Andy Berke

Mayor Berke changes name to “Andy Bitcoin”


At a press conference yesterday, Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke announced that he had changed his name to “Andy Bitcoin.”

“Boom!” said Berke, who arrived at the press conference riding a hoverboard and wearing futuristic wrap-around sunglasses and a shiny suit made of Mylar-like material. “Now that’s what I call the sound of a disruptive re-branding!”

“Whenever there’s something, like the cryptocurrency Bitcoin, that makes lots of money and isn’t easily understood, people think it’s sexy,” said Berke. “Just like me. Andy Bitcoin. Boom!”

Berke’s name change comes at a time when cryptocurrencies based on blockchain technology like Bitcoin have captured the public’s attention, and several businesses have begun to take advantage of this, including the company Long Island Iced Tea Corp. which changed its name to Long Blockchain Corp.

“You see, with the Innovation District, I simply re-named an area of town that already had a high concentration of innovative companies and facilities, like EPB, the Public Library and the Edney Building,” said Berke. “Similarly, with my new name, I’m riding high on an already existing giant wave, just like I rode in here on this sick hoverboard.”

“People ask, is this growth sustainable? How high will rent prices get?” said Berke. “All I know is that it’s unstoppable, just like me! Just like a big bubble that keeps growing and growing.”

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

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