The Tennessee Wildlife Department warned today at a press conference that coyote sightings have been on the rise around Chattanooga and that coyotes are a bunch of bloodthirsty motherfuckers.
“These assholes won’t think twice about ripping apart your precious little chihuahua or fluffy kitty cat,” said Rita Viscobb, a representative from the Tennessee Wildlife Department. “Coyotes are total douchebags who suck balls, so keep your tiny friends inside at night.”
“Coyotes will fuck up a little bunny rabbit just for a little snack,” said Viscobb. “I mean, what kind of a dick move is that?”
Viscobb recommended that residents should avoid keeping uneaten pet food outside, pointing out that coyotes will eat almost anything, including rotting food scraps or Taco Bell’s Beefy Crunch Burritos.
“If you see one of these rat bastard coyotes, try to scare them away by screaming ‘Go away, you coyote motherfucker!’ at them while flipping them the bird, or throw pinecones that have been covered with glitter at them,” said Viscobb. “They hate pinecones, and they hate flair.”
“If that doesn’t work, then try to publicly shame the coyotes by posting their photos on Facebook,” said Viscobb, who has a personal vendetta against coyotes.
“A coyote ate my baby,” said Viscobb, with a thick Australian accent.