The LP, “Hollerin’ at Bitches from a Tree” from the local Chattanooga Boys Choir failed to snag best album at the 2015 Grammy awards last night. 
“These boys work so hard to scale a fake tree every year and holler at some bitches, “exclaimed Chattanooga Boys Choir director Terry Francisco. “It was a sad day to explain to these poor kids we lost to a scientologist who obviously has never hollered at any bitches, let alone from a tree.”
The new museum, called the Chattanooga History Center Center (CHCC), will document the ups and downs of the grueling, long-drawn-out ordeal to finance, build and open the new Chattanooga History Center that has been going on since 2009.
According to the Times Free Press, the updated Chattanooga History Center, located near the Tennessee Aquarium, was slated to open in 2012, but the opening date has been delayed several times and is now unknown, with current efforts seeking an additional $3.2 million in financing, above the initial $10.5 million goal.
“Visitors to the CHCC will be captivated by the tale of a true, modern-day epic struggle of a museum that is making history, literally,” said CHCC spokesperson Allyson Wheadin.
While the Chattanooga History Center has hired the prestigious and costly New York-based Ralph Appelbaum Associates for $1.86 million for exhibits that have yet to be made, the CHCC employed local sources for design and construction, resulting in a museum that was created ahead of schedule and under-budget.
Like the Chattanooga History Center, the CHCC hired actor and former Chattanooga resident Samuel L. Jackson to provide narration for exhibits.
At the entrance of the CHCC, visitors will be greeted by the voice of Jackson saying, “The Chattanooga History Center: when will this motherf-cking museum finally be open?”
Citing the area’s Gigabit per second internet speed, President Obama named Chattanooga one of the best places to check email in the country. Obama name dropped the city during speeches and YouTube videos posted during the last few days.
“The folks in Chattanooga, Tennesse know what’s up with their blazing fast Internet speeds, in which to check my email,” explained President Obama. “I was able to obtain my daily email briefings from congress and the days Cost Plus/World Market coupons within milliseconds during my visit last year.”
The hottest, newest inexplicable trend in both the craft and fashion communities involves putting the likeness of Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke onto any garment or piece of handmade merchandise.
The “Put a Berke on It” trend derives its name from the Portlandia comedy television show sketch “Put a Bird on It” which poked fun at the ubiquity of bird motifs on boutique items, such as lampshades or vintage suitcases.
“These Berke tote bags, skirts, teapots, iPhone cases, scarves and knitted caps are just flying off the shelves,” said Frazier Avenue store owner Madeline Callahann. “I’ve never seen anything like it before.”
“A dress is simply a dress,” said Callahann. “But with the face of Mayor Andy Berke on it, it becomes art.”
A search on the e-commerce website Etsy, devoted to handmade and vintage items, reveals thousands of different items for sale that feature the face of Mayor Berke.
“It’s not just local people buying this stuff,” said Callahann. “Ever since Emma Watson wore a Berke skirt to the British Fashion Awards, people all over the world have been going nuts over the trend, from Harajuku lolitas in Tokyo to fashionistas on the Champs-Élysées in Paris.”
After two solid weeks of violence and murder in the Tennessee Valley, Chattanooga Police Chief Fred Fletcher announced plans to hire 
new internet sensation and Craigslist Frisbee advocate HecKtor Dangus (not his real name) to stop future outbreaks.
“We believe Mr Dangus (not his real name) can try this shit in deterring future outbreaks in crime within our city, exclaimed Chief Fletcher. “At least we know he will not try to jack off or fuck anyone in the process.”
A new haunted house located in Chattanooga, to be completed in time for Halloween, will feature rooms that recreate various disturbing events from the news that have happened in the region this year.
While locals have an assortment of haunted houses in the metropolitan Chattanooga area from which to choose, including Ruby Falls Haunted Cavern, The Haunted Barn, Blowing Screams Farm and The Haunted Hilltop Home, this new haunted house will stand apart by using terrifying true stories and real characters, rather than fictional spooks and monsters.
“This has been a troubling year for southeast Tennessee, with a multitude of horrible events, including drownings and murders, a kitten in Cleveland being set on fire, twin brothers in Hixson who decomposed undiscovered for years sitting in recliners, and the elderly runner who was sexually assaulted by a teen,” said spokesperson Kris Pernot.
“There’s also that men’s bathroom camera story, the officer who tried to be romantically involved with a rape victim, and Bret Michaels of Poison performing at the Oasis Restaurant and Sports Bar,” said Pernot. “These true stories are way more disturbing than any horror movie you’ll see.”
Over the Labor Day weekend, hundreds of private photos and videos of celebrities including Jennifer Lawrence, Kate Upton and Kirsten Dunst were released to various online forums after hackers are believed to have exploited a security vulnerability in Apple’s Find My iPhone service that allowed for brute-force password guessing attacks, and it was revealed that local Chattanooga Times Free Press journalist Harrison Keely was among those affected.
The celebrity photo leak–also known as “The Fappening”–included private, topless photos of Harrison Keely plus over one hundred other celebrities, including A-list actresses, models and singers.
Harrison Keely’s lawyer issued a statement, condemning the actions and claiming that the selfie photos featuring Keely without clothing from the waist up were not authentic and likely the creation of fans using sophisticated photo-editing software to doctor actual photos.
Keely–who manages social media for the Times Free Press and provides the daily “Chattanooga Update” video newscast–was not the only local victim of the celebrity photo leak, as scandalous snapshots of downtown celebrity Shirtless Dave emerged, featuring him wearing a shirt.
It was announced earlier this morning that the City of Chattanooga has approved a $2.8 million statue of Chattanooga Native and funny man Ralphie May.
The statue will be erected in the heart of Miller Plaza. Officials say much of the area’s seating will have to be removed.
The project has been granted to River City Company, who placed the project ahead of any plans for revamping the Miller Plaza area.
“Since Mr. May is a larger individual, and he will be the first to tell you that in a grueling hour and a half set, a larger supply of materials are needed to complete the statue, no pun intended” said chief River City statue architect Todd Dabble.
Future plans of local celebrity monuments include Dennis Haskins, whose statue will pop up at random places for people to take a picture with and post on random social networking websites.
After Southside residents voiced complaints about noise levels from nearby music venues and establishments, some were surprised to learn that a new, proposed Chattanooga noise ordinance would not only raise acceptable decibel levels but also extend the permitted hours later into the evening.
The ordinance draft comes on the heels of the announcement of a new 500-person music venue as part of an entertainment complex on the Chattanooga Choo-Choo campus.
Coincidentally, it was also announced to the dismay of noise-averse Southside residents that several more Main Street additions were forthcoming, including an airport, a shooting range, a vuvuzela academy and a howler monkey farm.
Furthermore, the street preacher Angela Cummings, who infamously delivered disruptive outdoor fire-and-brimstone sermons last year on the campus of the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga, announced that she would be moving her pulpit to a street corner on the Southside.
These additions would be a part of the new “Noise District” that would encompass the area between 4th Street and Main Street, and the district is expected to boost the local revenue of earplug and sleeping pill vendors by $19 million annually.
After a day filled with reports of rape, child abuse, and other disgusting things, Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke held a press conference this afternoon to ask Chattanooga residents to “cut all this weird creepy shit out”.
“What the hell is wrong with you people,” questioned Berke to a group of gatherers, all in face-palm stance. “Go back to using our gig internet for illegally downloading “Game of Thrones” episodes, not being a bunch of eerie asswipes.”