Francis Porkloin – Page 23 – Chattanooga Bystander

Radio stations play Paul Simon’s Graceland for Black History Month

Published on February 17, 2014

Culture

Paul Simon's 1986 album "Graceland" — Paul Simon’s 1986 album “Graceland”

To honor Black History Month, which is observed during the month of February, several Chattanooga radio stations have agreed to play the entirety of Paul Simon’s award-winning, critically recognized and commercially successful 1986 album Graceland.

“Popular music wouldn’t be what it is today without the deep influence of many black musicians and singers over centuries,” said Hott Jamz 108.1 FM music director Emery Gramm. “And what better album is there to exemplify that influence than Paul Simon’s Graceland.”

In addition to Graceland, radio stations have prepared a Black History Month playlist that includes such tracks as “Whole Lotta Love” by Led Zeppelin, “Angel of Harlem” by U2 and Duran Duran’s cover of Public Enemy’s “911 Is a Joke.”

Both pro-union and anti-union campaigns offer promise of handjobs to VW workers

Published on February 12, 2014

Business/Politics

From today until this Friday, employees of the Volkswagen (VW) auto manufacturing plant in Chattanooga may vote either for or against union representation through the United Auto Workers (UAW), and both pro-union and anti-union campaigns have swiftly ramped up their efforts to sway voters.

UAW representatives and advocates have extolled the benefits of having better worker representation at VW and leverage to increase wages, while opponents have stated that VW wages are already competitive and the presence of the UAW may discourage further economic development in the area.

Within the last week, both sides have engaged in an escalated “bidding war” of sorts, offering VW voters the promise of increasingly extravagant benefits, including free sno-cones during lunch breaks, “Pantless Casual Fridays,” insurance benefits for pets, and having Kid Rock leave a personalized message on each worker’s home answering machine.

Finally, both campaigns pulled out their aces by offering VW employees one free monthly handjob.

“Sure, the UAW says they’ll give you a handjob, but will they also, simultaneously, cup your balls with the free hand?” said union opponent Justin McCarmeck. “I guarantee you, your balls will be cupped, if you vote against the union.”

“It would be un-American to offer a handjob without ball-cupping,” said UAW representative Ren Schmertt. “Vote in favor of the UAW, and your handjob will have ball-cupping plus a gentle breath of warm air onto your scrotum.”

Drug-fueled “Dating on Speed” matchmaking events take speed dating to next level

Published on February 9, 2014

Culture

Couple (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/e2Bhgt)

For years, speed dating – which refers to organized dating events where singles have brief conversations with several potential partners – has been a viable option for time-strapped singles by pairing like-minded people and softening the blow of rejection.

Still, for those who haven’t found speed dating to be speedy enough, an enterprising local matchmaker, Robin Surrath, has developed a new idea to take speed dating to the next level: Dating on Speed.

“This is an idea whose time has come,” said Surrath. “It’s accepted that Tennessee has the worst meth addiction problem out of all 50 states, so why not use that to our advantage, to bring lovers together?”

The first “Dating on Speed” event will be held at the Kings Lodge Motel located near the Ridge Cut in Chattanooga, and it will cater to lonely meth enthusiasts with short attention spans.

“At a typical speed dating event, you might meet six to ten people,” said Surrath. “However, at a Dating on Speed event, you are going to meet at least ten times that many people: 60 to 100 potential partners.”

Although this seems logistically impossible, Surrath said that Dating on Speed uses a method inspired by Twitter, where participants are not allowed to say more than 140 characters to each other before moving on to the next person.

Surrath clarified that Dating on Speed is strictly a BYOM (“Bring Your Own Meth”) event, and motel rooms will be available at a special discounted hourly rate for couples who wish to escalate their newly formed relationships as quickly as possible.

Chattanooga goes wild over new, mediocre restaurant

Published on February 7, 2014

Food/Drink

Adequate burger (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/7PpQLa)

The collective populace of Chattanooga is going completely batshit crazy over the opening of a new chain restaurant which serves common, acceptable food.

Although patrons may expect to wait a minimum of one hour before being seated, that has not deterred any customers from coming and ordering a variety of sandwiches, burgers and fried food.

