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After making a spectacle of himself last Friday during the Washington D.C. Indigenous Peoples March, the unnamed teenage “Make America Great Again” hat wearing shit head was spotted this weekend staring down Chattanooga’s monument to the Trail of Tears.
Sources say that once the little sack of shit is named, he will receive an atomic wedgie when he returns to whatever douchebag generating school he returns to.
Just months after opening as the new hip “hook up” hotel in downtown Chattanooga, managers of the Moxy were disappointed to learn that zero acts of sexual intercourse have taken place within its 108 rooms or public restrooms.
Sources say renovations have begun to replace large pictures of millennials drinking and having fun with laughing families eating pancakes and the aquarium.
“The night was going great, and I felt like the mood was getting right for the sexy time, but after ordering a simple cosmopolitan at the bar, waiting 20 minutes to receive it, and the loud crashing sound of some jack-ass playing oversized Janga, the window was closed,” explained one Moxy guest.
“We were so close to, you know, doin’ it, but then my date slid just 6 inches off the bed and gashed their head on the doorknob, so the night ended in the Erlanger intensive care unit,” explained another Moxy patron.
This week during a press conference discussing the plans of the upcoming I-75 and I-24 split construction, a representative for the Tennessee Department of Transportation announced that motorists should probably just stay home during the project. The construction, which will begin this summer, will bring devastation to the area that residents haven’t seen since the tornados of 2011.
“It would be wise for everyone to just stay at home and wait for the shitstorm to pass,” explained TDOT spokesman Scott Browns. “You could take an alternate route, but that would be like cutting off an arm instead of a leg.”
“I’ve already quit my job and stocked up on ramen and powdered milk in preparation,” explained East Ridge resident Jason Matthews. “I would be sitting in traffic from 8 to 5
Just one week after devastating earthquakes rocked the Tennessee Valley area, local developer John Wise announced rebuilding has begun after every one of his buildings was destroyed. Sources say the actual dollar value of buildings destroyed will total into the hundreds and possibly even thousand.
Experts were stunned after literally every other structure in the area was left unharmed after the earthquake took place.
“We will rebuild better and stronger than before, but probably not really,” explained Wise, while standing in front of a pile of dilapidated particleboard.
During his speech in Chattanooga Today, President Donald J Trump announced he will only use the new controversial Presidential Alert system to make announcements about the new Chattanooga Red Wolves Soccer Club.
“You know that I know that Red Wolves Soccer is the best Soccer in Chattanooga”, explained Trump. “Believe me when I tell you that’s why I am signing an executive order right that that allows me to only send messages about the Red Wolf Soccer.”
A representative from the Trump caravan announced tonight’s rally will be extended one hour after the president saw a “Joda Thongnopnua for House District 30” sign during his flight to the area. As with words like “anonymous,” the president will need more time to try and pronounce the district 30 candidate’s name.
“Is it thongnooga, tongchuga, tubthumping, thangruba, we have to find out what the hell is going on,” questioned Trump, as he downed a whole bucket of KFC while passing over the scenic city.
Experts believe Trump will give Thongnopuna one of his signature nicknames. A source close to the president thinks we might be hearing about “Juicy Joda” this evening.
During his weekend visit to the Chattanooga area, acting Vice President Mike Pence announced he is considering relocating somewhere in town after learning of two Golden Corral eateries, one in Chattanooga, and one in Fort Oglethorpe.
Experts say Golden Corral is a favorite dining establishment among southern Churchgoers, who do not see the irony in gluttony.
“Mother and I love the idea of two, count em two Golden Corral restaurants within a 15-mile radius of this area,” announced Pence during one of this campaign stops. “Lord willing, I will get a little frisky and dip my head right in that gosh darn chocolate fountain.”
Before his big speech at the McKenzie Arena this evening, acting President Donald J Trump visited local tourist hotspot Rock City, where visitors can look out and hopefully see seven states.
It was reported that while not even using binoculars, Trump was able to see nine states, which is two more than a mortal human being can see. Years ago, President Obama visited Rock City and called bullshit on the whole thing.
“We all know I have best eyes and greatest counting skills, that’s why I saw nine states,” explained Trump to a group of Fox News reporters. “No one sees more states better than me.”
In an effort to appeal to Trump during his visit to Chattanooga today, the Tennessee Department of Transportation has announced that all onramp signage will be changed to an alternative spelling of whatever it was originally supposed to say.
Experts believe residents can also look for the popular trump word “covfefe” to make an appearance.
“We all know Trump has the best brain and uses the best words”, explained TDOT engineer Dennis Knight. “Some may have seen we got a jump start on things with “STOP AHAED” earlier this week.”
Just days after Ironman officials announced the swimming portion of Sunday’s Chattanooga Ironman was canceled due to strong currents and higher levels of E. coli, participants were amazed to hear they would once again take to the water after the Army Corps of Engineers Ironman division were able to successfully drain and refill the Tennessee River.
Some competitors were fully prepared to put their lives and health on the line but were fine not having to do that as well.
“I was fully ready to be washed away or shit blood for the rest of eternity for a free t-shirt and bumper sticker”, said Ironman participant Hans Pantski. “Not having to do that is cool too.”
“The biggest challenge we faced was locating the stopper we placed at the bottom of the fast flowing river,” explained Army Corp of Engineers Ironman department spokesman Ray Dankman. “We were also very fortunate that many residents along the river were gracious enough to lend their garden hoses and water for a faster refill time.”