Dalton High School

Trump rushes to Dalton High to disarm teacher


Two days after President Donald Trump said that he would have run unarmed into the Florida high school where the Parkland mass shooting occurred, he stormed into Dalton High School to disarm a teacher who had shot a bullet out a window using only his bare hands.

White House staffers said that upon hearing the news about the teacher, Trump demanded that Air Force One fly him to Dalton, Ga. so he could deal with the situation singlehandedly.

On Air Force One, Trump’s wife Melania begged him not to go, saying, “Donnie, don’t be a hero.”

“It’s too late,” said Trump, right before he parachuted out of Air Force One, landing outside the window of the classroom where the Dalton High School teacher had barricaded himself.

According to school surveillance cameras, the 71-year-old Trump did a series of aerial cartwheels before jumping through the window, shattering the glass and ending with a perfectly executed dive roll.

Before the teacher realized what was happening, Trump grabbed a history textbook and threw it at his stomach, saying, “You’re history, Teach.”

Trump then used his Muay Thai kickboxing skills to deliver a fierce jump kick to the teacher’s face, followed by a spinning backfist punch.

“Class dismissed,” said Trump.

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

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