Culture - Page 9

The Grammy-award-nominated singer Marilyn Manson made a surprise visit to Chattanooga’s Creative Discovery Museum today, as part of his lifetime commitment to give back to the community and help children.

Manson led several workshops for youngsters, including ones for making sock puppets and origami animals, and he was also seen making s’mores and snickerdoodles.

Manson is in Chattanooga for a sold-out concert at Track 29 tonight, where he is expected to play hits including “Polly’s Pretty Petticoat,” “Let’s Hold Hands and Read the Bible Together,” and a cover of Seth Putnam’s “I Respect Your Feelings as a Woman and a Human.”

It was announced that the afterparty for the concert will be held at Abba’s House, where Manson has arranged an ice cream social, sock hop and youth group lock-in.

Chattanoogans rejoice! The Casey barge has been moved, to the other side of the river!

The move comes after months and months of failed attempts to have the dilapidated barge moved. 

“I’m grateful we were finally able to get that eyesore out of here,” exclaimed Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke. “I guess we should have mentioned we were just going to park it on the other side of the river.”

The Chattanooga Police Department has urged residents to remain calm after numerous people have reported sightings of a loose hobbit in the downtown area over the last few days.

“Hobbits generally appear to be friendly creatures, around four feet tall with giant, hairy feet, but don’t be deceived,” said Galen Dielecki, hobbit expert and zoologist at the Chattanooga Zoo. “When they are outside their natural habitat and are agitated, they are capable of great feats of strength.”

“It is unusual to see hobbits outside their underground hobbit-holes, so it is quite possible that this one is disoriented or even rabid,” said Dielecki.

Despite the warnings of the Chattanooga Police Department, many photos of residents taken while standing near the loose hobbit have appeared on social media outlets recently.

If the hobbit is spotted, residents are asked to call the Tennessee Wildlife Resource Agency, which has emergency teams on hand, armed with rifles with tranquilizer darts.

Citing a breakthrough in print technology, scientists from the Chattanooga Times Free Press have discovered a new way to include video of their very own Harrison Kelly in the print version of the newspaper, a feature that was only previously available to lucky online viewers.

“We are very excited to finally unleash the beautiful smiling mug and soul patch of the lovable Harrison Keely to our print only subscribers,” said Times Free Press spokesman Doug McLeitch. “When our customers receive their newspaper and unfold it, a video will autoplay of Mr Keely telling what we need to know today. Usually a rape or a cop beating.”

The Chattanooga Film Festival (CFF) announced today that it would present a special screening of the 1997 film Titanic on the dilapidated North Shore barge, which began sinking one week ago after vandals moved a pump hose so that water would fill the barge.

“The North Shore barge is an eyesore and universally hated, so we are going to do the impossible and make everyone love it, for just one night,” said CFF representative Garrett Billow. “Why not make the most of a bad situation?”

“It is just getting better and better each day,” said Billow about the festival happening this weekend, which will feature dozens of screenings and guests Elijah Wood, Bobcat Goldthwait, Joe Bob Briggs and Kyle Kinane.

“This special, one-of-a-kind screening of Titanic is going to be like no other film screening that has ever happened,” said Billow. “Audience members will share the panic and terror experienced by the characters in the movie by being on a barge that is actually, truly sinking, just like the RMS Titanic back in 1912.”

Before and after the screening, a professional photographer will be available for couples who wish to recreate the famous “I’m Flying” scene on the railing of the side of the barge that is not yet underwater, among garbage, debris and graffiti.

Channel 3 Chief Meteorologist Paul Barys was spotted this morning blasting a wintery mix from a snow machine after yesterday’s forecast failed to make an appearance.

“If mother nature doesn’t want to cooperate, then I teach that son of a bitch a lesson,” exclaimed Barys, while wiping unfrozen rain from his beard.

After an eventful opening day of the new hit movie “Fifty Shades of Grey”, management for the Majestic 12 theaters downtown had to contact a local Hazmat team and a pressure washer truck for what could only be called a “disaster of gooey proportions.”

Teams responded to reports of theater seats drenched in all sorts of bodily fluids, which had to be decontaminated and then sprayed repeatedly with a high powered pressure washer.

“We have began to make adjustments for future showings,” said Majestic 12 spokesmen Ken Flickman. “Guests will be given a tarp to sit on and a fresh pair of underpants.”