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BREAKING: TFP’s Johnson fired for changing approved headline of “Suck My fu*king d*ck Obama” to “Take your jobs plan and shove it.”

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Times Free Press reporter Drew Johnson was reportedly fired today after changing the approved headline on his critical review of President Obama’s recent trip to Chattanooga. The original title of “Suck my Fucking Dick Obama,” was approved by Free Press editors, but changed to “Take your jobs plan and shove it, Mr President: Your policies have harmed Chattanooga enough,” before publication.

The original article included a picture of President Obama from Tuesday’s Amazon visit with a sizable penis drawn into his mouth, but was subsequently removed before being posted to the Times Free Press website. “We have zero tolerance for reporters going against our approval,” said one TFP editor, “especially when dicks and dick drawings are involved.”

 

Obama Storms Offices of TFP, Issues Executive Swirly on Social Media Director

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During his tour of Chattanooga this afternoon, President Obama and his motorcade stopped by the offices of the Times Free Press in response to the recent hate-baiting questions asked on the publication’s Facebook page.

obama-swirlyThe President, who had been following the posts since last Thursday, considered almost not coming to Chattanooga after seeing terrible comments local citizens made about him.

“He (Obama) busted in and yelled ‘Which one of you fine folks heads the social networking department?'” explained TFP employee Harvey Scarf. “Then some guys in black suits grabbed the person, carried him to the hallway bathroom, and proceeded to shove his head in the toilet while Mr. Obama stepped on the handle to flush.”

“That’s how you administer an executive swirly,” shouted Obama, as he knocked over a printing press and exited the building.

 

photo by cb staff/Rex Hardass

 

 

President Obama Stops By Rock City, Calls Bullshit on Seeing Seven States

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During a stop today at Chattanooga tourism mainstay Rock City, President Obama was overheard commenting about the park’s main attraction of “seeing seven states” as “complete bullshit.”

obama-rock-city“I believe the great citizens of Chattanooga are being ass fed a shit bag of lies,” said President Obama. “I paid my goddamn quarter and couldn’t see a fucking thing, let alone seven damn states!”

It was reported the President proceeded to shake the swinging bridge while others crossed and laugh at those who failed the fat man squeeze.

“The only thing worse would be to look down upon Chattanooga and view a hunk of shit cars or visit a man made cave with a mediocre waterfall,” said Obama.

 

 

 

 

 

Photo courtesy of CB Staff/Harold Hardass

Secret Service Seen Dragging Vice President Joe Biden from Local Gentlemens Club Diamonds and Lace

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After arriving a day before President Barack Obama in Chattanooga, Vice President Joe Biden was seen entering Chattanooga’s own Diamonds and Lace show bar in a drunken stupor. It was reported that members of Vice President Biden’s secret service team were seen dragging the intoxicated Vice President out of the night club this morning around 2AM, where he proceeded to urinate on Brainerd Road.

FE_DA_121012BidenSmirk425x283“This place is a big fucking deal, along with the breasts”, exclaimed Biden, while vomiting on his shoes.

While there were no formal plans for Biden to attend President Obama’s speech today at the Amazon Fulfillment Center, he was reported to want to see “what this choo choo hoopla shit was all about.”

Mayor Berke to Commemorate 100 Days in Office with Feats of Strength

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In celebration of his first 100 days in office, Mayor Berke announced today that he would perform random acts of strength around the city of Chattanooga.

“While the first 100 days of assuming the role of Mayor have been productive and perplexing, I have found a bit of time to hit the gym and really bulk up,” proclaimed Berke, while removing his shirt and tie to expose a muscle shirt with “renew” printed across it.

berkelift“Everyday I am faced with many troubling questions surrounding the future of our great city, such as: ‘How does a such a great Mayor have such great abs?’ and ‘Do you even lift?’” said Berke.

Berke proceeded to challenge attendees of the press conference in arm wrestling matches, manhandling and defeating each with great ease.

“Ever since I have taken office some months, 917 chin-ups were conquered by utilizing these bad boys,” said Berke, while proceeding to kiss his left and right biceps.

“In my next 100 days as Mayor, I plan on shifting a great amount of focus on renewing our public transportation system,” said Berke. “What better way to kick this off than for all to witness as I pull this CARTA bus down Market Street using only my ripped, chiseled and muscular bod.”

BREAKING: Whirlpool Announces It Has Been Successfully Shamed

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BREAKING: A representative from the Whirlpool Corporation announced this morning that the company has successfully and sufficiently been shamed.

“We will now attempt to awaken the two gentlemen, who have been at our necks for many months, and comply with whatever shaming they have in mind,” exclaimed Whirlpool PR spokesmen Todd Harris.

It is believed that Lupton Company will follow suit. More as it breaks…

Tennessee Aquarium Announces Opening of Recycled Seafood Restaurant

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In an effort to further advocate Chattanooga’s green movement, Tennessee Aquarium officials announced plans to open a seafood restaurant within the coming months.

