Culture - Page 8

Auto manufacturer Volkswagen unveiled at its Chattanooga manufacturing facility an ingenious way to sell its diesel cars – the sale of which had been halted after the discovery that they used a “defeat device” for emissions testing – by marketing them to be used as Halloween fog machines, rather than as vehicles.

“Chattanooga is home to some of the best haunted houses in the region, and every haunted house needs a good smoke machine,” said a VW spokesperson wearing a skeleton costume at a press conference this afternoon. “These mobile fog machines emit thick clouds of pollutants, which will make your haunted house that much more spooky.”

The VW spokesperson stressed, while he winked conspicuously, that the mobile fog machine should only be towed from place to place and not driven, although the driving capability of it had not been disabled.

“What can I say? They outsmarted us,” said a representative from the Environmental Protection Agency. “They’re selling them as fog machines, rather than cars, so they don’t have to abide by all the regulations regarding vehicle emissions. VW, you magnificent bastard.”

SoundCorps, the new Chattanooga-based nonprofit organization created to boost the local music scene and to view Stratton Tingle’s hair style of dreadlocks, held their launch party last night at the new Revelry Room.

The who’s who among the Chattanooga music community movers and shakers all gathered to rub elbows with a primary objective to stand in awe at the sight of Tingle’s mass of matted hair.

“The primary objective of SoundCorps is to bring the Chattanooga music community together to form one big cohesive unit to look at my dreads,” exclaimed SoundCorps dreadlocks owner/Executive Director.

“I’ve participated in multiple musical projects over the last decade or so,” said local musician Brian Richardson. “I’m glad those years of dedication and practice have allowed me to join other musicians in gazing upon Mr Tingles head of free love flowing dreadlocks.”

The local Regal Cinemas movie theater at Hamilton Place announced that it would upgrade from being a second-run bargain theater to a first-run luxury theater, offering an exquisite experience for viewing Hollywood tripe.

“After the upgrades, you will experience a state-of-the-art projection system to watch mindless drivel like ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2,'” said representative Bobby Lemirre. “Every drop of sweat on Paul Blart’s corpulent body will be crystal clear.”

“You will lose yourself in luxury, when you sit back in one of our ultra-comfy reclining seats, and you might even forget that you’re viewing one of those unwatchable CGI-shitstorms that are the ‘Transformers’ movies,” said Lemirre.

“Enjoy the new gourmet food and drink options,” said Lemirre. “And try to keep it all down when watching an ipecac substitute like a new M. Night Shyamalan movie.”

“Since the end of the ‘Last Golden Age’ in the ’70s, Hollywood has become devoted to appealing to the lowest common denominator,” said Lemirre. “It offers an endless parade of sequels, franchises and remakes, favoring stars, T&A and gratuitous violence over true creativity, but audiences will come out in droves anyway. So why not enjoy a glass of Chardonnay while you watch?”