Dirk Savage

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Every area CEO without a vehicle after employees begin walking to work

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After a Chattanooga startup’s CEO gave his car to a new employee who walked 20 miles to his first shift, a multitude of other area business employees took note and began making long commutes to work in hopes to land their boss’ vehicles. The chain of events caused a shortage of CEOs with a motorized form of transportation

“My 23-mile walk from the other side of Lookout Mountain scored me a low mile 2016 Toyota Highlander,” explained area bank teller Mark Smith. “You would think her salary would allow for the seat cooling upgrade.”

“I’m the Marshall, and I’m fresh out of daily commuters here at Marshall Mize Ford,” exclaimed Marshall Mize Ford owner Marshall Mize. Come see the Marshall as I tag along with my other employees and walk to work.”

Satan opens up portal next to Broad Street Walgreens in hopes to score some good drugs

In an effort to score some great earthling medications, resident Hell spokesman Satan opened up a sinkhole right next to the Broad Street Walgreens with a path directly to his lair. 

Sources a new loophole in the system has caused freshly deceased hell bound souls to leave any sort of prescription medications on earth while departing for the lake of fire. 

“You may dispose of any sensitive HIPPA information in a designated bin, but please send the good shit down to me,” explained Satan. “It’s hard keeping focused with all these fresh souls, so send down some Adderall ASAP.”

Great Clips plane offering fly-by haircuts at Riverbend

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In an effort to streamline air advertising and hairstyling services, Great Clips announced its famous Riverbend banner equipt airplane will now fly low enough to deliver haircuts from its propellors.

The company will offer deals on some of its most popular hairstyles, such as the bowl cut and the “may I speak to a manager” style.

“I was able to enjoy live music and receive a trim to my mullet, all from the comfort of my folding chair” explained Riverbend attendee Randy Panker.

So far there has only been one to two decapitations, but experts believe that is the price you must pay for a Great Clip.

Vodka mistakenly served instead of Holy Water during Riverbend’s Faith and Family night

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In what some are calling an error of biblical proportions, drink vendors during Riverbend’s Faith and Family night served festival-goers Vodka instead of the usual holy water on the sacred rocks.

Experts on the matter believe there should be no cause for alarm as both liquids lead those who partake to Jesus anyway.

“I am shocked and appalled that Friends of the Festival would allow my unvaccinated son to drink the devil’s juice instead of the blood of the lamb while he sees Switchfeet or whatever,” explained Riverbend attendee Deborah Smith. “They could have at least had the vodka blessed!”

“Don’t worry, I have blessed it,” explained Father Basil Marceaux.

Few remaining open roads in downtown Chattanooga to be closed by next Friday

After months of road work causing closures on many streets in downtown Chattanooga, a representative from the City of Chattanooga’s transportation department announced plans to go ahead and shut down the remaining roads by next Friday. Sources say the closures have caused headaches for many downtown commuters, and some have even resorted to driving on bike lanes more than they usually would.

“Commuters will be advised to take alternative routes, such as driving thru the Tennesee River or by parachuting from a passing plane,” explained a City of Chattanooga transportation department spokesman. “We hope to have every street reopened in about six months after Riverbend ends, just to keep things a nice pain in the ass.”

Chattanooga Airport announces safer non-stop catapult service to Florida

After an airline known for its low-cost direct flights from Chattanooga to Flordia came under scrutiny for having a high number of in-flight breakdowns, a representative from the Chattanooga Metropolitan Airport announced new and safer direct catapult flights from the Gig City to the Sunshine State.

Sources say the new service will begin as soon as the Airport hires a full-time medievally trained staff.

“No need to worry about multiple engine failures or overpriced baggage fairs since you’ll probably lose your luggage anyway,” explained CHA Airport spokesman Richard Allegianson. “Some passengers may experience even more savings if you land directly in Disney World,”

 

Chattanooga area young woman takes graduation photos of concealed art in her pants outside of Shooters Depot

While most young women take their graduation outside of Bluff View art district or other Pinterest inspired locations, 26-year-old UTC graduate Shelly Wilson released a new photoshoot of her concealing artwork outside of the recently burned Shooters Depot in Chattanooga. Miss Wilson hopes her unique views will help her picture go viral and cause a stink on all sorts of social networking sites.

“I just want the world to know that I love Satan, shoving artwork in my pants, and hanging outside places that have recently caught fire,” explained Wilson. “I don’t take normal graduation photos, and Shooters Depot did not have a policy on bringing artwork into their store.”

Chattanooga Bystander’s fifth annual Taco and Tequila event receives terrible reviews

To celebrate their fifth anniversary, the Chattanooga Bystander threw it’s annual Taco and Tequila festival, which was met with unsurprisingly terrible reviews.

Sources say once the doors opened, attendees were somehow greeted with long lines, tacos cooked on the ground in short supply, lack of toilet paper in the restrooms, another $80 charge, and subpar face painting.

“I asked for tequila and was given a Gatorade bottle filled with what could possibly be kerosene topped with a rotten lime,” explained attendee Randall Randallson.

“We had a great time and had lots of delicious tacos and tequila,” posted Facebook user Kirk Ravage to the event page.

BREAKING: O’Charley’s announces multiple downtown restaurant takeover for Saint Patrick’s Day

Citing a lack of authenticity in the area, famous restaurant chain O’Charley’s announced it will a do a restaurant takeover of multiple downtown eateries for tonight’s Saint Patrick’s Day celebrations. Patrons will see HIP spots such as the Honest Pint and Bitter Alibi have their menus wholly taken over with O’Charley’s items for tonight.

“We really do fail in comparison to the real spirit of the Irish that is O’Charley’s,” explained Honest Pint owner Pat O’Honestman.

“You can now drunkenly stumble to any downtown restaurant for some delicious potato soup, chicken fingers, or Irish favorite Coors Lite,” exclaimed O’Charley’s master of ceremonies Todd O’Irish.”

Chattanooga man starting to believe Chattanooga Chuck full of shit

After almost a week of 70 degree plus high temperatures, Chattanooga resident Sylvester Kimble announced he is starting to distrust Groundhog Chattanooga Chucks forecasting abilities. The announcement comes just weeks after Chattanooga Chuck saw his shadow and predicted six more weeks of winter.

Experts believe Mr. Kimble may have missed the memo saying that a groundhog cannot accurately predict the weather, especially since Chattanooga Chuck is a groundhog.

“Chattanooga Chuck is fake news and full of shit,” explained Kimble. “From now on I’m gonna wear my cut off jeans and only listen to Paul.”

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