Howler monkeys (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:

New music venue, airport, street preacher, howler monkey farm coming to Southside

Howler monkeys (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:
Howler monkeys (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:

After Southside residents voiced complaints about noise levels from nearby music venues and establishments, some were surprised to learn that a new, proposed Chattanooga noise ordinance would not only raise acceptable decibel levels but also extend the permitted hours later into the evening.

The ordinance draft comes on the heels of the announcement of a new 500-person music venue as part of an entertainment complex on the Chattanooga Choo-Choo campus.

Coincidentally, it was also announced to the dismay of noise-averse Southside residents that several more Main Street additions were forthcoming, including an airport, a shooting range, a vuvuzela academy and a howler monkey farm.

Furthermore, the street preacher Angela Cummings, who infamously delivered disruptive outdoor fire-and-brimstone sermons last year on the campus of the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga, announced that she would be moving her pulpit to a street corner on the Southside.

These additions would be a part of the new “Noise District” that would encompass the area between 4th Street and Main Street, and the district is expected to boost the local revenue of earplug and sleeping pill vendors by $19 million annually.

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

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