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After being vacant for almost 40 years, the old Southside YMCA building is set to become a collection of dollar deal stores later this year.
Owners say there will be a monthly membership to access the exclusive clubs. Sources say there will be a $1 initiation fee and $1 monthly dues for personal and $1 for couples.
After public outrage of Chattanooga’s beloved comfort food staple Nikki’s Drive Inn announced it was closing its doors to make way for new condominiums, developers announced the new structure would be deep-fried to please the angry public.
Experts are questioning how such a task can be completed, but agree that most area residents do not really give a shit since they were sold at deep-fried.
“I was pretty upset that Nikkis was closing and would have to search elsewhere for a 5000 calorie meal, but then they told me this new tall house cluster was gonna be dipped in hot oil and then I got hungry,” exclaimed North Chattanooga resident Bobby Tubbies.
After an employee of the Tennessee Department of Transportation left his computer unattended to step outside and a vape while devouring a White Claw, commuters were shocked to see every overhead digital sign was now a single sizable penis.
Sources say the culprit might have been a malicious computer hacker looking to disrupt the day to day operations of TDOT and possibly looking to lock down essential systems in seek of a ransom, or it may have just been a coworker.
“We apologize for all holiday season travelers who may have spotted the digital penis during the lengthy time it was erect,” explained TDOT spokesman Charles Marshall. “We have replaced the penis with the initially planned joke about “not seeing you all year.”
During the swimming portion of the IRONMAN triathlon this morning, Tennessee American Water managed to drain the Tennessee River somehow as participants were reaching mile 1 of the 2.4-mile course. Sources believe the company was able to break yet another water main and miraculously pump river water and all its contaminants into customers homes.
“One minute I was swimming for the gold and the next I was laying on the bottom of the river floor next to a pile of cell phones,” explained IRONMAN participant Ronald Marshall. “Luckily, I was able to retrieve my bike and ride the rest of the way.”
“I was filling the bathtub and receiving IRONMAN updates on the radio, and all of a sudden the water became a nasty brown,” explained Chattanooga resident Gary Sanders. “I was even more confused when a dead carp flopped onto my loofa.”
We have reached out to Tennessee American Water for comment, but haven’t heard anything per usual.
After weeks of controversial debates over the new ordinance, members of the Chattanooga City Council unanimously voted to require all area businesses to include the word “nooga” in their name.
Sources say the new ordinance will include a fee that new businesses must pay, which will go towards renewing the license on the Chatype font, including this website.
“My wife and I opened our Northshore store selling everything from codpieces to douches labeled with “nooga” ever since we moved to the fast internet gig city over 10 weeks ago,” explained business owner Darryl Noog. “I think it’s great that small business owners are forced to show their love for the hashtag noogastrong city.”
After tens of people took to social media to voice their complaints of not having internet for two hours for video gaming, Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke stepped up and admitted his mistake of forgetting to pay the city’s internet bill, which was due by 5pm on Jun 25th.
“It must have slipped my mind,” explained Berke, while rushing to a mailbox to drop in the payment slip. “Looks like a good gig for “gig city” would be reminding me to pay our internet bill, lol.”
As the gates opened for the Bonnaroo music festival in Manchester, Tennessee this past week, festival attendees were pleased to discover the world famous and highly admired insanely high stages of Chattanooga’s Riverbend music festival had made their way to the farm.
Experts believe organizers for the up and coming Bonnaroo music festival searched high and low for inspiration to create the ultimate music festival experience, and were shocked to find such inspiration just a few miles down the road in Chattanooga.
“We first discovered those festival goers really long for a neck-straining stage height where the ultimate experience requires a set of binoculars,” explained Bonnaroo VP of Music, Todd Bonnaroo.”Luckily, we were able to swing by a home improvement store and jack up the stage heights just minutes before the gates opened.”
Sources say Bonnaroo attendees for next year’s festival can look forward to more hot tub salesmen, street preachers screaming about eternal damnation, and shootings.
During the first meeting of Chattanooga Football Club owners since the initial offering, a vote among members unanimously decided to switch the team to the sport of curling. Experts are unsure why a team with literally the word football in the name would change to curling. Some members of the beloved Chatthooligans fan group have already begun spraypainting “Curlahooligan” on their chests in
“I was watching tv one day and saw curling and thought it was neat, then realized I paid my $125 to part own a sports team, so might as well turn it into curling,” explained CFC part-owner owner Don Sanders.
“We expect to have Finley stadium fully iced over and ready for slidin’ the rocks by the first game later this month,” explained Finley stadium field manager Todd Kelly.
During preparations for possible historic flooding this week, it was announced that TVA engineers accidentally released the Kraken while emptying out water reservoirs.
Sources say that while TVA was working with the Army Corps of Engineers to prepare for excessive water levels, the Navy, Air Force, Marines, and new Space Force have been additionally called in to deal with the recently released Kraken.
“Things are running rather smoothly as we being emptying the locks in prepOHHH SHHITTTTT”, explained TVA engineer Randy Davis, while being dragged into the depths of Lake Chickamauga by the mythical Kraken.
During the grand opening announcement for the new Fort Oglethorpe Food City, onlookers were shocked when television personality and celebrity chef Guy Fieri appeared announced he has purchased all local Food Citys and will relocate them to Flavortown.
“The Rockin’ Chattanooga and beyond Red Food, er Bi-Lo, ah Food Cities are greasin’ their way to Flavortown,” explained Fieri, while downing a plate of cheese fries. “Be sure to stock up on 69 cent donkeysauce and four for twenty noogastrongbows before this Food City gets rockvacuated!”