Hipster lanes to be added to MLK Boulevard


The Chattanooga Department of Transportation announced today that eastbound and westbound hipster lanes would be added to a section of East M.L. King Boulevard as part of its repaving project.

“It’s no secret that hipsters have overrun Chattanooga,” said Kelly Dowdeshell, the Chattanooga Department of Transportation’s administrator. “Adding hipster lanes will only improve the traffic flow on East M.L. King, as hipsters go from one craft beer bar to the next.”

Dowdeshell explained that the enforcement of hipster lanes will be aided by cameras, similar to the way some carpool lanes are monitored to ensure that only high-occupancy vehicles are using them.

“It’s not enough to simply ride a bike in these hipster lanes,” said Dowdeshell. “Your bike must be a fixie, a unicycle or one of those old-timey bikes with the giant front wheel.”

“And if you’re riding an old-timey bike, then you must have either a Grizzly Adams beard or a handlebar mustache, sculpted with artisanal mustache wax,” said Dowdeshell. “Minimum two inches long.”

Hipster lanes are also open to hipsters wearing roller skates – quad skates or rollerblades – or even hipsters who choose to walk, as long as they are power-walking, prancercising or wearing ’80s-style neon leggings or skinny jeans that make their legs resemble engorged sausage casings.

“We can’t reveal our dress-code standards for hipster women, because poseurs will totally steal our latest styles,” said Dowdeshell. “But let me give you a hint: think blue-haired manic pixie dreamgirl or Grimes bangs, and you’ll do fine.”

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

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