Culture - Page 12

To honor Black History Month, which is observed during the month of February, several Chattanooga radio stations have agreed to play the entirety of Paul Simon’s award-winning, critically recognized and commercially successful 1986 album Graceland.

“Popular music wouldn’t be what it is today without the deep influence of many black musicians and singers over centuries,” said Hott Jamz 108.1 FM music director Emery Gramm. “And what better album is there to exemplify that influence than Paul Simon’s Graceland.”

In addition to Graceland, radio stations have prepared a Black History Month playlist that includes such tracks as “Whole Lotta Love” by Led Zeppelin, “Angel of Harlem” by U2 and Duran Duran’s cover of Public Enemy’s “911 Is a Joke.”

For years, speed dating – which refers to organized dating events where singles have brief conversations with several potential partners – has been a viable option for time-strapped singles by pairing like-minded people and softening the blow of rejection.

Still, for those who haven’t found speed dating to be speedy enough, an enterprising local matchmaker, Robin Surrath, has developed a new idea to take speed dating to the next level: Dating on Speed.

“This is an idea whose time has come,” said Surrath. “It’s accepted that Tennessee has the worst meth addiction problem out of all 50 states, so why not use that to our advantage, to bring lovers together?”

The first “Dating on Speed” event will be held at the Kings Lodge Motel located near the Ridge Cut in Chattanooga, and it will cater to lonely meth enthusiasts with short attention spans.

“At a typical speed dating event, you might meet six to ten people,” said Surrath. “However, at a Dating on Speed event, you are going to meet at least ten times that many people: 60 to 100 potential partners.”

Although this seems logistically impossible, Surrath said that Dating on Speed uses a method inspired by Twitter, where participants are not allowed to say more than 140 characters to each other before moving on to the next person.

Surrath clarified that Dating on Speed is strictly a BYOM (“Bring Your Own Meth”) event, and motel rooms will be available at a special discounted hourly rate for couples who wish to escalate their newly formed relationships as quickly as possible.

Earlier this week, the residents of the town Signal Mountain, located on Walden Ridge, awarded themselves the honor of “Best Place in Tennessee” after obtaining the results of a poll, in which only Signal Mountain inhabitants voted.

“We’re number one! We’re number one!” said the crowd of residents in a chant at the ceremony.

“Other towns and cities in Tennessee can go bite a dick,” said Signal Mountain town crier Leopold Windsor. “Our low crime and unemployment rates, well-educated populace and beautiful scenery make us the most ultra mega super-awesomest town in the state, and possibly the whole nation, planet and universe.”

“Just look at our new state-of-the-art Middle/High School,” said Windsor. “Our panoramic views. Our homogeneous demographics. We’ve got a house that looks like a freakin’ UFO too, so everybody else should just stop trying, ’cause we’re the best. We did it.”

In a press conference held this morning in front of an East Lake community Church, members from opposing Chattanooga area gangs announced they would finally settle their differences in an old fashioned dance off.

Leaders announced the dance off would be held in a neutral territory. McKenzie Arena and the Memorial Auditorium are among the areas being considered.

Judges for the scheduled dance off will include: Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke, Times Free Press resident gang expert David Cook, and gang truce founder Reginald “Joker” Oakley.

“It’s time to put down the motherfucking glock and bring out the break dancin’ box”, explained local gang leader Jamal Jeffers. “No longer will blood be spilled on these jazz hands.”

In an unprecedented occurrence yesterday at the concert venue Track 29, it was reported that all local members of Generation Y – people currently in their teens through the age of 30 – had collectively stopped complaining for two hours, during the performance by the indie-rock band Neutral Milk Hotel.

This evening was enjoyed by local Gen Y-ers unironically, all of whom refrained from slavishly checking Facebook or Twitter updates on their smartphones for the entire concert.

Witnesses on the scene reported that not one utterance of the phrases “This town sucks” or “This is so lame” was heard during the performance, which featured songs from Neutral Milk Hotel’s widely praised album In the Aeroplane Over the Sea.

Local members of Generation Y – commonly thought of as a generation of whining and entitled praise-junkies and narcissistic attention whores – enjoyed their first experience of true fellowship and honest, heartfelt reverence at the concert.