Francis Porkloin – Page 22 – Chattanooga Bystander

Times Free Press buys Chattanooga Bystander for $19 mil

Published on April 1, 2014

Business

The Chattanooga Bystander, presented by the Times Free Press

The daily broadsheet newspaper Chattanooga Times Free Press announced that it is purchasing the 1-year-old online news website The Chattanooga Bystander for $19 million dollars.

“We want to heartily welcome The Chattanooga Bystander, being an award-winning publication known for its accurate reporting and respectful journalism,” said Times Free Press managing editor Jordan Krampton. “They deliver all the facts, and then some, with 110% of the truth.”

The $19 mil. figure includes $200 to be paid in cash, with the remaining funds to be rendered in Lake Winnie skee-ball prize tickets.

One of the stipulations of the deal was that Harrison Keely could no longer be the subject of any upcoming articles by The Chattanooga Bystander.

“That was condition #1: lay off Harrison,” said Krampton. “It was too much for him last year, and he was driven to shave off his soul patch.”

Mila Kunis pregnant by Rock City gnome

Published on March 24, 2014

Culture

Mila Kunis (l) (Modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/czJAyS) Winkle McTwinklebuttergingersnap (r) (Modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/9GEr68)

After the engaged celebrities Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher announced today that they were expecting their first child, Kunis made the shocking revelation that the father wasn’t Kutcher but instead was a gnome named Winkle McTwinklebuttergingersnap whom Kunis met while visiting Rock City last December.

Kunis apologized for her infidelity, and Kutcher has committed to being a loyal husband and raising the child as if it were his own.

“It all happened so suddenly,” said Kunis. “While Ashton was signing autographs for people in the Goblin’s Underpass, I went on ahead to Fairyland Caverns.”

“I just have this weakness for tiny, bearded, pipe-smoking, pointy-red-hat-wearing men,” said Kunis. “And I’ll be honest with you. Filming Black Swan really kind of screwed me up, and I haven’t been the same since.”

McTwinklebuttergingersnap could not be reached for comment.

Councilman Hakeem suggests replacing public transportation with pub-crawl pedal carriages

Published on March 22, 2014

Business/Food/Drink/Politics

Yusuf Hakeem (l), Pedal Carriage (r) (Modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/2MUd1k)

It has been a turbulent week for Chattanooga City Council Chairman Yusuf Hakeem, whose invitation to a Monday meeting to discuss a possible public voucher program in partnership with Millennium Taxi to augment inner-city transportation was rejected by Transportation Administrator Blythe Bailey.

Bailey declined attending the meeting over concerns that selecting a particular vendor early in the policy discussion might be a violation of city purchasing policies, and Hakeem responded to this by recommending that Bailey’s position be defunded because of “blatant disrespect.”

Hakeem has since radically changed his original proposal, which also included a suggestion to reduce the operating hours of the free downtown shuttle to expand usage of non-free Millennium Taxi rides, and at a press conference yesterday afternoon, Hakeem recommended replacing all public transportation with pub-crawl pedal carriages.

“This is the wave of the future,” said Hakeem. “In recent months, Chattanooga has been blessed with the addition of not one, but two different companies offering pedal-powered carriage tours between local bars and brewpubs, Chattanooga Brew Choo and Pints and Pedals.”

“This is a win-win situation,” said Hakeem. “People will get more exercise, local pubs will get more business, and this is a totally 100% green, environmentally friendly solution.”

Local alcoholics praised Hakeem’s recommendation, which could mean the proliferation of bars throughout the city so that all neighborhoods, churches and schools could be accessible via pub-crawl pedal carriages.

Silverdale inmate who gave birth while shackled accidentally invented new fetish

Published on March 19, 2014

Culture/Health

(Left used and modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license; source: flic.kr/p/c2W1WW. Right used and modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license; source: flic.kr/p/7zD1Kj)

While a former Silverdale correctional facility inmate is suing Silverdale, Corrections Corporation of America and the sheriff of Hamilton County for being shackled last year to a hospital bed while giving birth, local perverts and the adult entertainment industry are praising her for inadvertently inventing a new fetish.

The lawsuit alleges that being chained up constituted cruel and unusual punishment and put the pregnant mother at risk during labor, which was a unique scenario that combined elements from “Women in Prison” exploitation films, bondage, medical fetishism and maiesiophilia, also known as pregnancy fetishism.