The restaurant is part of the highly successful B.M.I. Saturday’s franchise which offers standard American casual dining, without any surprises.

“This place isn’t some fancy-pants restaurant that’s trying to show off,” said local customer Harris Kasterson. “It’s not lagging behind, either. It’s right in the middle, the way I like it.”

“I love the chicken fingers,” said Ooltewah resident Andie Prestyn. “They’re pretty much like the chicken strips you can get at McDonald’s, but here they’re served on a plate, which is a nice touch.”

Analysts predict that B.M.I. Saturday’s may soon be Chattanooga’s favorite restaurant, besting both Sushi, Mayo and More and Greasy Italian Restaurant You Only Go To On Birthdays To Take Advantage Of The Free Birthday Meal.

“We Buy Golf Clubs” ad to be featured during Super Bowl

Published on February 1, 2014

Business/Sports/Rec

Mike's Golf Shop ad — Mike’s Golf Shop ad

The world-famous advertisement for Mike’s Golf Shop in Chattanooga, featuring proprietor Mike Mixson’s clear declaration of “We buy golf clubs,” is slated to be featured during this Sunday’s Super Bowl broadcast.

The ad rose to prominence last autumn, when it was featured on CBS Sports, Forbes, MSN, AdWeek and many other media outlets, and it was praised for its economy of words and persistent, memorable message.

While the original advertisement was 41 seconds long, Mixson filmed a new, extended version of the ad for the Super Bowl broadcast, clocking in at 60 seconds and allowing Mixson to say “We buy golf clubs” an additional seven times.

The rate for commercial advertising during this year’s Super Bowl is approximately $4 million for a 30-second ad.

Mixson’s ad is considered to be a front-runner for Clio and Cannes Lions awards, which recognize excellence in the advertising field, and one advertising industry analyst is quoted as saying, “I haven’t seen an ad so vibrant and alive since those ‘Head On – apply directly to the forehead’ ads.”

Film critics have also applauded Mixson’s hand-held, minimalist cinematography for its artistic qualities and naturalistic film-making style, clearly influenced by the French New Wave and Dogme 95 manifesto.

City Council bans snow

Published on January 30, 2014

Politics

Traffic jam in snow (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/61DGcv)

Tuesday’s unexpected snowfall disrupted Chattanooga with a mere two inches of snow, prompting early school and business closings and causing widespread traffic jams, and facing widespread discontent regarding how the crisis was handled, the City Council of Chattanooga held an emergency meeting yesterday evening to draft an ordinance to ban any future snow, which passed by unanimous vote.

In a written statement, the City Council said, “Tuesday’s massive Snowpocalypse clusterf-ck could have been avoided, and it’s important to be proactive, not reactive, and tackle difficult problems at the source.”

“That’s why we have decreed that snow is no longer welcome in Chattanooga, and there will be stiff penalties for any violators,” said the City Council. “We’ve got our eyes on you, snow, and don’t think that you’re off the hook just yet, sleet and hail.”

“Mother Nature can go suck a lemon,” said the City Council.

Mother Nature was not available for comment.

Marion County to install traffic cams to track aggressive bicyclists

Published on January 22, 2014

Politics/Sports/Rec

Bicycle camera (Modified, used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/2X7nYi)

Residents of Marion County were rocked by the news that two teens in a truck were terrorized by what could only be described as a deranged bicyclist who wielded a camera-phone and touched the truck’s bumper with his hand, and inspired by the Lookout Mountain community, which recently raised money to install license-plate-reading cameras to combat burglaries, Marion County is planning on installing cameras in order to specifically track aggressive bicyclists.

“Those poor kids,” said Marion County resident Reba Sillvagh. “They were just out for a leisurely Saturday drive on Raccoon Mountain, pleasantly cozying up to bicyclists really close on the road and warmly greeting them by revving the engine and tooting air horns, and then this one bicyclist just goes nuts and starts calling the cops and taking pictures of them.”

“They must have been so afraid,” said Sillvagh. “So afraid, that they went home, picked up some more friends, got in another vehicle, found the bicyclist and then pepper-sprayed him.”

