Dirk Savage

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Chattanooga Bigfoot arrested on charges of supplying alcohol to Signal Mountain Teenagers

In what some may call the meshing of two recent headlines, Chattanooga’s own Bigfoot was arrested on charges of supplying alcohol to 18 Signal Mountain teenagers over the weekend.

Police responded to a disturbance call of a “large drunken hairy bastard” groaning and hiding behind a tree. Neighbors spotted the creature just as police were leaving from the noise complaint just an hour before.

“We believed it to be just another horseshit drunken redneck Bigfoot sighting,” said Signal Mountain Police Chief Boyd Veal, “but the call came from within two blocks of the private school brat slosh fest that officers had just shut down.

bigfootThe Bigfoot, who recently appeared in news reports about his four plus decades of sightings, is currently being held on accusations of contributing to the delinquency of minors.

“I was like, totally freaked out at first.” said 17 year old GPS student, escaped party goer, and Signal Mountain resident Gabby Westerman, “but then we knew he was super cool when he handed us all Bud Lights.”

No stranger to the charges brought against it, records from 1988 show the Chattanooga Bigfoot was accused of providing a group of teenagers some methamphetamine and LSD. Witnesses said the Bigfoot caused no bodily injury, as history would suggest, it only wanted to prove that it was “hip”.

 

 

 

 

photo taken from Wikipedia.com. Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license.

TFP’s Harrison Keely Voted Sexiest Chattanoogan on the Internet.

Screen_shot_2011-02-26_at_12.35.33_AM_t300  In a poll taken by the Chattanooga Board of the web, Chattanooga Times Free Press social media manager Harrison Keely was voted sexiest Chattanoogan on the Internet.

Keely, who has been known in recent months for his weekly news updates via the Times Free Press webpage, won by a unanimous decision.

“It was pretty much a landslide,” said Chattanooga Board of the web spokesmen Peter Howell. “The guy is a natural panty dropper. When that goatee and those rosy cheeks hit your computer screen each morning, it’s   quite difficult to refrain from going into sexy convulsions.”

Keely joins the ever-growing prestigious list of sexiest Internet Chattanoogans, such as the correctional officer who botched the National Anthem and failed Congressional hopeful Weston Wamp.

“I like to think that he’s out all night romancing the ladies in a maroon or blue shirt, sports coat, and striped tie.” Said Chattanooga Board poll voter cougarlookouts69. “I can smell the sweat and sexy oozing off of him  from the previous night and into his webcam.”

Before this article, Mr Keely has not been notified of his victory. On behalf of the Chattanooga Bystander staff, Congratulations Harrison, you did it!

 

 photo taken from Chattanooga Times Free Press

Chattanooga Amazon Fulfillment Center Announces “Come and Get Your Shit” Option

Due to popular public demand, the Chattanooga Amazon Fulfillment center has announced plans for a “come and get your shit” option.

During checkout of an Amazon.com order, a new option to “pick up my shit today” will become available, based on your proximity to the Chattanooga fulfillment center. After payment is finalized, customers must commute to the corner of Volkswagen and Bonny Oaks Drive.  From there, customers are able to retrieve their order from a large Amazon.com labeled container that will house thousands of other customer orders. Amazon Prime members are given the free option to have their order thrown into a separate container that is sheltered from the elements.

Critics pan the plan by saying the steps to retrieve ones order seems like a massive pain in the ass, but praise the idea for creating new jobs in the Chattanooga area, especially after the massive layoffs in other sectors.

“We’re very excited about the possibilities that will come from this new Amazon.com venture in the Chattanooga market,” said Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos. “This will create hundreds of new jobs with the need for new people to haul and throw shit into a large container.”

“This is a great way for Amazon to offset some of the costs we endure from offering free shipping,” said Chattanooga Amazon fulfillment center supervisor Chuck Shills. “After millions of shipping labels are used, that shit adds up!  The need for pricy labels is negated as the customers name is written directly on the cardboard box with a black marker.”

“We believe this is a great option for customers who want the famous fast Amazon.com delivery times,” said Bezos, “but can’t stand to wait for their Mumford and Sons LP or oversized strap-on to arrive.”

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Photo courtesy of the Chattanooga Area Chamber of Commerce

Chattanooga Whiskey Makers decide to keep operations in Indiana

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After the historic passing of Bills of 102 and 129 in the Tennessee House and Senate respectively, Chattanooga Whiskey co-founders Joe Ledbetter and Tim Piersent announced they have decided to keep distillery operations in Indiana.

“It’s really due to a variety of reasons” Ledbetter said, “plus, can you imagine the pain in the ass moving a distillery would be?”

The bill passed the Tennessee House and Senate with wide margins, which currently awaits Governor Haslam’s signature.

Distilleries have been illegal in the Chattanooga area due to laws dating back the prohibition era. Many months of debating within Tennessee lawmakers proved to be an emotional rollercoaster for the Whiskey duo. “It was quite the ride! Too bad it really was for nothing,” Piersant laughed.

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Photo courtesy of Chattanooga Times Free Press

“Ever since we started this Chattanooga thing, we decided to grow out some facial hair,” Ledbetter grumbled, “it is going to feel great to finally be able to rid our faces of this shit.”

With Chattanooga recently overthrowing Austin, TX as the number one hipster city in the states, Ledbetter saw this as a deterrent. “We all know that hipsters tend to gravitate to the High Lifes and the PBRs. Our high quality product just couldn’t compete with the lower price, and lower taste option,” Ledbetter cried.

When asked about the 30,000 square-foot building the pair were planning to occupy, Piersant replied, “Fuck it! Let it develop into some more expensive apartments or a Red Lobster.”

Local Entrepreneur Rick Davis to open Megachurch

Local Gold and Diamond purchaser, television host, and recent used car entrepreneur Rick Davis is planning to open a megachurch, according to a representative of his. From documents uncovered by Chattanooga Bystander, Davis’ “Davisplex” includes a 4,500-seat sanctuary, 35 classrooms, 20 bathrooms with gold fixtures, and a refinery.  Davis hopes the facilities will surpass the impressiveness of other local megachurchs. “I hope the Davisplex will be seen somewhat like “Abba’s House”, Davis Said, “but with much more gold.”

Back in February, Davis was caught up in a legal battle on accusations of buying stolen jewelry, which Davis believes led him to open up a megachurch. Davis, who has been a lifelong Christian, believes the next step in his faith is to open up the Davisplex.  “After much prayer and meditation” Davis stated, “opening this church is the least I can do for our Lord and my gold sellers. As I am your friend in the jewelry business, I am your friend in the Christian fellowship business.”

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photo courtesy of rickdavisgoldanddiamonds.com

While the location has not been released where the Davisplex will be located, Davis representatives have hinted on an abandoned Wal-Mart.  CB investigators have yet to find one.

Davis hopes the Davisplex can be up and running by early 2014, in which time will allow for acquiring ministerial certifications. Davis told us “Sunday morning services will be the best in the business, and just like how we are talking gold, we will be talking-God. “ Davis hopes that future congregation members will realize that “the streets of Heaven are paved with gold, and gold prices are at an all time high.”

 

THIS ARTICLE, ALONG WITH EVERYTHING ELSE ON THIS GODFORSAKEN SITE, IS SATIRE/FICTION AND NOT TRUE. THANKS FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING.

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