“Justice needs to be served, and we demand to learn more details,” said local degenerate Demitri Stackpohl. “We need to know if the warden was a sadistic Nazi named Ilsa. Was the inmate given a bath afterwards or did they turn a firehose on her?”

“Were the nurses naughty?” said Stackpohl. “These are things we need to know.”

Fleischmann to endorse Mayfield Dairy products

Published on March 17, 2014

Food/Drink/Politics

After Scottie Mayfield endorsed 3rd District Congressional Representative Chuck Fleischmann this morning for the upcoming election, despite being rivals in the 2012 election, Fleischmann returned the favor by formally endorsing Mayfield Dairy products.

“Everyone knows that quid pro quo arrangements are how anything gets done in politics,” said Fleischmann, wearing a sweater bearing the Mayfield Dairy Farms logo. “You scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours.”

“There’s nothing like starting the day with a tall glass of delicious, ice cold Mayfield milk,” said Fleischmann. “Look for the yellow jug, which guarantees freshness and quality by blocking harmful light rays.”

“Who can resist a bowl of Mayfield ice cream on a hot summer day? Mmm, mmm,” said Fleischmann, while rubbing his stomach in a circular motion. “My favorite flavor is Butter Pecan, and with all-natural flavors, it’s the classic taste that you grew up with.”

“Sure, you might be thinking that I don’t know a lot about dairy farming, and you’d be right,” said Fleischmann. “Well, Scottie didn’t exactly know a lot about politics, so it’s a fair trade.”

God puts Wysong’s prayer for Anderson’s recall at bottom of priority list

Published on March 7, 2014

Politics

With the effort to recall District 7 City Councilman Chris Anderson currently lagging behind the goal to gather around 1,600 signatures, having only gathered around 300 signatures so far, Chattanooga Tea Party member Charles Wysong, who is aiding the recall effort, turned to God for help, saying, “Prayer and fasting is in order…My prayer is ‘For Your name’s sake, give us the victory in this recall of Chris Anderson.'”

After receiving Wysong’s prayer, God reportedly said, “What is this bullshit? Who does this Me-damn yahoo think he is?”

While the recall effort claims that Anderson isn’t adequately doing his job, allies of Anderson believe that he is being targeted by conservatives because he is openly gay.

“Really, are you f-cking kidding me?” said God, before rolling his eyes. “There’s political turmoil and war, children starving to death and hundreds of thousands of people dying of malaria, and you’re praying for this?”

God sighed.

“OK, well, put it on the list, way down at the very bottom,” said God to his personal assistant, Marilyn Monroe. “I’ll evaluate it when I get around to it.”

Wysong’s prayer was numbered # 792,841,551,949,277 on God’s priority list, right below “Prayer by 10-year-old Benny Jannin in Salina, Kansas asking for a real lightsaber and a pet dinosaur.”

Chattanooga shootings up, crime down due to poor marksmanship

Published on March 5, 2014

Politics

Firing range target (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/4VPRVn)

The City of Chattanooga announced new statistics, showing that while the number of shootings has increased, crime has actually decreased, which has been attributed to declining marksmanship skills.

“There are more guns out there and more rounds being fired than ever,” said interim Chattanooga Police Chief Brett Laemmel. “But these drunk hillbillies and gang bangers can’t shoot for shit, thank goodness.”

Mayor Andy Berke’s Violence Reduction Initiative was assembled as a targeted strategy to prevent crime by giving prominent gang leaders an ultimatum to either clean up their act or be prepared to go to prison, but the current trend of lower crime and increasingly poor marksmanship in the area is attributed to an earlier, decades-old FBI effort that worked in conjunction with Hollywood filmmakers in order to influence criminals and gang members and their shooting styles.

“You know the sideways gangsta grip?” said Laemmel. “That was an invention by the FBI. Sure, it looks badass, but it is pretty worthless when it comes to targeting accuracy.”

“The FBI also paid off film director John Woo,” said Laemmel. “They knew that it is nearly impossible to get a good shot while jumping sideways, firing pistols in both hands, with a bunch of doves all around you.”

Chattanooga Symphony to accompany screening of “Showgirls”

Published on February 28, 2014

Culture

"Showgirls" with orchestral accompaniment — “Showgirls” with orchestral accompaniment

As part of the second annual Chattanooga International Film Music Festival this weekend, the Chattanooga Symphony & Opera will provide a live accompaniment to a special screening of the modern classic 1995 film Showgirls.