“These traffic cameras are state-of-the-art, able to zero in on renegade bicyclists – and only bicyclists – with pinpoint accuracy,” said Marion County Police Chief Derek Druckerson.

“We’ll be able to track their every move and see every detail on them,” said Druckerson. “These high-resolution cameras can even pick up that disturbing pelvic bulge visible through their cycling skinsuit.”

Mayor Berke puts up “Help Wanted” signs to find next Police Chief

Published on January 15, 2014

Politics

"Help Wanted" sign for Police Chief search — “Help Wanted” sign for Police Chief search

After Chattanooga Police Chief Bobby Dodd retired at the end of 2013, Mayor Andy Berke put together a search committee in order to find Dodd’s permanent replacement, and yesterday, the City Council made a controversial decision to approve funding of up to $39,000 to a Washington, D.C.-based research organization for a nationwide candidate search.

While some praised the decision, citing the need to find the most qualified person for the job, others criticized it, saying that the Police Chief should be a local person who understands the challenges of the community and is familiar with the local government.

Addressing the criticism directly, Mayor Berke assured constituents that the search would be conducted locally, as well as nationally, by creating “Help Wanted” signs and posting them around town.

“I hit Frazier Avenue pretty hard today,” said Berke, who was holding a staple gun and a roll of transparent tape. “I’m going to hand out some flyers at the show at JJ’s tonight, too. You never know – that punk rocker you see with the gauged ears and pierced septum just might be the next Police Chief.”

Weston Wamp’s semen announces 2040 Congressional run

Published on January 13, 2014

Politics

Weston Wamp (l), Weston Wamp's semen (r) — Weston Wamp (l), Weston Wamp’s semen (r)

Weston Wamp, the son of former U.S. Representative for Tennessee’s 3rd District Zach Wamp, mounted a campaign in 2012 to run for the same office at the age of 25, which is the minimum age allowed for a person to run for the House of Representatives.

While opponents and critics frequently mentioned Wamp’s young age and lack of experience, supporters extolled his intelligence and fresh vision, and ultimately, Wamp lost the Republican primary election to Chuck Fleischmann, who currently holds the seat.

At a press conference today, Weston Wamp’s semen made the bold announcement that it is planning to run in the 2040 Congressional race, which is the earliest election for which it would be eligible to run.

Wamp’s seminal fluid, which was stored in an Erlenmeyer flask, presented its vision for the future of Chattanooga and the U.S.A. and made a vow to represent all voices and keep the city, state and nation moving in the right direction.

While many were impressed by the microscopic sperm, dressed in a tiny blazer and dress shirt with the top button unbuttoned, others were skeptical, with Wamp’s semen leaving a bad taste in people’s mouths.

“This is just another hot-shot gamete who thinks he knows what’s best for everyone,” said radio commentator Lewis Ramseur. “I mean, come on, he hasn’t even fertilized an ovum, yet.”

Trampoline lane proposed for downtown streets

Published on January 12, 2014

Sports/Rec

Broad Street with trampoline lanes (Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source: streetmix.net)

Trampoline enthusiasts in Chattanooga are eagerly anticipating the opening of three trampoline parks planned in the next several months – Jump Park Chattanooga, Superfly Trampoline Park and Jump Park Ooltewah – but now they have another reason to jump for joy, with a proposal to add a “trampoline lane” to downtown streets.

City Transportation Director Dana Wakemouth said that Chattanooga would be the first city in the American South to have municipal trampoline lanes, if it is awarded a $20 million state grant this summer.

“Trampoline lanes are a revolutionary new idea, and Chattanooga is happy to lead the way,” said Wakemouth. “The lanes are made from a network of durable metal springs covered by a space-age spongy rubber material that was used by NASA on its Mars landing rover.”

“Jumping is faster and healthier than walking, and having separate lanes would make sure that jumpers don’t collide with pedestrians, bicyclists or motor vehicles,” said Wakemouth. “Also, at intersections, jumpers don’t need to wait for the stoplight to change color, since they can simply just jump over the entire road, if they are good enough.”