After admitting deceased animals were ultimately being tossed into the Tennessee River, Aquarium officials have decided to make use of the dead animals by deep frying and serving them within a 2000 sq. ft. restaurant near the building’s gift shop.

“We know that a majority of visitors have their own favorite animal attraction at the Aquarium,” said Aquarium spokesman Jeffrey Marcus. “We believe the ability to chow down on a past visit’s favorite shark, penguin, and/or stingray in a battered and deep fried state, will be an experience that can’t be passed up.

800px-TennesseeaquariumExperts believe this new form of “green” recycling of food trend will pick up at other popular Chattanooga attractions, such as the Chattanooga Zoo opening a fine dining steak house in the coming months.

“We’re proud to announce that all catches served will be fresh from local sources,” said new head master chef Jerrim Bodling. “Guests can expect tasty local menu items, such as carp from Lake Winnepesaukah and radioactive catfish from our very own river sources.”

Officials hope the idea of a fully recycled menu will entice customers to visit the new seafood restaurant. “We’re going green on the whole shebang,” said Marcus, “right down to the unfiltered infant tainted drinking water sourced from the stream out front.”

 

East Ridge to Become First Area City to Mandate Gay Marriage

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In response to the city of Collegedale’s announcement to offer benefits for same sex couples two weeks ago, a spokesman from the Chattanooga Suburb of East Ridge Mayor Brent Lamberts’ office has stated plans for the city to mandate gay marriage for those who live within the city limits.

“We believe that allowing gay marriage isn’t enough to show just how progressive the fine city of East Ridge is”, said city spokesman Jeffrey Flacks. “We’re taking it to the next level and passing a mandate that all who shall come to and live in East Ridge, must engage into a hot and steamy homosexual holy union.”

us-tn-eastridgeWith the new mandate comes the reversal of a decision that East Ridge officials made some months ago: the banning of any new extended stays hotels within city limits. Officials also hope the soon-to-be homeless Big Chill Bar and Grill from downtown Chattanooga will find a new place in East Ridge to call home.

“With the large upcoming demands for new saucy homosexual honeymooners to stay, we will need new places to house them,” exclaimed Flacks. “All new extended stay hotels are required to include spaces for full fledged drag queen shows and in room television viewing of the LOGO Channel in High Definition.

“We hope the upcoming law will bring new visitors and residents to scrumptious East Ridge,” said new city tourism and fashion specialist Francis McGinley.” We’ve made plans to include the Indigo Girls and American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken to next years annual J-Fest at Camp Jordan.”

Chattanooga Community Kitchen Announces Partnership with Ruth’s Chris Steak House

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In a press release by Chattanooga Community Kitchen spokesmen Kenneth Tillman, it was announced that the areas homeless shelter and food kitchen has formed a partnership with the newly opened high class-dining establishment, Ruth’s Chris Steak House.

ruthchrisfoodkitckenPlans for the partnership include a school bus shuttle from the Community Kitchens Downtown location to the front door of the new Hamilton Place area restaurant. Folding tables and chairs will be mixed among the custom high dollar seating and eating arrangements that currently occupy the fine restaurant. Patrons will also be given the opportunity to obtain a free or reduced price stay at the adjacent Embassy Suites hotel.

“We believe this is a great opportunity for our place of fine dining to give back to our new community”, said Chattanooga Ruth’s Chris Steak House General Manager Theodore Mason. “We hope to see no forthcoming issues with the intermingling of our multi-millionaire and business customers with those who normally call a cardboard box home.”

With the announcement comes an array of new menu items for the restaurant, including: Short-Rib chopped steak, found potato, Parmesan government cheese, and Vanilla Wafers.

“This is great news in the journey to bridge the gap between the very needy and very wealthy in our area”, said Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke. “I hope we see other fine establishments, such as downtowns Porters Steakhouse, to follow suit.”

Officials Announce Bessie Smith Strut Now a “Profanity Free Zone”

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In an effort to keep the wholesome family friendly image that Riverbend is known for, officials announced that today’s Bessie Smith Strut will become a “profanity free zone.” The news comes a day after the controversial decision to ban dropped; yet rehired singer Cee Lo Green after a profanity filled performance at the festival on Saturday.

The Bessie Smith Strut, which takes place on Martin Luther King Boulevard every year during Riverbend week, is known for its barbecue and blues music. Event planners hope families, who employ a more “traditional” standard of decency, will take notice and choose to attend the event this year.

bessieNo longer can the phrases: “fuck, this corn dog is the shit”, or “shit, that son of a bitch has a gun” be uttered without immediate dismissal from the event.

Due to the new policy, the private security hired to police the festival has called in 30 extra officers as reinforcements. Armed with high-powered microphones, personnel will be placed upon rooftops along the strut to listen for those in violation of the new policy.

“I think it’s wonderful that sanctions have been put in place to keep the strut in line with Riverbend being a family friendly event,” said Mayor Berke, when informed of the new policy. “Come to think of it, this is a big fucking ass deal.”

(image courtesy of Bessie Smith Cultural Center. http://www.bessiesmithcc.org/)

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