The award-winning* film was directed by the acclaimed Dutch director Paul Verhoeven and has been praised by film critics including Jonathan Rosenbaum and Jim Hoberman, grossing over $100 million from combined box office and home video revenues.

“Sure, we’ve all seen and enjoyed Showgirls many times at home, and it’s even a Thanksgiving tradition with my family,” said Chattanooga Symphony publicist Cristal Malone. “But to experience seeing it on a big screen, with a full symphony orchestra providing a live score, that’s something really special and rare.”

“When Nomi gives Zack a lap dance at Cheetah’s, the swell of the orchestra really makes that scene come alive,” said Malone.

“It’s a major achievement in film, made better with a live orchestra,” said Malone. “This screening and performance at the Tivoli Theatre will have it all – music, singing, dancing. And most importantly, tits.”

* Seven 1995 Golden Raspberry Awards

Conservationists organize Con Nooga to propagate endangered geek population

Published on February 24, 2014

Culture

Catwoman vs. Wonder Woman (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/bEsZ1g)

In 2007, conservation biologists at the University of Tennessee Chattanooga (UTC) were alarmed by trends seen in field data, showing dwindling populations of local geek life, which they attributed to the gradual loss of the natural habitats and ecosystems of geeks, such as video arcades and comic book shops.

The biologists realized that geeks were facing extinction, and in order to propagate the endangered geek population, they made the bold decision to organize an experiment, called “Con Nooga,” which is now in its seventh year.

“Con Nooga was created in order to foster captive breeding between male and female geeks, who previously had limited opportunities to intermingle,” said UTC Biology professor Dr. Emery Rackley.

Rackley further explained that male geeks were largely engaged in non-social activities, such as watching Japanese tentacle anime alone or painting metal miniature figurines of wizards using tiny brushes, and their rare social activities were typically limited to playing Magic: The Gathering with other male geeks.

Female geeks, Rackley explained, didn’t fare much better, favoring activities such as reading Anne Bishop fantasy novels or binge-watching Doctor Who, and venturing outdoors only to visit cemeteries to take photos and write goth poetry.

While marketed as a “Multi-Fandom Convention” devoted to science fiction, fantasy, cosplay, comics, anime, horror and gaming, the true purpose of Con Nooga is to offer geeks the rare, annual opportunity to pair up and reproduce, and after last weekend’s Con Nooga event at the Chattanooga Convention Center and Chattanooga Choo Choo campus, preliminary field statistics show favorable and increasing rates of geek impregnation.

“Corsets, cleavage, neon-green alcoholic drinks, and a shared fanatical admiration for Joss Whedon shows: all these help reverse the trend toward geek extinction,” said Rackley. “This year, the Necronomiprom at the Choo Choo was like the geek version of a frat-house Halloween party. Caligula would have blushed.”

Local pub uses Kickstarter to raise funds to pass health inspection

Published on February 18, 2014

Business/Food/Drink/Health

(Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source: tinyurl.com/kk7va7d)

Last week, local Irish pub Shane MacGowan’s Teeth closed its doors after failing two inspections by the Tennessee Division of General Environmental Health, which cited several critical violations involving food handling practices.

However, the pub has started a crowd-sourcing Kickstarter campaign in order to raise money to pay for renovations in order to pass future health inspections so that it may open for business again.

The Kickstarter campaign hopes to raise $20,000 to fund the changes necessary to allow the restaurant to be compliant with health standards in addition to paying for several unrelated enhancements.

“I can’t wait for us to open our doors again, so all you magnificent freaks, rednecks, creepers, perverts, assholes and shitheads can come back and enjoy our grub,” said pub owner Avery Mountbatter.

“It’s sad that ‘The Man’ is trying to keep us down by making us jump through all these bureaucratic hoops that they claim will keep our customers safe and not suffering from food poisoning and opening the sluices at both ends,” said Mountbatter.

“It’s true that we could theoretically apply for a small business loan or tap into our own private funds,” said Mountbatter. “But with Kickstarter, we have an easy and widely accepted way to essentially beg for money and take advantage of kind and generous people’s goodwill and feeling of fraternal obligation.”

“Never let a good crisis go to waste,” said Mountbatter.