Big Mac in attendance to provide security.