Firing range target (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

Chattanooga shootings up, crime down due to poor marksmanship

Firing range target (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Firing range target (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

The City of Chattanooga announced new statistics, showing that while the number of shootings has increased, crime has actually decreased, which has been attributed to declining marksmanship skills.

“There are more guns out there and more rounds being fired than ever,” said interim Chattanooga Police Chief Brett Laemmel. “But these drunk hillbillies and gang bangers can’t shoot for shit, thank goodness.”

Mayor Andy Berke’s Violence Reduction Initiative was assembled as a targeted strategy to prevent crime by giving prominent gang leaders an ultimatum to either clean up their act or be prepared to go to prison, but the current trend of lower crime and increasingly poor marksmanship in the area is attributed to an earlier, decades-old FBI effort that worked in conjunction with Hollywood filmmakers in order to influence criminals and gang members and their shooting styles.

“You know the sideways gangsta grip?” said Laemmel. “That was an invention by the FBI. Sure, it looks badass, but it is pretty worthless when it comes to targeting accuracy.”

“The FBI also paid off film director John Woo,” said Laemmel. “They knew that it is nearly impossible to get a good shot while jumping sideways, firing pistols in both hands, with a bunch of doves all around you.”

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