Sports/Rec - Page 2

Area prepares to clean up large amount of discarded “M” and “B” banners from Trust Fund Bowl week

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While players from Baylor and McCallie prepare for tonight’s big game, Chattanooga area residents are preparing to clean up the trash that will inevitably be left around the city from a solid week of “hyping”. The trash comes mostly in the form of huge banners that say “M” or “B”. Experts question why students from each school make an effort to distribute the banners around the city, as a majority of the Chattanooga area population do not give two flying shit about the game.

Both schools now have a tradition of creating of popular internet “hype videos” for the yearly football battle, otherwise known as the “Pat Robertson Trust Fund Bowl”. Sources say these videos only add to the annoyance of students driving around while hootin’ and hollerin’ with banners on the back of their vehicles.

“It’s like clockwork every year to have to clean up the mess after seeing some shaggy-haired kid wearing a jacket, tie, and cargo shorts hop out of a 75 thousand dollar car to hang a huge banner on an overpass,” explained concerned citizen Jeffrey Coopers. “These kids deserve spankings, but I’m sure their dads are hot shit lawyers.”

Tennessee Riverwalk expands to add Southside smells

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In an effort for walkers to experience all the smells that downtown Chattanooga has to offer, a new three-mile section of the Tennessee Riverwalk was opened this past week near the city’s Southside.

The expansion cost about sixteen million dollars, with a majority of the budget providing the Southside with dumpster loads of dirty diapers and blistering heat to the chicken slaughter houses.

“When the smell of sewage and dead fish has got you begging for more, enjoy three more miles of chicken plant and dirty industrial plant smells to quench your appetite,” said Chattanooga Outdoor spokesman Gary Stanford.

High Point Climbing and Fitness announce Trump Tower climbing wall

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After a crazed Donald J Trump supporter scaled Trump Tower in New York using only suction cups, a representative from High Point Climbing facility announced plans to bring the popular attraction to the area.

Experts believe the new attraction will draw many visitors like tower climber Stephen Rogata, especially with the Mellow Mushroom next door.

Plans call for the wall to be constructed by a local developer, who will make High Point will pay for it.

“We plan to market the attraction with a series of bonehead tweets and the promise of being told “you’re fired” when reaching the top”, explained High Point spokesman Climby McClimberson.

“Best Cave” contest nominees include Ruby Falls, your mother

Nominees for a national contest, held by USA Today‘s “10 Best” site, to name the “Best Cave” in the U.S. include local attractions Ruby Falls and your mother.

“Every year, thousands of visitors come inside these vast, timeworn depths, that are always a little cool, damp and some would say even a bit spooky,” said Chattanooga Director of Tourism Kelly Furrina. “But enough about your mother. Ruby Falls is quite popular, too.”

Voting ends on April 11.

Coaches believed accused Ooltewah basketball players “just really bad at pool”

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Pool table (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/bR26Hv)
Pool table (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/bR26Hv)

Before charges against Ooltewah High School boys’ basketball coaches and athletic director were sent today to the Hamilton County Grand Jury, due to the failure to report suspected child abuse that occurred last December, including the alleged sexual assault of a freshman by three of his teammates involving a pool cue stick, the coaches stated that they initially believed that the basketball players were “just really bad at pool.”

“We didn’t report any child abuse to the Department of Children’s Services, because we just thought they were playing some pool,” said one of the officials. “Statistically, if you play a lot of pool, it’s just a matter of time before a cue stick accidentally ends up where the sun don’t shine.”

Critics have pointed out the “code of silence” perpetuated by school administrators within a culture of negligence, to discourage faculty from reporting child abuse.

“Look, these players are really good at basketball, but frankly, they absolutely suck at pool,” said another official. “It’s an honest mistake.”

City changes bike lanes to Berke lanes

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Berke lanes (Modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/8PE8zx)
Berke lanes (Modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/8PE8zx)

The City of Chattanooga announced that it was going to convert the protected bike lanes on Broad Street to “Berke lanes” to be used by Mayor Andy Berke, his family and members of his staff, using any mode of transportation of their choosing.

In a written announcement, it was explained that it was calculated that by making this change, usage of the protected lanes would actually increase.

The protected bike lanes on Broad Street have been controversial, with some arguing that they are not used enough by bicyclists to justify their existence.

Several business owners on Broad Street have complained that the lanes have affected their business, and the lanes have also been a source of confusion for some car drivers, some of whom have parked erroneously in the bike lanes.

Others have praised the protected bike lanes, citing the increased safety that they provide and heralding them as a symbol of progress for the city by encouraging bicycle usage for a healthy, green and frugal lifestyle.

The protected Berke lanes on Broad Street will be marked with paint using stencils that bear the likeness of Mayor Berke’s face.

The City Council made the decision after reviewing various options for the bike lanes, including the rejected option of converting them to “bork lanes” to be used only by Swedish chefs.

7 Bridges Marathon changes name after bridge-counting error

Marathon (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/pG65ms)
Marathon (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/pG65ms)

Organizers of the 7 Bridges Marathon announced that they would be changing its name to “6 Bridges Marathon” after it made an error when counting the number of bridges.

“We were certain that we had the right number of bridges,” said director Gavin Pawket. “I used the fingers on both of my hands.”

“I counted this many bridges,” said Pawket, while holding up seven fingers.

This announcement came several days after organizers admitted to another error, involving the course length for the half marathon event held last Sunday which was over half a mile shorter than the correct length, which meant that the runners’ times were all invalid.

“The plan is to change the name, which means that we will have to change all of our logos and signs,” said Pawket. “We would be thrilled if someone just constructed another bridge instead.”

Pope Francis stopping in Chattanooga to compete in IRONMAN

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Jorge Mario Bergoglio aka Pope Francis announced during his visit to the United States that he plans to make a stop in Chattanooga over the weekend. He surprised onlookers by revealing he has entered the IRONMAN competition.

imageThis marks the first time in history that any living Pope has participated in the IRONMAN competition.

“Blessed be the IRONMAN competitors, who shall be destroyed by this old Pope,” exclaimed Pope Francis, while slipping into a white pair of blessed biker shorts.

Pope assistants reportedly applied tire upgrades to the Pope mobile bike to protect against the impending tar and nails in the Lafayette portion of the race.

Downtown YMCA Youth Soccer team to face winner of U.S. vs Costa Rica

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A representative of the sport of Soccer announced that the local downtown YMCA Youth Co-ed Soccer team will face the winner of this month’s match between the US Women’s National Soccer and Costa Rica at Finley Stadium. The downtown YMCA co-ed soccer team is made up from 5-6-year-old boys and girls from around the area.

football“We hope the match will take place sometime next month,” explained head Soccer sport spokesmen Ted Futboll. Of course it depends on the team’s homework load and if the parents can get them to Finley stadium on time.

Slide the City being left for new Chattanooga Sewer Line

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After the success of last Saturdays “Slide the City” event, a representative for Chattanooga Public Works announced plans to keep the attraction in place for downtown sewer management and transportation. 

“We believe this is a great fun way for Chattanoogans to experience the thrills of what their waste feels like flowing down Broad Street while getting their slide on”, said Public Works official Carl Bowman.

While some downtown business owners and workers are repulsed by the sight of shit flowing down a 1000ft slip n slide in slidethecityChattanooga, many agree the liquid probably isn’t much cleaner than what was used on Saturday.