Sports/Rec - Page 2

Soccer fans welcome new homegrown team with open arms!

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After the announcement of a new Chattanooga professional Soccer league was coming to the area, hundreds of CFC fans announced their support for the new association with arms wide open. It was reported that not one Chattahooligan or gamegoer has a single issue with the newly announced team.

“I cannot wait to watch the exciting local action that our Chattanooga Pro Soccer team will have to offer while enjoying a refreshing Miller Lite® and sizzling fajitas from a new Chattanooga eatery TGI Fridays®, explained local Soccer fan Steven Russells from Ohio, who has never been to Chattanooga.

“I am so excited for the new team that I have spray painted CPS on my bass drum and tattooed it on BOTH ass cheeks,” explained Chattahooligan Todd Williams.

Rescued Thai soccer team postpones Lost Sea vacation

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After being trapped in a flooded cave for 18 days, the rescued Thai boys’ soccer team announced that they would postpone their planned vacation to the Lost Sea in Sweetwater, Tenn., which is the largest underground lake in the nation.

“We already booked this trip to the Lost Sea months ago, but you know, I think we’re going to hold off on caves and confined water-filled spaces for the time being,” said the soccer team’s coach, who added that they’re also postponing visits to Ruby Falls and the Titanic replica in Pigeon Forge.

IRONMAN officials begin clearing roadways with high-speed bulldozers

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In preparation for yet another IRONMAN triathlon this Sunday, event officials have begun the task of clearing every city and surrounding area roadway of cars and people using high-speed bulldozers.

Sources say the local emergency notification system will issue a directive for all non-IRONMAN participants to stay indoors until every athlete has completed the course. Police and military will be on high alert for those who even attempt to go on a roadway.

“Chattanooga citizens must realize that when the IRONMAN comes to town, literally nothing and no one else matters anymore,” explained IRONMAN spokesman Todd Runnerman. “We have even armed speedboats with fish catapults to clear out the waterways.”

Area prepares to clean up large amount of discarded “M” and “B” banners from Trust Fund Bowl week

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While players from Baylor and McCallie prepare for tonight’s big game, Chattanooga area residents are preparing to clean up the trash that will inevitably be left around the city from a solid week of “hyping”. The trash comes mostly in the form of huge banners that say “M” or “B”. Experts question why students from each school make an effort to distribute the banners around the city, as a majority of the Chattanooga area population do not give two flying shit about the game.

Both schools now have a tradition of creating of popular internet “hype videos” for the yearly football battle, otherwise known as the “Pat Robertson Trust Fund Bowl”. Sources say these videos only add to the annoyance of students driving around while hootin’ and hollerin’ with banners on the back of their vehicles.

“It’s like clockwork every year to have to clean up the mess after seeing some shaggy-haired kid wearing a jacket, tie, and cargo shorts hop out of a 75 thousand dollar car to hang a huge banner on an overpass,” explained concerned citizen Jeffrey Coopers. “These kids deserve spankings, but I’m sure their dads are hot shit lawyers.”

Tennessee Riverwalk expands to add Southside smells

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In an effort for walkers to experience all the smells that downtown Chattanooga has to offer, a new three-mile section of the Tennessee Riverwalk was opened this past week near the city’s Southside.

The expansion cost about sixteen million dollars, with a majority of the budget providing the Southside with dumpster loads of dirty diapers and blistering heat to the chicken slaughter houses.

“When the smell of sewage and dead fish has got you begging for more, enjoy three more miles of chicken plant and dirty industrial plant smells to quench your appetite,” said Chattanooga Outdoor spokesman Gary Stanford.

High Point Climbing and Fitness announce Trump Tower climbing wall

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After a crazed Donald J Trump supporter scaled Trump Tower in New York using only suction cups, a representative from High Point Climbing facility announced plans to bring the popular attraction to the area.

Experts believe the new attraction will draw many visitors like tower climber Stephen Rogata, especially with the Mellow Mushroom next door.

Plans call for the wall to be constructed by a local developer, who will make High Point will pay for it.

“We plan to market the attraction with a series of bonehead tweets and the promise of being told “you’re fired” when reaching the top”, explained High Point spokesman Climby McClimberson.

“Best Cave” contest nominees include Ruby Falls, your mother

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Nominees for a national contest, held by USA Today‘s “10 Best” site, to name the “Best Cave” in the U.S. include local attractions Ruby Falls and your mother.

“Every year, thousands of visitors come inside these vast, timeworn depths, that are always a little cool, damp and some would say even a bit spooky,” said Chattanooga Director of Tourism Kelly Furrina. “But enough about your mother. Ruby Falls is quite popular, too.”

Voting ends on April 11.

Coaches believed accused Ooltewah basketball players “just really bad at pool”

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Pool table (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/bR26Hv)
Pool table (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/bR26Hv)

Before charges against Ooltewah High School boys’ basketball coaches and athletic director were sent today to the Hamilton County Grand Jury, due to the failure to report suspected child abuse that occurred last December, including the alleged sexual assault of a freshman by three of his teammates involving a pool cue stick, the coaches stated that they initially believed that the basketball players were “just really bad at pool.”

“We didn’t report any child abuse to the Department of Children’s Services, because we just thought they were playing some pool,” said one of the officials. “Statistically, if you play a lot of pool, it’s just a matter of time before a cue stick accidentally ends up where the sun don’t shine.”

Critics have pointed out the “code of silence” perpetuated by school administrators within a culture of negligence, to discourage faculty from reporting child abuse.

“Look, these players are really good at basketball, but frankly, they absolutely suck at pool,” said another official. “It’s an honest mistake.”

City changes bike lanes to Berke lanes

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Berke lanes (Modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/8PE8zx)
Berke lanes (Modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/8PE8zx)

The City of Chattanooga announced that it was going to convert the protected bike lanes on Broad Street to “Berke lanes” to be used by Mayor Andy Berke, his family and members of his staff, using any mode of transportation of their choosing.

In a written announcement, it was explained that it was calculated that by making this change, usage of the protected lanes would actually increase.

The protected bike lanes on Broad Street have been controversial, with some arguing that they are not used enough by bicyclists to justify their existence.

Several business owners on Broad Street have complained that the lanes have affected their business, and the lanes have also been a source of confusion for some car drivers, some of whom have parked erroneously in the bike lanes.

Others have praised the protected bike lanes, citing the increased safety that they provide and heralding them as a symbol of progress for the city by encouraging bicycle usage for a healthy, green and frugal lifestyle.

The protected Berke lanes on Broad Street will be marked with paint using stencils that bear the likeness of Mayor Berke’s face.

The City Council made the decision after reviewing various options for the bike lanes, including the rejected option of converting them to “bork lanes” to be used only by Swedish chefs.

7 Bridges Marathon changes name after bridge-counting error

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Marathon (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/pG65ms)
Marathon (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/pG65ms)

Organizers of the 7 Bridges Marathon announced that they would be changing its name to “6 Bridges Marathon” after it made an error when counting the number of bridges.

“We were certain that we had the right number of bridges,” said director Gavin Pawket. “I used the fingers on both of my hands.”

“I counted this many bridges,” said Pawket, while holding up seven fingers.

This announcement came several days after organizers admitted to another error, involving the course length for the half marathon event held last Sunday which was over half a mile shorter than the correct length, which meant that the runners’ times were all invalid.

“The plan is to change the name, which means that we will have to change all of our logos and signs,” said Pawket. “We would be thrilled if someone just constructed another bridge instead.”

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